Deep Breath

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Just going to try to move past the last 5 days.

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Weight In: This Isn't A Victory

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Without any context at all, here is my calorie and sodium intake from yesterday Calories 4,145 Sodium 12,342 Last time I weighted in at 495 pounds, this week I'm 491. I lost a few. It doesn't feel earned, or deserved. This is not a victory. I believe I have had some kind of fundamental shift, and my weight loss downfall is imminent. I'm  just not into it anymore. I guess I know myself pretty well sometimes, don't I? I knew I could not take a walk on the wild side without it sending me into a spiral. It's not just this weekend, although, I truly realized how much I miss food freedom. King for two days it seemed. I'm just exhausted with the road ahead, it's truly never ending. I'm still in the 490s, I'm huge, that's a ton of weight to lose! It's overwhelming, I guess I'd rather be morbidly obese and fat, but able to indulge myself. Than to be spending the next X amount of centuries trying to lose weight, and hating it. I mean I hav...
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My 500lb Life

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The lightest I ever recall being was chubby , I remember well because people were already starting to make comments about my growing weight, I don't remember a time before. I believe I was four or five. I don't know what triggered my weight gain, I honestly don't remember picking up bad eating habits until a few years later, but somehow, for some reason, I was gaining weight, while my brothers remained thin. The more I think about it the more confused I become. Somewhere between 3 and four, or 4 and 5. I gained a lot of weight. I remember outgrowing a Reds baseball outfit   (or was it Ohio State) that matched one my mom owned. I just remember getting compliments about it, I remember trying it on one day and being unable to fit in it. And then before I knew it, I was overweight. I continued gaining weight. Sometime between 5-7, I had an imaginary friend, a grandmother-like figure whom I always visualized being in black and white like I Love Lucy. I on...
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Whats On The Agenda Today? Drug Test

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Well I got the job, I honestly went in with a little more anxiety, I actually was doing great as for as the day was going leading up, until we got into the parking lot, and it all just hit me. I had to throw all my fears in temporary suspension and get the interview over with. I was waiting in layaway for a good while before Sheri appeared, only to inform me she wasn't doing the second interview, and that she would find out who is. She vanished into the back and I sat for what seemed like an eternity with my infinite thoughts going wild. Finally another woman appeared and introduced herself (I cant for the life of me, remember her name...) , I followed suit and she started to begin the interview... again right there in the public! She asked me one question and for some reason my nerves would not let me think, there was too much happening behind me, she realized I was distracted and we moved to some weird space in back. It wasn't a room but it was semi-secluded and had a desk, c...
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