Brandon!



[Wednesday] I had my walk again in the morning, I took my camera, but my anxiety was high before I even arrived there,  once I was there I just wasn't in the mood to take pictures. There were track team runners along the walk toward the end which triggered more anxiety and issues with my body dysmorphia, but I won't go into that.

I had therapy, and that went well but had a lot of catching up todo. I felt rather exhausted after the session though. It was my friend Melissa's birthday so I decided to spend the day with her and Nick. It was supposed to be a mellow occasion, but it quickly proved otherwise. I rode with Melissa to get impromptu cupcakes, things had been tense, she was already upset because Nick had worked later than he was supposed to and when he arrived home he was in the car for 10 minutes on the phone with work, and when he finally came in he was still on the phone with work and didn't acknowledge her, and remained talking on the phone for X amount of time.

So we decided to go get dinner (without Nick), but stopped for the cupcakes along the way. While we were walking into the store someone yelled Brandon! And I stopped and walked back a bit and scanned the area searching for where that voice came from. I noticed someone in a black car, they were looking at me (a woman I think) and talking to someone next to them who I could not make out, as they looked at me I was almost sure they were the ones that had yelled my name, but the way this person was looking at me and back at this other person was as if perhaps they weren't sure if it was me,  I was waiting to be called again but decided that I didn't recognize that persons face anyways so me and Melissa kept walking.

When I finally got into the store I was hit with waves of anxiety I couldn't figure out who it was that would just call my name to just confirm it was me, or why, and more importantly I hate being recognized, absolutely hate it! I had so much anxiety in the store that Melissa offered to just pick me up at the entrance upon our exit, I first accepted, but then decided to brave the walk back to the car.

We decided on KFC  for dinner (it's in the air Natalie), it was her birthday and I decided I wasn't going to make a big deal about what I was eating, plus with what was going on with her and Nick and what was sure to come. I got a 3-piece chicken tender meal with wedges and a biscuit and gave them my drink. I later had a cupcake. Later Melissa did a FaceTime with her sister which trigger anxiety when at one point Melissa started moving the iPad in some way to show her sister something. The whole time I just kept thinking  just don't show me on that thing. So before I could have a complete nervous breakdown I decided to take Belle for a walk.

I ended getting myself into another situation when I ended up a block away, trying specifically to avoid all human beings and I walk into a pack of children, because I had to walk towards them to avoid the group walking in the opposite direction. At the time the kids were all distracted playing as I passed but one kid said hey, which somehow bothered me I know kids can have no filter which is why I didn't want this entire pack to assemble, I kept on. I let belle rest a bit, the group from the opposite direction were right behind now. If there were a time for my mutant powers of invisibility to kick in , it was now, but nope. I was still there. They  past said their hellos, one commented about Belle being a Beagle I confirmed, allowed them to pet her and they continued ahead of us. Then I walked to the end of the block and realized I didn't know the rest of the area. So I had to go back, past the park... This time the pack had moved to the sidewalk I had to go through them, I could not avoid them whatsoever, truly my absolute nightmare. I continued walking as if  I walking towards a pack of starving hyenas. When I finally approached the pack they all wanted to pet Belle and were asking all kinds of questions about her, which I allowed, and did my best to answer. Suddenly they transformed from hyenas to regular kids. I didn't seem to be on the radar at all (truly this had to be a first, or maybe it was Belle of the ball).

That was the jest of my day, but earlier Melissa told me she works with a cousin of mine, which immediately gave me anxiety someone named Keisha, I've never known anyone by that name. How she came find out I was related to her is sketchy, had something todo with before she went on the vacation and mentioning Dogsitting, or something and she said she mentioned her friend from soandso and the later randomly shot out a last name (the girl she worked with), mine of course and so yeah. She said she used to hang out with my brother (didn't specify which) that it's been a long time since she's seen me. She described me as  quiet. Which bothers me a great deal, why try describing me? I can't imagine what instance she based that off of. Ugh. I also wonder if maybe the real way I came up if is if maybe Melissa was scrolling through her phone showing pictures of her dog or Nick and there was a picture of me. Which I just loathe the idea of someone seeing a picture of me which might seem odd considering that I have pictures on this blog and and that Instagram but it's different!

Anyways, that was my day.

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