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Less than an hour before I begin my liquid diet. I’m not particularly confident at the moment but it’s 2020, it’s better to not be too sure of things.

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Digging Deep To Carry On

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Im back home today, my mother is already gone on her trip to the family barbecue out of town. Yesterday at my friends was particularly emotionally exhausting. My friend got into a trivial argument with his mother on the phone, but she said some truly astonishing things. Things that triggered not just my emotions, but my anxiety and depression. Not just that, but it just ruined the mellow day we were having up until then. Im feeling kind of lost lately. I feel like I'm waiting to stumble upon my purpose. Because I keep getting back to this state where I feel like I have no purpose. I've been really struggling lately. It's amazing how I can be so humongous physically, but so minuscule in the grand scheme of it all. In weight loss news I think I might start back up my lowball calorie intake next week, indefinitely. Although this time the range will be 800-1200. I simple don't care about the side effects. It seems like I won't be satisfied until I'm thin, and the ...
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Chopped

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Everything has returned to normalcy, for the most part. My oldest brother is back in Texas, all the holiday food is gone, I spent a couple days with nick and Melissa but am home now, and feels as though the year begins its official grind. I'm plotting ways to get more active, it's been really cold lately and I don't really want to go walking out in that, as I don't have a sufficient coat, but I am wanting to walk outside  but I'm not wanting to be inconsistent so I'm not wanting the weather to play such a heavy role. Seems I've got the 4 mile walk down pretty good now which is 60 minutes. I'm thinking of going up to the 5 mile walk, its the last Leslie Sansone workout I have it tops out at just over an hour so it's not too much longer than the 4 mile  but it immediately starts out at a much faster pace. So that's something I'm going to give a try. I cut my beard off the other day, I was feeling like it was distorting my mind a bit, making...
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Fat

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Ever since I was able to identify with the word, it's been a pretty lethal word to me. Ive sometimes used it to describe myself,  I'm sure there's plenty of posts on this blog that back it up. That being said it isn't a term I welcome  or am comfortable with, like I said, it's a lethal word, venomous and painful. I believe when I've used it to refer to myself Ive sub- (or just plain) consciously tried to hurt myself. For some overweight people, the lucky few, the word fat doesn't have such a negative connotation, it's just a word. But for me it's much more powerful than just a word, and I feel like a lot of the overweight can relate to how hurtful, painful, and uncomfortable it can be to hear. I think there is enough fat-shaming going on in the world without the need for it to come from within those affected, easier said I suppose. Because of societies incredible tolerance of fat-shaming, I've learned to hate myself,  and my image because...
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