What Do You Do When The Enemy Is Inside Of You?

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So much self sabotage. So much clinging to comfort that isn’t really comfort. How do you change your view of yourself that was built over 20 years ago. Views that were projected onto you and internalized. It’s seems impossible. 

I once lost hundreds of pounds, so dedicated and determined to reach the pot of happiness at the end of the weight loss rainbow. I’ve regained it back and have changed, seemingly unable to find that blind dedication again. I once believed I would only be happy once I was thin (180lbs). I still believe that, but the difference from then and now is that I don’t have any hope of reaching 180, I stopped believing it was possible so my drive is never really there. I don’t want to see me succeed, I don’t want to see myself happy. And I don’t want to see myself trying. That leaves me that disjointed comfort, eating to pass the time, eating because I ate so much earlier, eating because I’m sad. 

My psychiatrist recently wanted me to do an psychiatric  inpatient program, involuntary isn’t an option because of COVID, so I’d have to voluntarily go, which I won’t do. She said she was worried, wants me to consider it, I won’t. 

Turns out I was wrong about the Rexulti, it wasn’t raising my appetite. That was all me, psychosomatic. Tomorrow I plan a full day fast.  

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