Developments

Therapy out the way, we touched down on a lot of subjects today. I felt pretty good afterwords which is pretty rare, even when nothing heavy is discussed I tend to feel emotionally drained and drift towards to the sad spectrum of things for the rest of the day. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is what the the type of group therapy my psychiatrist is wanting me todo, I discussed it more with my therapist and even agreed to maybe go next week. It would be weekly on Tuesdays, my therapist won't actually have any involvement with the group itself.

What to make of this is the question. Before heading to therapy my mom said "you look good today, your hair looks nice." I just looked over at her with a confused, suspicious look for a while. My mom taking slight offense to this then said "you're welcome." Which honestly, I was going to say but  I was so wrapped up in how random that was, and why it happened, that I had not got to saying the thank you yet. I actually said that to her. Then I asked why she said it. She said she had a dream where she was praising me, and telling me how proud of me she was for my weight loss, and I said "really cause you've never actually done that" she didn't say anything at first, but then she said well I guess I'm doing it now, and said "I'm very proud of you for sticking with this for so long I don't think I could have done it."

My therapist was glad that I actually stated that she hadn't done the acknowledging, and it all would seem like this is what I had been waiting for, but somehow it didn't give me everything I needed. So I'm probably going to eventually tell her how big of an issue the silence has been. Or not, because I don't want things to turn into a bunch of fake you're looking great all the time, just to compensate. So I don't know, maybe after I sleep on it, what I got today will actually be enough.

I mentioned today in therapy how I still was considering going back to work even though my psychiatrist suggested I do not, (as does my therapist) my issues  with social anxiety have gotten better but are far from gone. The other day while out with my friend Nick and Mike we went to a park way out of town that was suppose to be a good place for Pokemon Go, it was very busy, it didn't hit me until I got out of the car, we ended up sitting at bench area but I had completely shut down. I stopped talking, I was sweating like crazing. I even moved the furthest away from my friends because I did not want them to talk to me because I did not want to draw attention to myself by having to speak. My friend Mike joked that it had become awkwardly quiet once he and nicks conversations died. I was just in a complete nightmare. I was trying to be invisible. I have improved a lot in public places over the year, but I still have a ways to go. I decided with my therapist that I would get back into the job market when I'm in 200lbs.

I did that dumbbell workout for the first time tonight, it had me humbled. I was sweating quite a bit and just genuinely shocked at how much of a piece of a cake this turned out not to be. I didn't even do the parts where he got on the floor, the floor is wood in my room and with my whole knee thing (just no), and honestly going from the floor to upright suddenly with this ongoing lightheaded dizziness thing, probably not for the best (in other news I see my doctor tomorrow). I will need to modify the workout to fill in that time. Tomorrow I will do it with my music now that I have a better idea of it, and with my music I should actually be a lot more effective.

Comments

  1. I'm so glad you could hear your mom's praise of you, even if you don't have an "ideal" relationship with her. And I wanted to pop in to say that DBT changed my life. It's definitely a practice (day by day), but I view it as an essential tool in my own recovery. Look up "distress tolerance" because that's one of my favorites, and I *never* believed it would work for me---but it did. (Took time, practice and a little patience-- but YOU are WORTH IT!)

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  2. Thank you for popping in, and informing me of your experience with DBT. I'm glad that it worked out so well for you. I'm still quite nervous about the whole thing to be honest, and I'm still not certain about going next week, but I think I'm going to tackle it eventually.

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  3. I think it's good that the dumbell workout humbled you. You have room to improve and when you see that improvement, you will fee SO PROUD! I've seen that in several areas of my life and they are great "Non-scale victories"! Keep up the great work, Brandon. You are worth the investment!

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