Slow Start

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I’ve been stacking the dominoes so to speak . Lining things up to prepare for what could be the comeback of the century. I can’t wait for the motivation, I can’t wait for the inspiration. They aren’t coming. I just have to go, I just have to do. I surprised myself with what I was capable of when I changed my life to lose weight, I can do it again.

I’ll never forget the feeling of hopelessness the idea of weight loss was back 2010, so hopeless that I knew any thing I tried would fail. It wasn’t in the realm of possibilities it wasn’t feasible. But in 2014 with a slow start I would go on to completely obliterate all the perceptions I had about losing weight and my ability.

 Mental illness has played a bigger role than I liked to admit, I’ve never shied away from discussing my depression , anxiety PTSD but It took until this last year to realize I have less control over things than I’d like. 

I know these problems won’t vanish with weight loss but it would help tremendously. I have to begin. Every journey has to start somewhere. I have to use all the skills, practices, resources at my disposal to fight back on the very vocal side of me that wants me to be dead already, the side that distorts looks and comments, the side that tells me it’s never good enough. The side that tells me every disappointment is a failure and I should be ashamed for trying. That side that ultimately won and has my weight  nearing my starting numbers. 

This isn’t just a a fight to lose weight it’s a fight against myself. But it’s a slow start, but it has to start somewhere. I’ve decided to start saying a new mantra everyday. “I’m the same. I’m the same. I’m trying to change” it’s from a Florence + The Machine song called Third Eye and it’s my spirit animal. Yes a song is my spirit animal.

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