3O

-
Today was/is my birthday, I've turned the age I've been dreading since I started this blog. Don't think it, don't say it, aside from therapy I haven't mentioned a word about my birthday, still it was a bit distressing to realize my mom forgot. I woke up walked right past her to the kitchen, made breakfast, and went on. It wasn't until my grandmother called to sing me happy birthday, which genuinely filled me with joy, that my mom realized it was my birthday. Still she didn't say anything until I later came to refill my water bottle, and she simply admitted she forgot, and didn't realize until she heard grandma singing on the phone. None of my friends remembered either.

At first I was fine, but then I started to really analyze the situation. I'm 30 and I haven't accomplished a thing, and I'm still obese, and I don't really matter to anyone. I really have never felt so alone in my life. I wished I was thin and dating someone because it would matter to them. Its not the day that matters though, but its just the knowing they care, they think about me. Stuff like that.

I began to emotional eat. Actually it started partly at breakfast, but after everything hit me I went back into the kitchen grabbed my bag of kettle jalapeño chips and scarfed 'em down. Then I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, then another, and another. I also ate a jelly filled donut. I took in over 3 thousand calories in total, and I had planned to just make it a binge day and eat myself silly, but I didn't.

The day didn't get better for me mentally, but I redeemed myself for my food errors earlier in the day. I went out and shoveled snow in our yard, as well as our next door neighbors. I also did my 5mile workout video, at the end of the day I ended out ahead.

pretty close though



Popular posts from this blog

Move Along Move Along, Just To Make It Through

-
Image
The title, lyrics from one of my favorite bands and one of my favor songs, The All-American Reject's Move Along . It randomly popped up in my head at just the right time. I'm not going to give up, I pretty much see how sort of ridiculous my feelings have been the last 48 hours. Lifestyle changes are not easy, it took me 27 years, 27 years of gradually weight gain to put me here, and its not going to be lost over night, not even in a year, but a lot can be done in a year, more in two, and so on, and so on. I have to keep sight of what I want, and that is to be thinner, happier and healthier. Going back to work will be a new obstacle Ill have to adjust to, Ill have to endure the looks, the stares, the embarrassment, Ill have to live through my worst fears all over again, but I know these are the last of them, these are the final years of these bad experiences. Because I'm going to continuing losing weight, and the people and actions that intend to bring me down, will, but won
Read more

My Food Is My Drug, I'll Be Usin' For The Rest Of My Life

-
Image
I didn't recover from Sundays blow. I started to eat off track and more often, things I shouldn't have. Slowly old habits started reforming. I had some cookies, a whole package, been taking meds later and later, mind slipping to even bleaker thoughts. I was up 24hrs. I see the signs of total relapse, the skipping medication, and not drinking my water are major indicators. I'm going to attempt to stop this.  But as of this writing I don't feel good about my prospects. 500lbs could be in my future. I got a new water bottle that same infamous Sunday, held 67 ounces. Loved it. ...Left it at an appointment Wednesday. I really beat myself up over this for some reason. It just made me a lot more enthusiastic about getting my water in and actually showed the water ounces on the side. I gained 5 lbs over last weekend, I knew it was water weight but it still sent me into a mental spiral. I knew I should not have looked at the scale. I've been feeling weak, tired, joints
Read more

Extraction

-
Hey everyone you would not believe the bloody nightmare I was in over the weekend, ah yes that tooth. I can't put it into words, but I was in pure agony. I couldn't sleep, literally I could not even lay down because it increased blood flow to the area. I  was in such pain my mother was stress eating chips like Hoover vacuums suck in dirt, poor thing. Is that weird, I felt bad for her feeling bad for me? Knowing there was nothing she could do. All the usual home remedies failed horribly, I could only take Tylenol which I might as well have taken nothing! Anyways  said tooth could not be redeemed and the dentist extracted today upon examination. I can't workout today because I have to take it easy, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, the week looks like buissness as usual, I'm thinking of maybe going for a walking-photo-taking-adventure ( this week, I know I'm going to have one but will it be this week? I have a few posts thought out for this week that I th
Read more

Archive

Show more