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Less than an hour before I begin my liquid diet. I’m not particularly confident at the moment but it’s 2020, it’s better to not be too sure of things.

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Every Now And Then, I Kick The Living Sh*t Outta Me

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I know everything I need to know, that there is to know about nutrition. Lack of knowledge isn't my problem, I know what and when I'm doing wrong and continue anyways. In 2017 in the first half of the year before summer I reached a peak low weight of 320 , actually, 318, but I round up in this case because I hit 318 once and 320 multiple times. That was likely the true low anyways. So yeah 320. My dwindling reader base may remember that every time I got this low I shot up 5-15lbs, then got back down and repeated. There was clearly something psychosomatic about my inability to go any lower. Something within did not want me to continue to get lower, but why? Was I afraid of the realities of things? Maybe I was right, maybe everything would change and my social bubble would explode and I'd be involved in more endeavors and doing more. Maybe that meant I was scared that I wouldn't know who I was going to become, that the person I knew would be erased and maybe peop...
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Partially Eaten Fish Head

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I am an addict.  Why would you do something that deliberately destroys you or your body , is what the thought that goes into my head when I hear about people addicted to hard drugs. Okay the thought isn't quite that generic but that's the point. You know what that drug is capable of, what it will almost undoubtedly do to your body, why start it? People start drugs for many reasons, I started my food (drug) as a child to cope. You're warned about drugs as a child, told not to smoke, stay away from alcohol, even condition to try not to get fat. But no one tells you that you can get addicted to food, and young child you cant articulate that you are addicted to food and have an emotional reliance on it too for the exact same reasons (what ever they may be) as some who is shooting up heroin or cocaine. Breaking the habit at any age is hard. Its strange being an adult, seeing the wrong and repeating it anyways. Its like you are on a little raft drifting down a river abou...
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Body Dymorphic Disorder

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I brought this up with my therapist today in therapy, and she quickly agreed that without I doubt suffer from this condition. When looked into the disorder I was surprised to see the treatments were things I am   already doing or taking. They listed medications   such a s Zoloft which I used to be on and Lexapro which I'm currently on, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy which I obviously am partaking in actively on a weekly bases. Still, it was a bit surprising and a bit of a let down to discover these things as it feels like it's rather new, or rather increasingly intense development. I keep comparing myself to thinner guy its completely unhealthy but I do it, like with the medical asst. Graham, I do things like that a lot. I'll see someone thin and then compare myself then start to rip myself to shreds. Then begins a bit of obsessing over the thinner person, what there life might have been life when they were younger, how many friends they may have, where they ...
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