Completely Unfortunate-Looking

So I have a somewhat new unhealthy thing to dislike about myself to dwell over and it's this, I've come to the seeping conclusion that I'm ugly. Not that I ever thought I was a knockout before, but now I'm really noticing my hideousness. It all started when  realized there really isn't a single picture I actually look "good"  in and I thought maybe it's because I don't  actually use my dslr, except that one time for FaceToFace and I looked hideous. So I thought I'd try taking some pictures and I was horrified. I'm ugly, I'm completely unfortunate-looking, in fact I was less of a mess when I was much bigger. Maybe it's because I just didn't give a crap, and I already expected to spend my life alone, plus my fake smile was so convincing. Anyways this newly intensified insecurity throws a bit of a curveball at my weight loss journey as it's already being pummeled plenty. As I think of results and if or whether they are happening fast enough, now have this "well even if I do lose the weight I'm still an ugly rat faced fiend" thing, which isn't exactly motivating. Obviously I'm all over the place, but what's new.

All of this and I still managed to lose weight, yeah whatever... last week I weighted 357.2 this week I weigh 350.4. I lost 6.8lbs. Last week was the second half the challenge my therapist had me on, I didn't end up doing because I spent most of the week helping my friends take care of their newly spayed dogs (Belle of the ball wont be having any little princesses of her own). I did however workout over the weekend effectively killing off the weekend rest period as I mentioned I might a few weeks back.

I also started this

So this is my own personal month challenge. I already mentioned how I planned to make December my most active month well here is how. This is taped on my closet door every box is a day in December starting with the 2nd (box one is dec 2nd, I already missed the first) I'll do my indoor multi muscle workout everyday or at least attempt to. I'll fill in the boxes with checks accordingly . The visual aid of actually seeing the log is a huge motivator, I simply can't forget if I'm actually home.
Starting from the second box, because I was lazy on the second there are currently four checks. Today will certainly be a check.


Comments

  1. hey, brandon-- the process that has you believing that you are hideous is your old nemesis body dysmorphia again. you are absolutely not hideous. I know you can't believe me, but it's true (trust). I had some similar beliefs about myself (so much so that I assumed everyone who looked at me was staring at how ugly I was). it took therapy, medicine and hard work to shake me of this belief (and when I'm stressed, sometimes I can briefly fall back into it), but you can overcome it. this is definitely something to talk with your therapist about. (and, lastly: I PROMISE you are not hideous, even if you believe you are.)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you dearly, This time of the year is historically pretty rough. I feel like my head is spinning and and every time I finally get it to stop I find that I discovered a new problem with myself.

      I'm definitely trying to see that a lot of my issues potentially are in my head. Like you pointed out the body dysmorphia, like my psychiatrist and therapist have been working with me on identifying distorted thinking. I need to start recognizing it more and that way I can maybe prevent from becoming a bigger issue

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