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Decline

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Another month nears its end and another weight in with poor results was had. Last week I weighted 434.8 pounds, this week,  434.8. I maintained. It's been a rather bumpy month in terms of the mental health spectrum, and my overall journey. It's like my journey is a car and I'm suppose to be driving it, but this month i put on a blind fold, hopped over to the passenger seat and let my depression take the wheel. I never knew if I'm going foward backward, or if I was moving at all. I haven't been doing my homework for therapy in spite of  stating I would put more effort into it awhile ago. I told my therapist I think subconsciously I maybe don't want to do the home work cause I want to stay at the edge, but cause I want to build up to jump off the cliff. Earlier this month I wrote a goodbye letter to my nephews, sensing my impending doom after entering the dark haze once again. I was telling them, among other things, how I was sorry that I wasn't a bett...
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Food Addict. Emotionally Attached

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Food is the center of the universe. Mine, anyways, and that has to change. I've been on a bender. Bingeing daily for the last week wicked-hard. I had already been bingeing prior. I think about the state of the world, often existential thinking leads me to my lowest state-of-being and most severe depression but it happens alot. Because of these thinking's I often feel like there is nothing worth living for. So much evil in the world, so many people set on bringing people down, making others suffer. I think about my weight loss journey, and the motivation comes in comically quick sessions and gone seemingly forever. Future Self/ Ideal Me (remember that?) was what I was reaching for. A much better version of me. The me I envisioned with life not held back by weight and crippling social anxiety. I used to bring this up a lot more in '15 & '16. But now almost never. I often think, you're in your early 30s, you gained all this weight back, the world is...
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A Fast Friday

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Well this day kind of just came and went. For breakfast I had scrambled cheese eggs, toast, hash browns and turkey bacon. I couldn't even eat the entire piece of bacon, I'm so sick of turkey bacon, I just couldn't do it, I gave my remaining pieces to my mom. I realized that even though I was supposed to stop the fasting since last week. I've been doing it almost everyday. It wasnt until yesterday that it dawned on me I skipped lunch or snacks all week. For dinner I had two tuna egg salad sandwiches with sliced tomatoes and onions with some 7UP. I didn't do too much today, I didn't go walking or anything productive really. I did watch another documentary called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I plan to watch the sequel this weekend sometime. I unfortunately got to bed quite late, after 1am. My sleep, lately has not been great, I toss and turn now more than I can ever recall. Calories 2,052 Sodium 4,760
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