Brandon, Who Lives At Home

It was one of my most challenging years. I ended the year weighing more and taking more medications than when it started. It was a bad year, hands down, but there were somethings that made it better. We've heard all about the bad stuff so here is the good stuff that happened in 2020. Animal Crossing New Horizons Ive played the Animal Crossing series since it first debuted in the U.S and its had a place in my heart ever since. Being the lone human in a village, town, city and now island amongst animal peers is surprisingly fulfilling. What do you do? Well you grow fruits and flowers and now vegetables, help your friendly animal villagers with tasks, fish, catch bugs contribute to a museum, swim, decorate and expand your house inside and out, visit friends friends island etc. Its an incredibly low stakes game that's very charming and just has you smiling all the time. I'm currently experience a bit of burnout with the game, but to be fair Ive put in a staggering 1,205 hours ...

Reflecting upon the last year. All attempts at weight loss ended in failure, I was put back on blood pressure medications, a brother of mine was arrested, a global pandemic began, lowdown, weight gain, mental instability,  my psychiatrist of over 5 years suddenly dropped me, a lot to unpack. Weight-gain was the theme of the year, after every weight loss attempt came regain 1.5x what I had lost. There was no motivation, I was running mechanically most the time hoping that suddenly something would spark and the rest would be automated, come naturally like it did years ago, but that didn't happen. I started walking at the park again, but it was ultimately short lived, I couldn't maintain the determination needed to keep that going. The worst part is my mom was relying on me. I do feel bad, but luckily she remained on a weight loss streak all year. She certainly didn't need me, though when I stopped walking so did she. Wondering where my rock-bottom is was a whole chapter of it...

What i said last time, forget it. I dont even remember what I said I was going to be doing but it never happened.  I was scheduled for weight loss surgery jan 5th, but changed it. My liquid diet being right at the time of christmas proved to be too much.. Surgery is now slated for February 16th I just don’t know what to do with my time these days. I’m bored all the time, my depression is getting bad I’m eating eating so much, I just don’t understand. I don’t know how much of it is me and how much is the medication anymore but I do know that I need to make a change.  I think the addiction side of things has really been bogging me down, I haven’t  been motivated enough to try to defeat it.  I don’t have a lot of hope for the future I certainly don’t have any New Year’s resolutions. I feel like I’m just existing day to day, this isn’t necessarily a new feeling it’s just that it’s been around a lot lately. I’ve been having these small panic attacks and I get antsy and ne...

Due to a miss calculation. The liquid diet started a day late 

Less than an hour before I begin my liquid diet. I’m not particularly confident at the moment but it’s 2020, it’s better to not be too sure of things.

Everything 

  Tis that time of the year again, Holidays, food, misery. Ive got a bit more on my plate right now and I just haven't come to a conclusion on what todo with it. Im starting a radical new diet plan soon that could either stand by itself or possibly transition into something much much bigger. Ive gone back and fourth on this many times, but Ill just have to see what happens when it starts, which Ive decided the mandatory start date is the 15th of December, not too far away.    In other news my weight is up. 526 currently. This is an all time high for the year. Ive just thrown caution to the wind, and have eaten like Ill never eat again... everyday. Im in full on disaster mode, Im in dangerous territory and I know it. If this next attempt fails, its game over, Ill sky-rocket to 600lbs and will totally have given up and will either wait to succumb to obesity or myself. So I guess you could say the next round is all or nothing.   More frequent updates to com...

So much self sabotage. So much clinging to comfort that isn’t really comfort. How do you change your view of yourself that was built over 20 years ago. Views that were projected onto you and internalized. It’s seems impossible.  I once lost hundreds of pounds, so dedicated and determined to reach the pot of happiness at the end of the weight loss rainbow. I’ve regained it back and have changed, seemingly unable to find that blind dedication again. I once believed I would only be happy once I was thin (180lbs). I still believe that, but the difference from then and now is that I don’t have any hope of reaching 180, I stopped believing it was possible so my drive is never really there. I don’t want to see me succeed, I don’t want to see myself happy. And I don’t want to see myself trying. That leaves me that disjointed comfort, eating to pass the time, eating because I ate so much earlier, eating because I’m sad.  My psychiatrist recently wanted me to do an psychiatric  inp...

I see how I’ve failed. My week has started off horribly. But it’s because of all or nothing thinking. In the end it leads to sabotage. Oh I only lost half an lb!? Screw it, you can’t do this anymore, you’ll never achieve what you achieved from before. And so I start eating recklessly.  I’ve been saying for awhile now how my past success haunts me, but it’s been haunting me differently lately. I used to focus on the weight lost, the clothes I could wear. However lately I’m haunted by the recognition I used to get. The high praise, people telling me I was making them proud, inspiring them, motivating them. That’s all gone now, back then I concluded that these compliments weren’t genuine, but a small part of me liked it. I’ve never made anyone proud like that, I had never really been recognized for anything. I miss it. Weight loss was the one thing going for me, and I blew it.  I’m insignificant again, so sorry for letting everyone down.

Just going to try to move past the last 5 days.