So What Do I Do?

-
I can't live without the internet, but its killing me. Some of my favorite people on Tumblr and Instagram trigger my body shame and self hatred. Its wanting to look like some of these people so bad. I just end up feeling disgusting and I end up binging my feelings and then I spiral into a very bad place. But without these platforms I also feel insignificant like I'm missing out. Like no one would notice or care if just disappeared one day.


I don't know what to do, I have kept going in extreme circles because of various trigger events. I'm just not happy with my body. I only look decent in that black hoodie. My fat placing makes my body so awkward I hate taking photos in bright or soft colors. There just doesn't seem to be away to get passed this.


I've considered just straight blogging. No internet usage aside from that. Delete all my social media apps and just stay away from the majority of the internet world. I know that if I do these it will initially be very hard but I just don't know what else to do.


I also really hate my hair. All year I've been playing with my hair trying new things. Trying to spice up my image and break the norm of buzz cuts I've worn the majority of my life. But none of them have made me feel reinvented, like I've had some mini makeover. I tried various curl styles, braids, fro, bun, puffs etc. I've dyed it once and recently bleached it. I've never gotten the results I wanted. I don't know if its the double chin or if I'm just too ugly.

I'm so irritable and I'm irritable because I'm unhappy and I hate that I'm so irritable and unhappy.


Today I binged out. I can't even say what the recovery plan is as I have continually failed to see any through. So I guess I just won't even talk about what I "plan" todo anymore.
Some of my failed hair journey throughout the year

Popular posts from this blog

Move Along Move Along, Just To Make It Through

-
Image
The title, lyrics from one of my favorite bands and one of my favor songs, The All-American Reject's Move Along . It randomly popped up in my head at just the right time. I'm not going to give up, I pretty much see how sort of ridiculous my feelings have been the last 48 hours. Lifestyle changes are not easy, it took me 27 years, 27 years of gradually weight gain to put me here, and its not going to be lost over night, not even in a year, but a lot can be done in a year, more in two, and so on, and so on. I have to keep sight of what I want, and that is to be thinner, happier and healthier. Going back to work will be a new obstacle Ill have to adjust to, Ill have to endure the looks, the stares, the embarrassment, Ill have to live through my worst fears all over again, but I know these are the last of them, these are the final years of these bad experiences. Because I'm going to continuing losing weight, and the people and actions that intend to bring me down, will, but won
Read more

Weigh-in: Seeking Redemption Cove

-
So here we are, it's Monday. Time to weigh-in, after a week of overindulging on calorie packed bakery cookies and skipping on exercising and not to mention Saturday in its entirety,  I have come into this weigh-in with realistic sense of dread. Last week I weighted 357.6. This week I weigh 354.4 . So that actually turns out to be a loss of 3.2lbs. So how did this happen? Well I honestly didn't eat dinner for the last four days, so that probably plays a slight role. Like I said a in previous post I've been in an odd place mentally, and I've taken some steps back depression wise. I decided to skip dinner since Thursday part of it was because I was trying to compensate for the damage I'd already done throughout the week, and another part was just the depression making it too easy for me not to have any appetite. The plan for the week is still to reach R edemption C ove , I'm quite uncertain if this is possible to be honest. I'm quite unmotivated and still men
Read more

Boring Weekend Nears Its End

-
Yesterday was rather boring, I watched movies, most of them not very good ones. I ate a bowl of cereal for breakfast and fasted till dinner (I think the fasting will be a regular now) . For dinner I had some rather bland barbecue turkey meatballs, my experience with turkey meat is either it's good, or its bad, there is no in between. Anywho, I downed those with chips which is where the bulk of the days calories came from. I consumed 2,185 calories in total. Going in to this next week Id like to stay below 1800 calories, or even 1,500. Im curious about tomorrow's weigh in, wondering if it will go well. I'm concerned about maybe gaining weight somehow. It's way too soon to see the numbers go up. My goal is still to be out of the 500s by mid April, actually, let's just say by May. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow morning that should be interesting, just standard stuff this time. I'm planning workout boot camp for the coming, in -door miles every day u
Read more

Archive

Show more