Mamma Mia

-

What i said last time, forget it. I dont even remember what I said I was going to be doing but it never happened. 

I was scheduled for weight loss surgery jan 5th, but changed it. My liquid diet being right at the time of christmas proved to be too much.. Surgery is now slated for February 16th


I just don’t know what to do with my time these days. I’m bored all the time, my depression is getting bad I’m eating eating so much, I just don’t understand. I don’t know how much of it is me and how much is the medication anymore but I do know that I need to make a change. I think the addiction side of things has really been bogging me down, I haven’t  been motivated enough to try to defeat it. 

I don’t have a lot of hope for the future I certainly don’t have any New Year’s resolutions. I feel like I’m just existing day to day, this isn’t necessarily a new feeling it’s just that it’s been around a lot lately. I’ve been having these small panic attacks and I get antsy and nervous and my anxiety  just goes through the roof and it becomes hard to manage and I won’t know what I’m supposed to do. I don’t know what my mind wants from me I can’t decipher what it means, what it wants me to do I feel like I’m doing something wrong I’m wasting time I need to do something more. 

The only thing I have to look forward  to is the one thing that I’m also pretty scared of doing,  which is the weight-loss surgery. I need this and a large part of me even wants it while a small part of me doesn’t, and that’s part of the side that got me to reschedule it in the first place otherwise it would just be six days from now and I would  be getting the surgery but I had it pushed back luckily it wasn’t pushed back to far.


Is it really possible for there to be a New Year, (and) New Me?


Popular posts from this blog

Loose Skin

-
Image
So there it is for all to see the loose, hanging skin on my arms that was once filled with nothing but fat. I didn't really pay too much attention to this growing phenomenon  until last year when a certain incident occurred that I deliberately decided not to write about because  I would not only discard the good things that happened that day, but turn this into an actual bigger issue. The incident occurred one of the first times I went to the gym solo and was coming back, it was one of the better days if I recall. I had my arm out the window (or on the window seal) enjoying the breeze and we were stopped at a red light. I noticed in my rear-view mirror that in one of the cars in the next lane was a guy talking to some woman, and he looked over at my arm and said "that guys got a really big arm." Then the light went green, it didn't really click to me at first, but when I was bigger I used to try to avoid hanging my arm on or out the window because I was emba
Read more

Extraction

-
Hey everyone you would not believe the bloody nightmare I was in over the weekend, ah yes that tooth. I can't put it into words, but I was in pure agony. I couldn't sleep, literally I could not even lay down because it increased blood flow to the area. I  was in such pain my mother was stress eating chips like Hoover vacuums suck in dirt, poor thing. Is that weird, I felt bad for her feeling bad for me? Knowing there was nothing she could do. All the usual home remedies failed horribly, I could only take Tylenol which I might as well have taken nothing! Anyways  said tooth could not be redeemed and the dentist extracted today upon examination. I can't workout today because I have to take it easy, I have a doctors appointment tomorrow, the week looks like buissness as usual, I'm thinking of maybe going for a walking-photo-taking-adventure ( this week, I know I'm going to have one but will it be this week? I have a few posts thought out for this week that I th
Read more

Super Bowl Chow Down

-
Yesterday was the Super Bowl and once again my friend hosted a party with lots of foods that I typically steer clear of. I made it a point to tell myself that it was okay so to eat freely so long as I didn't binge eat or deliberately over eat, and to return back to my usual routines the following day and hit the exercise a little extra hard. I did indulge yesterday I ate more than usual  and didn't beat myself up for it because I felt like this wasn't going to be like last year when I gained 10lbs because I was inconsistent over that entire week, and I wasn't very active, things are different now. I've got a much better scope on things and one day isn't going to wreck everything. I had a very good time, the game was super duper boring, and the commercials were a bit of a let down, though there were s handful that were some standout. I had a good time joking around with friends, asking ridiculous questions of the amazon echo, getting attacked by dogs etc. I rea
Read more

Archive

Show more