Dolorous

How does your typical day begin? What tasks so you normally do, what people do you normally see? What places do you go, what kind of things keep you busy? "Is this my life?" I ask to myself way too often.  I have no hobbies,  and interests are slim. I've realized how much each day looks like the one before it. I'm mostly surrounded in the four walls that makeup my bedroom. I have my 3 meals, I read a few blogs, I watch various YouTube videos, I take naps to fight the overwhelming depression and anxiety at times, later in the day I do my indoor miles, I go to bed. Unless I have an appointment, or the nephews drop by, the formula doesn't change much. This is my existence. Truly it feels like I'm just living for the next weigh-in. I often try to forget that I am 28.

I recently rediscovered my plans and aspirations for 2015 which I wrote December 8, 2014. Long before this blog came to be (well not that long actually). I don't know if I ever posted it.

Forward 2015, plans, aspirations 

Continue moderation of eating.

Incorporate fitness. Walking, and weights several times a week.

Read 

at least once a day from a book that aims to improve my life

Work on improving skills in math.

Help mom out with more tasks. 

Help with grandma as well.

Learn to drive

Get license 

Get job 

Get car

Improve photography skills

Shoot every day possible, people places thing.

Keep updated blog on my work.

Write about losing weight 

Legit more sleep, set bedtimes.

Interesting... I was pretty serious about the reading a book that aims to improve my life thing, I have so many books in that area that I haven't even started on. The Power Of  Your Subconscious Mind, The 4000 Words Essential For An Educated Vocabulary, Peace Is Every Step: The Path To Mindfulness In Everyday Life, Stumbling On Happiness, The Art Of Happiness, How To Stop Worrying And Start Living, Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People, How To a Win Friends And Influence People, Six Thinking Hats, Moon walking With Einstein: the Art and Science of Remembering Everything, Getting Things Done, Social Psychology For Dummies. The list goes on, I'm actually slightly proud of myself for having sought those out at some point, too bad I never started reading any of them, except The Power Of Your Subconscious Mind, it did a lot of referencing to other works which I didn't like, I should probably try to give it another shot now that I can focus better.

It's interesting that my grandma was on that list. My grandma has been pretty much a different person towards me since my hospitalization. I'm not sure if any of you remember the letter incident, I still own that letter, I've considered taking it to my therapist, but I always decide not to cause I don't want her to think badly of her or something. I don't know. Maybe I would just rather be the only person that seen it, still, it's interesting to think that it wasn't that long ago that the family had no idea about my depression and anxiety, and I suppose really they are still quite clueless to the severity of it, but that's by my design.

I suppose I did get a job last year, though I failed to maintain it and I guess you could say it drove me crazy (quite literally). I didn't get to a desirable enough weight to want attempt for a license so ditto to the car. I certainly didn't improve my photography skills or shoot everyday possible, too ashamed of my body to go out and do such things. I did pretty good with the blog related stuff last year. Sleep was a roll of the dice, I recall it being quite poor for some time though. I was able to help mom out more as I lost more weight though, I'm only realizing that now. I dropped the ball with reading all the way around.

I just thought I'd go through that list, it was interesting to come across. I didn't make anything remotely like that for the current year.