It's Been A Bit

It has been quite awhile since I've posted, I do apologize for the long break. I mentioned I think at the start of the year how I didn't want depression to take the drivers seat of the blog the way I felt it had towards the last couple of months of last year. Well recently my depression has  been getting the best of me, and every time I think about blogging I just know it's going to quickly Segway into the depression, or ring some alarms. My weight loss recently, really all year, but especially the last few weeks, has been slow with  mild yoyo-ing. Last week I officially started using Myfitnesspal religiously again, unlike before, where I used it just that day, I recalibrated my calorie goal. I went from 3400 to 1900. I had a much better week of loss this past week.



Last year I took a picture  I don't know if I ended up posting it in the blog, but when I recently wore the same outfit to therapy my therapist thought I looked great (I didn't) and thought I should take a picture and compare it with an older older one. I agreed to dig up the older photo from the year before and we could examine them the following week. It was a lot harder than I expected.



There are a few slight changes my therapist got me admit

Back on to the depression. Like I told my psychiatrist recently, my day to day  coping has improved, sleeping is better, I get out a bit more on paper everything looks great. But then there is is this feeling in me that says I know I'm not going to make out out of this year a alive, that ultimately I'm going to succumb to my depression. I can feel it, and I feel guilty for the very notion, guilty for my mom, guilty my my nephews. I still struggle so much with my appearance, sometimes I feel content, and then I'll catch my reflection in something and I'll be knocked to pieces, or I'll see some guy with my ideal body weight and flat stomach and just begin mentally destroying myself.

I can't remember if I mentioned how one of my brothers who were supposed to be coming home in February decided to stay in Texas as part of some program thing there and find work and save up money before he decides to actually move back home. Well, now the other brother is getting out next month, it just seemed like it was never going to happen. I didn't even know until last Friday, we were watching my youngest nephew and he randomly asked where his mom AND his dad were, his mother had taken his brother to a doctors appointment, and mom said well your dad will be home next month. I was immediately hit with a wall of anxiety and this feeling of "I've run out of time." I'm just not at all prepared for what this will bring.

I see my nutritionist today. For now I'm going to see where the wind blows me, my plan is to blog more in spite of.... Well everything

Comments

  1. It's good to hear from you, I'm sorry things are so tough.

    Those photos though, those are more that "slight changes"!!! I think there is major difference.

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  2. Brandon, I'm glad you checked in. You look slimmer in your face and your shirt looks like it's much looser. I feel like you have made a lot of progress. I bet if you think about how you felt when you started this blog and what you can do more comfortably now you would see you have come a long way. All any of us can do is take one day at a time and do the best we can. I pray you will be able to realize how much you do matter in this world and that God has a purpose for your life.
    Jeanette

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