Deep Breath

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Just going to try to move past the last 5 days.

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Crumbling Cookie

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Well I found out early today that my brother wouldn't quite be making his debut today because he would have to make several bus trips over several days. This somehow eased my anxiety, I mean why not? For the time-being I'll take prolonging the inevitable, which historically worsens my anxiety . I was told he wouldn't be making it here until around Friday, however later in the day, near the end,  I'm told there has been a miscalculation and he will be home sometime tomorrow. Anxiety currently sky high. Tomorrow will be quite the test, I am quite thankful that I have therapy on the same day, as my mind keeps going to dark places I have actually entertained the possibility of voluntary commitment, of course it would likely derail weight loss and what's the point of being committed if it's just going to make you worse off? Then I'll just end up in a worse off state where I end up on involuntary terms . In other news I had a doctors appointment today, it'...
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My 500lb Life

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The lightest I ever recall being was chubby , I remember well because people were already starting to make comments about my growing weight, I don't remember a time before. I believe I was four or five. I don't know what triggered my weight gain, I honestly don't remember picking up bad eating habits until a few years later, but somehow, for some reason, I was gaining weight, while my brothers remained thin. The more I think about it the more confused I become. Somewhere between 3 and four, or 4 and 5. I gained a lot of weight. I remember outgrowing a Reds baseball outfit   (or was it Ohio State) that matched one my mom owned. I just remember getting compliments about it, I remember trying it on one day and being unable to fit in it. And then before I knew it, I was overweight. I continued gaining weight. Sometime between 5-7, I had an imaginary friend, a grandmother-like figure whom I always visualized being in black and white like I Love Lucy. I on...
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Stupid! Stupid!! Stupid!!!

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Title says it all. I stepped on the scale today and  stood there in disbelief for awhile after realizing I not just gained, but gain the most weight since the week of every-day-pizza eating when my grand mother pasted last year. The scale said I gained a staggering 9.4 pounds. There was Super Bowl Sunday which I let myself indulge, but I didn't go crazy, but the whole week was sloppy. I spent a lot of time at my friends, where there is a lot of junk food,  I ate a lot of chips throughout the week and sugary snack treats and things that were probably loaded with trillions of milligrams of sodium and fat, but I didn't seem to care. I wasn't paying any attention. It was like I was on eating vacation, I was still cautious not to overeat, but that was about it. I especially dropped the ball with water. Had a couple canned sodas which is totally unlike me, I don't like giving calories to fluids (that aren't  soy-milk, orange juice, apple juice etc, and I rarely drink thes...
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