What's The Point Again?
Well the past few days have been all over the place and my anxiety seems to keep shooting to the extreme. Yesterday I actually got in to see my psychiatrist, if you've been keeping track you know impromptu cancellations are something I pretty I have to expect. Luckily there were no last minute surprises. To get straight to the point, my psychiatrist thinks I should consider an out patient program, I forget all of the things they entail it would likely be similar to the behavioral health pavilion, I will not follow up on that. In other news she also increased my antidepressant (Prozac), I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming, yet I was still disappointed. It turns out that when they increased my ADHD medication few months back the pharmacy made an error and put on the bottle that it needed to be taken before bed, which I was quite upset my psychiatrist didn't tell me about as it's quite a change from in the morning, but I just went with it, but it was in fact an error, and was mislabeled so I was taking it wrong. Nice.
Planet Fitness. So I finally talked to my mom about the Planet Fitness thing, about maybe trading in the Hulu in for the membership. Truth is though only my mom uses the Hulu and she actually uses it so I felt bad about asking, I didn't want to ask to begin with anyways. She actually agreed, reluctantly, and all seemed well and good until I called planet fitness (because I wanted to be sure). I knew of the two memberships the 10$ and 20$ Plan, but I better know all the facts so I figured I better call ahead. During the call I learned the 10$ plan required a 44.99 down payment and with tax it would be 55.47 and for some reason to start the 20$ plan it was only 17$ (Of course then regularly it would be 20) so mom tells me she's not sure she'll be able to do that, I inform her it's okay soon as they mentioned the down payment I pretty much gave up on it. I think when my friend got his earlier this year since it was a grand-opening and they were having some special deal where he didn't have to pay the down payment. It shouldn't be so much of an issue but someone has a casino habit that has lead to very tight financial situations, I've only referenced this (the casino)once, last year, shortly after my grandmother died last year. It's an issue
What it's oddly done is made me look at the picture of things. I don't think people in my life really care that I'm trying to lose weight, when I asked my about the membership (this took place over a series of days) she at one point asked me "would you even go to the gym?" Truly I was confused by this, I mean she's seen me leave many times to go with Nick to the gym, she's heard me talk about how I dislike being on his schedule, or at least I speak... Whether or not what I say is heard is a whole different thing. Chips are my enemy but they keep making there way in the house, I've gotten really good at managing them and resisting them in general, sometimes several bags come and go without me having had any. When I weigh-in I also feel like whenever the results my moms reactions are always disingenuous.
Another thing that's been on the back of my mind is that my brother never actually commented on my weight loss, at one point I told him the actual numbers (I believe Memorial Day) and he said something like "oh, wow yeah you have lost a lot" I the only reason I gave him the numbers was because he was going on about nutrition and water and he was speaking to me like I did not have an idea about these things (like hello!). It reinforced feelings when I look in the mirror and I see no difference because and someone if who hadn't seen me in about 4 years can't tell the difference either then what does that really say?