Round And Round

-
I've been losing my mojo, perhaps my lack of presence here is a good indication of that. This past week I gained four pounds, the prior week (the week of my failed fitness reboot) I lost around 7. Last week I weighed 453, this week 457. I ate unapologetically last week, pizza, fast food, did not track at all. Every time I hang out with friends, I gain, because I lift all food restrictions, not always intentionally, either way here I am again another week up. I've stalled progress and I've begun wondering why I've gotten to this point, I've been really discouraged, by unusual sources I  think.

Every time I see a fit thin, muscular guy I just feel completely disgusting. I like I haven't gotten anywhere, like I'll never be there. Then I just go on and on about what it must be like to have lived  their average thin life, and I sink, and I give up ever so slightly each time. So I'm going backwards. Every week I lose weight I take a victory lap and gain the next week. I don't seem to see myself thin, so I think I'm subconsciously sabotaging myself.

This struggle is hard because anytime I see someone with a body type I want, which is literally everyday, it doesn't motivate me to work harder and to push forward, it makes it seem impossible. It feels like I'm just waiting to hit the inevitable wall when everything becomes undone, because... The end of the year is fast approaching, I'm still huge, I haven't had that extreme makeover year I wanted, and I can't see myself as a thin. This feels somehow new and different, but I've mentioned issues of this nature before. My state of mind has been mostly okay unless I think of, well future-self/ideal me then I get spikes of anxiety, regret, disgust, sadness, and of course depression. This is pretty counterproductive I know, but I'm glad to say that for the most part the depression has been greatly controlled.

I'm seeing my doctor this week about that fainting episode, I'd rather pretend it didn't happen. I need to get back blogging everyday, so I am.

Popular posts from this blog

Smooth Sailing

-
The week seems to have just glided by, it's almost over. I've been sleeping well, this morning however I woke-up feeling kind of out of it.  A recent comment mentioned going down in shirt sizes, that's interesting because my therapist has been saying I should do this for weeks, new clothes, it's a touchy subject. I'm not quite sure there is enough of a difference to warrant me getting new lower sizes. As I told my therapist (whom thought I was being ridiculous) I've laid in these shirts in so many different ways and contorted them that it's really no telling if weight loss  has anything to with this appearance. So I really don't want to go down lower in sizes and be disappointed, and then wouldn't going down in size make me look bigger anyways? I know the logic in that last bit is odd , but it just came to me, I can't rationalize it, but it seems valid as if this sentence. Mentally I'm mostly stable, however that picture of me by the campe...
Read more

I Watched Some Picture Films

-
I always like when people refer to movies as "picture films." I actually watched some movies over the weekend several days in a row. I even watched one this morning called The Loft , yesterday I watched The Account with Ben Affleck (so good). Its been really nice getting caught up in movie worlds for a little bit of time again, especially the horror ones, I really love a good spooky film. I watched one called From The Dark that was really good and I actually have a few to watch tonight so that should be scary fun. I got some Canadian bacon because I was told this was better for me than regular bacon because its considered lean or whatever, I also got some peanut butter 2 that I'm planning on making on an Instagram story video thing maybe today, its basically this powdery peanut butter you add water to that turns into normal peanut butter that has less fat and calories than regular peanut butter, so if you're following me on Instagram be looking out for that. How ...
Read more

Boot Camp Week Day Five

-
Image
The final day of boot camp week is upon us. Today the exercise goal is to complete the four mile challenge, which would give me a new miles per week peak. The food goal is simple once again, and the consistent goal of the week. Stay below 1,800 calories. I got news yesterday that my oldest nephew might be coming down for the weekend. That's pretty awesome news. His spring break starts today, but he'll only be here the weekend (versus the entire break previously), but   it wasn't set in stone so I'm not expecting anything.  He has been getting all A's in school this semester so far so I'm really proud of him. Today I'm getting blood work done, and will likely schedule  that follow up appointment.
Read more

Archive

Show more