2020 Recap
Reflecting upon the last year. All attempts at weight loss ended in failure, I was put back on blood pressure medications, a brother of mine was arrested, a global pandemic began, lowdown, weight gain, mental instability, my psychiatrist of over 5 years suddenly dropped me, a lot to unpack.
Weight-gain was the theme of the year, after every weight loss attempt came regain 1.5x what I had lost. There was no motivation, I was running mechanically most the time hoping that suddenly something would spark and the rest would be automated, come naturally like it did years ago, but that didn't happen. I started walking at the park again, but it was ultimately short lived, I couldn't maintain the determination needed to keep that going. The worst part is my mom was relying on me. I do feel bad, but luckily she remained on a weight loss streak all year. She certainly didn't need me, though when I stopped walking so did she.
Wondering where my rock-bottom is was a whole chapter of its own. I thought I hit rock-bottom years ago which triggered my initial weight loss, but Ive found that since my regain, that former rock-bottom fell through to a deeper bottom, one that seemingly keeps going. I figured being placed back on blood pressure medication might be my rock bottom, that being told I have fatty lever disease and need to loss weight would be my rock bottom, but neither was. I figured binging on countless cookies back to back would be my rock bottom, I figured eating entire pound cakes daily would be my rock bottom, but I keep falling. Depression, weight, anxiety, instability all at new peaks, and I still haven't hit my rock bottom, the scary truth is I worry that I don't have one, and this path I'm on will only get worse until it causes my demise.
Covid. Need i say more? Lockdown. need I say more? Racial injustice. Need I say more? All those things had tremendous impact on me in the last year and my mental health paid the price, not seeing my friends even a handful of times was harder than I expected. A revolving door of of medication changes to find whats going to finally even me out, without making me eating an island worth of food a day. A true solution has yet to be found.
After 5 years of of working together building trust, and understanding my psychiatrist dropped me. It was literally sudden, I had am appointment one day that she missed, and instead of talking to me herself I get a call from her office telling me that she'll no longer be seeing me and that someone else is already lined up to take her place. I was devastated and am still devastated. This didn't help my mental health one bit, I'm still trying to come to terms and Ive found it quite hard..I haven't seen the new guy yet and by default already hate his stinking guts!
One of my brothers was arrested, and remains incarcerated. My aunt was involved in multiple car accidents, my grandmas memory issues are getting worse, she lost 1,500$ that's gone forever, a family member died of sudden cancer remission, my mother failed multiple attempts to quit smoking, a dear friend of mines father died, another friend broke her foot.
The pandemic rages on, I feel I’ve all but lost my will to live, and now a new year begins. Coming off all the aforementioned issues it’s hard to have any optimism about 2021.
