And The Only Solution Was To Stand And Fight

More than ever perhaps it's become clear to that the road to recovery isn't going to be an easy one. And I'm just talking about my mental health, it's been a struggle truly, but the past week it has felt like I've made the right steps in the right directions. So when I found myself knee deep in melancholy recently I really had to decide between a burst of incredibly self-destructive impossible, and simultaneously rational lucid, thoughts. I made it through by consciously deciding to go with the rational side of things. Slowly things came together and the seemingly distorted picture of my life got a bit  of clarity.

These battles are happening quite often, I have to ask myself am I strong enough for this, do I even want this any more? I get through them but the answers aren't always crystal clear. I still don't know where my weight loss is going, major weight loss success stories or transformations give me anxiety now I just genuinely don't think I will ever get there, and a part of me is thinking maybe it's because I'm so uncertain of my future because of the depression that can't even comprehend the idea of transformative success, or being around for it, that it's just mentally blocked

I'm still managing but it's a struggle, just when I think my head is above water the oddest thing proves to be a new wave to send me under. Still I keep resurfacing.

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