I Am Teaching Myself To Be Free



I've been in that familiar spot about support again, not that I don't have any but I'm just in weird place about general interest. My friends and family don't ask me "how's the weight loss going" general questions like that. When I know someone is interested or dedicated to something I make inquiries about it. That does not happen with me and people inquiring about my weight loss. This isn't distorted thinking this time, also separate  from not acknowledging the weight I've lost, but there is a difference and it bugs me. I'm not going backwards all of a sudden, I just realize I have to accept things the way they are.

I also have to accept that outside of my blog and Instagram, my friends and family aren't going to be a particularly great source of motivation (with the exception of the nephews). I get they are proud of what I've done but no one is really pushing me, and I could really use some pushing right now. Generic hollow motivation isn't really effective on me either, so I know when empty words are being thrown at me (like, by a certain friend).

I've been steering this ship since the beginning, I threw it into turbulent seas because enough was enough, but knowing I'd mostly be going it alone. It wasn't going to be like The Biggest Loser where I would be together with 20 other people to share in the trials of weightloss, nope it would be pretty much just me. If I failed absolutely no one would bat a lash because that's what I did. Part of me feels like even now people are still expecting me to fail, to dive off the plank completely and to just completely nose-dive into my old ways and gain it all back. That really irks me.

I'm realizing I have to be my biggest motivator, I'm going to have the be the person to really push myself, the support system I have, is the support system I have had and it's been great, it's online and that's okay. Not to say my friends and family aren't supportive, but what I want from them I'm not going to get, and I'm finally accepting that.

This should be freeing, I'm just tired of wanting people in my life to just show a little bit of interest in something I'm clearly serious about, and then over analyzing why this doesn't happen after so long, sinking myself into a mental hole just to climb out and dig back into it all over again. I don't care if they don't care anymore.

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