Round And Round

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I've been losing my mojo, perhaps my lack of presence here is a good indication of that. This past week I gained four pounds, the prior week (the week of my failed fitness reboot) I lost around 7. Last week I weighed 453, this week 457. I ate unapologetically last week, pizza, fast food, did not track at all. Every time I hang out with friends, I gain, because I lift all food restrictions, not always intentionally, either way here I am again another week up. I've stalled progress and I've begun wondering why I've gotten to this point, I've been really discouraged, by unusual sources I  think.

Every time I see a fit thin, muscular guy I just feel completely disgusting. I like I haven't gotten anywhere, like I'll never be there. Then I just go on and on about what it must be like to have lived  their average thin life, and I sink, and I give up ever so slightly each time. So I'm going backwards. Every week I lose weight I take a victory lap and gain the next week. I don't seem to see myself thin, so I think I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself.

This struggle is hard because anytime I see someone with a body type I want, which is literally everyday, it doesn't motivate me to work harder and to push forward, it makes it seem impossible. It feels like I'm just waiting to hit the inevitable wall when everything becomes undone, because... The end of the year is fast approaching, I'm still huge, I haven't had that extreme makeover year I wanted, and I can't see myself as a thin. This feels somehow new and different, but I've mentioned issues of this nature before. My state of mind has been mostly okay unless I think of, well future-self/ideal me then I get spikes of anxiety, regret, disgust, sadness, and of course depression. This is pretty counterproductive I know, but I'm glad to say that for the most part the depression has been greatly controlled.

I'm seeing my doctor this week about that fainting episode, I'd rather pretend it didn't happen. I need to get back blogging everyday, so I am.

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