Weighday

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There's A Canyon In MyTooth

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Otherwise known as a cavity, its been building up to this point the past few days but now it's reached a fever-pitch and it's awful,  I  won't be able to do anything about it until next week though, and judging by the severity of the pain, which is reminiscent of the pain I had a few years ago when I had a cavity that had to be pulled (when I was warned of my high blood pressure but did nothing) this tooth probably has to go too. It's interesting I  try to make it a point to brush my teeth more then something happens like a seeping spell of depression and it's the the first thing to go, especially  since brushing before bed becomes so iffy since bedtime  can very during bouts of the dark haze. Anyways it's going to be long rest of the week, the good news is Belle has been rather good, no accidents.
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3O

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Today was/is my birthday, I've turned the age I've been dreading since I started this blog. Don't think it, don't say it, aside from therapy I haven't mentioned a word about my birthday, still it was a bit distressing to realize my mom forgot. I woke up walked right past her to the kitchen, made breakfast, and went on. It wasn't until my grandmother called to sing me happy birthday, which genuinely filled me with joy , that my mom realized it was my birthday. Still she didn't say anything until I later came to refill my water bottle, and she simply admitted she forgot, and didn't realize until she heard grandma singing on the phone. None of my friends remembered either. At first I was fine, but then I started to really analyze the situation. I'm 30 and I haven't accomplished a thing, and I'm still obese, and I don't really matter to anyone. I really have never felt so alone in my life. I wished I was thin and dating someone because it w...
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Food Addict. Emotionally Attached

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Food is the center of the universe. Mine, anyways, and that has to change. I've been on a bender. Bingeing daily for the last week wicked-hard. I had already been bingeing prior. I think about the state of the world, often existential thinking leads me to my lowest state-of-being and most severe depression but it happens alot. Because of these thinking's I often feel like there is nothing worth living for. So much evil in the world, so many people set on bringing people down, making others suffer. I think about my weight loss journey, and the motivation comes in comically quick sessions and gone seemingly forever. Future Self/ Ideal Me (remember that?) was what I was reaching for. A much better version of me. The me I envisioned with life not held back by weight and crippling social anxiety. I used to bring this up a lot more in '15 & '16. But now almost never. I often think, you're in your early 30s, you gained all this weight back, the world is...
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