What's The Point Again?



Well the past few days have been all over the place and my anxiety seems to keep shooting to the extreme. Yesterday I actually got in to see my psychiatrist, if you've been keeping track you know impromptu cancellations are something I pretty I have to expect. Luckily there were no last minute surprises. To get straight to the point, my psychiatrist thinks I should consider an out patient program, I forget all of the things they entail it would likely be similar to the behavioral  health pavilion, I will not follow up on that. In other news she also increased my antidepressant (Prozac), I'd be lying if I said I didn't see this coming, yet I was still disappointed. It turns out that when they increased my ADHD medication  few months back the pharmacy made an error and put on the bottle that it needed to be taken before bed, which I was quite upset my psychiatrist didn't tell me about as it's quite a change from in the morning, but I just went with it, but it was in fact an error, and was mislabeled so I was taking it wrong. Nice.

Planet Fitness. So I finally talked to my mom about the Planet Fitness thing, about maybe trading in the Hulu in for the membership. Truth is though only my mom uses the Hulu and she actually uses it so I felt bad about asking, I didn't want to ask to begin with anyways. She actually agreed, reluctantly,  and all seemed well and good until I called planet fitness (because I wanted to be sure). I knew of the two memberships the 10$ and 20$ Plan, but I better know all the facts so I figured I better call ahead. During the call I learned the 10$ plan required a 44.99 down payment and with tax it would be 55.47 and for some reason to start the 20$ plan it was only 17$ (Of course then regularly it would be 20) so mom tells me she's not sure she'll be able to do that, I inform her it's okay soon as they mentioned the down payment I pretty much gave up on it. I think when my friend got his earlier this year since it was a grand-opening and they were having some special deal where he didn't have to pay the down payment. It shouldn't be so much of an issue but someone has a casino habit that has lead to very tight financial situations, I've only referenced this  (the casino)once, last year, shortly after my grandmother died last year. It's an issue

What it's oddly done is made me look at the picture of things. I don't think people in my life really care that I'm trying to lose weight, when I asked my about the membership (this took place over a series of days) she at one point asked me "would you even go to the gym?" Truly I was confused by this, I mean she's seen me leave many times to go with Nick to the gym, she's heard me talk about how I dislike being on his schedule, or at least I speak... Whether or not what I say is heard is a whole different thing. Chips are my enemy but they keep making there way in the house, I've gotten really good at managing them and resisting them in general, sometimes several bags come and go without me having had any. When I weigh-in I also feel like whenever the results my moms reactions are always disingenuous.

Another thing that's been on the back of my mind is that my brother never actually commented on my weight loss, at one point I told him the actual numbers (I believe Memorial Day) and he said something like "oh, wow yeah you have lost a lot" I the only reason I gave him the numbers was because he was going on about nutrition and water and he was speaking to me like I did not have an idea about these  things (like hello!). It reinforced  feelings when I look in the mirror and I see no difference because and someone if who hadn't seen me in about 4 years can't tell the difference either then what does that really say?


Comments

  1. Brandon, I would encourage you to reconsider the idea of an out-patient program. It will give structure to your day and help you progress and move forward. Medication and therapy might not be enough.

    I feel bad for your mom to have to give up her hulu. Maybe wait until Planet Fitness runs one of those specials where they waive the down payment fee. Is there any way you could pick up odd type jobs just to earn enough? You're good with your nephews so maybe babysitting. Since you've watched your friends dog before, you could probably find work as a pet sitter or dog walker.

    Try not to let it get you down that your brother didn't say much about the weight loss. As you continue to lose, people will get used to seeing you smaller. I lost 150 lbs and actually got very few comments. It's been ten years and no one but me remembers that I was obese! Most people are just really focused on their own issues.

    I hope you have a good weekend Brandon. Got any special plans?

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  2. I'm sorry for not replying to this sooner, it was marked as spam for some reason so I didn't see it. That wasn't the first time my psychiatrist brought that up. I'm so worried it might slow me down or distract from the weightloss which is pretty irrational. I'm slowly opening my mind to it though.

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