A personal, weight loss & mental health Odyssesy. Raw, unfiltered and honest
Superbowl Sunday
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Its the day of the biggest sporting event of the year, the Superbowl, and I'm going to a buddies Superbowl party. Ive actually been having second thoughts about going, honestly if I hadn't already committed to going I wouldn't, but I think it would be rather rude not to show up at this point. It isn't the food, but I tend to just get a lot of anxiety when I know I'm going to be in a group of people, even if its people Ive known half my life. The fear of being judged is still present, and the fear of being introduced to new people is also scary because, again, Id worry I'm being judged, it could all be in my head, but the thoughts always there.
All the above being said, I'm going to try to have a good time, and enjoy myself and the commercials, and the company. It should be fun.I will be taking pictures, and maybe some videos so look forward to an update later on in the day, and if not Ill fill you guys in tomorrow on the festivities.
Please take a look at my latest video for YouTube.
Without any context at all, here is my calorie and sodium intake from yesterday Calories 4,145 Sodium 12,342 Last time I weighted in at 495 pounds, this week I'm 491. I lost a few. It doesn't feel earned, or deserved. This is not a victory. I believe I have had some kind of fundamental shift, and my weight loss downfall is imminent. I'm just not into it anymore. I guess I know myself pretty well sometimes, don't I? I knew I could not take a walk on the wild side without it sending me into a spiral. It's not just this weekend, although, I truly realized how much I miss food freedom. King for two days it seemed. I'm just exhausted with the road ahead, it's truly never ending. I'm still in the 490s, I'm huge, that's a ton of weight to lose! It's overwhelming, I guess I'd rather be morbidly obese and fat, but able to indulge myself. Than to be spending the next X amount of centuries trying to lose weight, and hating it. I mean I hav...
It's been a pretty rough week, I had a lot of emotional battles that I sometimes lost. I feel a way I can't describe. This whole week I've had fast food, Taco Bell twice, KFC, Canes, and Chipotle. I told myself the journey was over, but somehow I remained incredibly conscious and cautious of the places I chose to eat at. I wanted to be destructed, but ended up being quite tame. The most I took in on a single day was 2,500 calories, and that was Monday, a day I had no fast food, every day since has been lower. I've been bothered by it. I wanted to revert back to the old me, and eat recklessly everyday, but that didn't happen. There is a part of me that wouldn't give up completely, it whispered in my ear like Jiminy Cricket, steering me clear if making the worst decisions possible. I could have had pizza everyday this week, Pizza Hut has a new dipper pizza, and Little Cesar's has a deep dish bacon wrapped (literally whole bacon wrapped around the crust)...
Amidst the chaos I hadn't realized we silently crept into March, the 3rd month of the year. Feels like I'm still stuck in February, its hard to grasp the reality of it. February was turbulent to say the least, with each week seemingly become more catastrophic. I'm failing this weight loss journey and that hurt, it hurts me in my core, it hurts me all around. This was the first year in so long I set goals for myself, for the time maybe ever that I truly set out to change my life for the good, for good. February was suppose to be the month that I really started seeing results, like visually, I was suppose to be able to look at myself and go yeah, I'm losing weight for sure . But that hasn't happened, every little success is surrounded in doubt, because I just cant see it, and if I cant see it, no one else can. Its March, and this month is looking like its going to be absolute hell, I have no idea how I will manage. I just don't know how long I can feel lik...
