The BBQ, Therapy, and More

I decided to go to the BBQ after all, we arrived there after 2pm on Monday there were quite a lot of people there, most of which I didn't know. My brother and the nephews were already there. My brother took us around and introduced us to the people we didn't know, which was sort of a nightmare for me, but everyone was super nice and respectable which made that part all the more easier for me. My mom made her way to a table with the ladies, the kids were having a blast jumping on a giant trampoline, there was a table with a group gentlemen I had been introduced to, which I made sure to avoid sitting at. There were two guys manning two separate  large grills. I found my way to a empty picnic table in the far back of the backyard, all to myself, nice and secluded, well secluded enough. My youngest nephew soon joined me for awhile. More people started showing up, and introducing themselves.

At some point my brother came to talk to me about various things, some about his worries about the state the of his relationship with my nephews mom, whom he is living with, and also told me he doesn't like where his three other kids live, that he wants better for them. He passionately talked about his future working in welding. I gave him some pretty firm advice about my nephews mother, and about being in a relationship and how he isn't being realistic and maybe expects too much and how she has had to do everything on her own while he was in jail and I'm sure she harbors some latent resentment so he can't expect a picture perfect relationship over night, or over a few days which is what it sounds like to me is what he is indeed expecting. I also stressed it's important to communicate the issues or worries he is having.

He also mentioned Planet Fitness unprovoked, he has this whole idea something about burpees which is something I can't  even consider for another 100 pounds or so. He mentioned getting me a membership once he gets situated with a job, honestly I don't expect that to come to fruition. My brother didn't seem to have any problem opening up to me. I remembered how I used to want to be a therapist and how I've always been good with giving advice.

Later my nephews mother came to where we were and shifted the conversation completely. More people kept arriving, eventually some guy arrived who was a bit younger than the average person there. Very built, began making the rounds introducing himself, I just kept noticing how fit he was, and I was really hoping he didn't introduce himself to me. He eventually made his way to me, it was brief, he and my brother hit it off, I noticed how naturally confident and outgoing he was, and learned he was part of a track team, a drill team, a football team, and some kind dance team. He had no problem injecting himself  into various social pockets going on. I had not realized until he arrived that I was the largest person at the event, typically this is something I tend to point out to myself instantly on these types of occasions but it wasn't until observing him for a bit and realizing how much he had in common with my brother did it register. It wasn't a great realization but every time it seemed like my anxiety would rocket it's way towards the moon, or Id be lost a bit too long in my own thoughts, one of my nephews would come and supply me with a distraction.

I didn't eat any of the food, which included ribs, chicken, hot dogs, various grilled vegetables and an array of other dishes.  We ended up staying there for over 6 hours. I was glad to go home, I ended up going to bed early because I had a throbbing headache and because I experienced a powerful dizzy spell. I skipped my evening indoor miles because my calories were quite low for the day (I did eat dinner) and decided to not push it.

My therapist was rather impressed with how I've handled the past week, I on the other hand am not quite sure. When do I get to feel normal is a question I keep asking, but I know it isn't until I look like that guy from the barbecue. In other news I've done my blood work so next week I can follow up on that, I also see my psychiatrist next week as well (you know... if she doesn't cancel).

This is pretty early after arriving, a lot of people had not arrived yet, on the lower deck of the house the grill is currently unmanned. Also at the table with my mom is my nephew's Great Uncles wife.


  1. Congrats, on the weight loss. You have come a very long way and should feel proud about it.

  2. Good for you for stepping outside of your comfort zone and going to the bbq. It's not easy when you have anxiety.

    It seems like there were some foods there you could have eaten. Maybe the headache and dizziness were from low blood sugar from not having eaten?

    It sounds like your brother is trying to make an effort. From his perspective, it probably isn't too easy to come back into people's lives.

    The bbq looked like a nice time; thanks for sharing the pic! Nice big yard for it.

  3. Sounds like a pretty good day. I'll be honest to admit, I would have thought I'd be more confident when I was thinner I lost 90 pounds and gained back 20 and even at my lowest, it wasn't my size that made me feel any certain way. But I understand what you are saying. It would be nice to blend in with any group. That was brave to go to the bbq, even when the anxiety flared up, you didn't let it overtake you. Small victories add up!

    1. Melissa, did you feel like you blended in better in places like the grocery store or restaurants when you lost your weight? Those were two big places I noticed a difference.

  4. Have a nice weekend Brandon. Are you doing anything special?

    1. Likewise. Nope, it's a pretty mute weekend this time around.


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