Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Really it should come as both little , and quite the surprise that I've been looking into weightloss surgery again . I've been strongly opposed for years and my opinion has only slightly altered. Because of my gaining woes, because of the feeling that I've run out of time and that I've wasted so much already. I feel like I need to give it more consideration. It won't solve my problem with emotional eating or binging. Or my still not quite right connection with food. The idea of giving up or even taking extended-required breaks from my favorite foods is challenging. I never want to not be able to eat a whole pizza, I never not want to be able to binge. These are the tools to my survival, incredibly unhealthy tools. Part of me is afraid to give them up, perhaps they are they last part of myself I can actually identify. I'm already a disaster story, a precautionary tale. The guy that lost so much weight and then gained it back. What if I became one of those st...

Yesterday in php it was a little intense. One of my favorites was leaving since it was valentines day the theme of topics was self love. My most hated subject. At one point we had to list some things people have referred to us by, positive things. One of the things I listed was inspiring, because "when I was losing weight some people online said that." That opened up a can of worms. I was prompted again about how I started losing and why I couldn't start again like I did originally. I told them It was about being at my lowest low, and about how I still had this desire, this dream of a life after weightloss. What things would be like for a thin me was a motivation.  The difference in current  me is that I don't have the desire, the thrill of being thin someday is gone and the bad part is I know that if I reach a certain level of regain, I'm checking out. And part of me wants to check out. There's a large part of me that has given up on life. The presen...

I know everything I need to know, that there is to know about nutrition. Lack of knowledge isn't my problem, I know what and when I'm doing wrong and continue anyways. In 2017 in the first half of the year before summer I reached a peak low weight of 320 , actually, 318, but I round up in this case because I hit 318 once and 320 multiple times. That was likely the true low anyways. So yeah 320. My dwindling reader base may remember that every time I got this low I shot up 5-15lbs, then got back down and repeated. There was clearly something psychosomatic about my inability to go any lower. Something within did not want me to continue to get lower, but why? Was I afraid of the realities of things? Maybe I was right, maybe everything would change and my social bubble would explode and I'd be involved in more endeavors and doing more. Maybe that meant I was scared that I wouldn't know who I was going to become, that the person I knew would be erased and maybe peop...

Dreams. I've been having dreams in which I'm running from something. A thing, or situations. I'm running from zombies in a peri-apocalyptic world.  I'm in a large city in traffic and a nuclear bomb is minutes from today touch down so the entire city is trying to escape to underground. Things become a fight to survive from the other people afterwards! Another, I'm running from my life from suspicious strangers out to do me harm. Trying to get away from gangsters. Trying to outrun vicious Grisly Bears that are unworldly smart. Or most recently trying to outrun a massive pack of hyenas. Most of these dreams have something in common. I'm running  in fear for my life, and I'm often simultaneously in search of my friends. Friends I've actually never met. In the hyena dream I knew I needed to make it closer to my friends in order to be safe from the hyenas. When I made it to my friends they were people I never met before, its been like this in every dream...

If you follow me on Instagram you're probably aware I entered a partial hospitalization program sometime in January. If you don't, now you do. If you've followed this blog long enough you know I was fully hospitalized twice most, recent being 2016, after which I was told I should enter this program, I refused. Suicidal ideation had increased quite a bit leading up to January and so I reluctantly decided I'd give the program a try as a last ditch effort to try to prevent what I felt was the inevitable. Last year at the beginning of the year I set some goals and failed them all. I recently turned 31, and honestly anytime I think about my age I  sink.  My weight is up, way up, in back into the mid 400s, yes it's that bad. And I've just been floating by. In 2016 I started following a woman, she mostly posted about her family but she was trying to lose weight initially. I enjoyed seeing updates about her kids who were in their late teens, nearing graduation....

I'm binging worse than ever. It feels like without food I'm nothing. Like I'm meaningless. Food is the only thing that gives me purpose. If I remove that, there is nothing left. This is part why I'm binging. Because I know my life has been wasted, I know I missed out on so much and now I'm 30, going on 31 and I've accomplished nothing. I'm a background character in everyone's life, even my own. Everyone else is living. But I'm only living when I'm eating and then wishing I wasn't after. It can only go on for so long.

My weight has shot up to 423. I'm officially fallen from grace I've officially gained 100lbs. At the time of this writing this is a weight gain story. I'm the guy who lost some but then gained it all back. I've always been pretty unfiltered on this blog, unlike on Instagram where I just don't feel I can or should be. That being said, I've been suicidal lately, lots of existential thinking with poor results. My psychiatrist who I seen today (12/14/18) wants me to do a partial hospitalization.  I'm not onboard. I'm not actively thinking of killing myself but I just know and feel it's eventually going to happen, like it's fate. It's just a gut feeling. In the rare times I'm enjoying a moment I'll l be ripped out of it because I'll remind myself that I won't be here in the end so what's the point of even enjoying this? (whatever this is at that moment). Almost like I have no control over what's going to happen. ...

Wasn't I?

I'm blogging because I feel like I need to express some things I can't do on Instagram. The only other platform I cover my weight loss. I don't feel well emotionally. I've been binging daily the past couple weeks. I'm not sure about my place in this world. Or maybe I do and that's the problem, I've told my therapist and psychiatrist that I believe I'm going to die by suicide, this was during a particularly good period I was having. earlier this year, yet the feeling was and is still there, I feel like no matter how much better I get one day I'm just going to be that person that suddenly does it. No one will see it coming because things will have seemed to turn around, but I don't know if they truly turn around at all. Every time I hear about suicide I sink a bit. They did it. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't done it already in comparison to some of the people that have, people who had far more to live for. My whole purpose in life ...

Today was/is my birthday, I've turned the age I've been dreading since I started this blog. Don't think it, don't say it, aside from therapy I haven't mentioned a word about my birthday, still it was a bit distressing to realize my mom forgot. I woke up walked right past her to the kitchen, made breakfast, and went on. It wasn't until my grandmother called to sing me happy birthday, which genuinely filled me with joy , that my mom realized it was my birthday. Still she didn't say anything until I later came to refill my water bottle, and she simply admitted she forgot, and didn't realize until she heard grandma singing on the phone. None of my friends remembered either. At first I was fine, but then I started to really analyze the situation. I'm 30 and I haven't accomplished a thing, and I'm still obese, and I don't really matter to anyone. I really have never felt so alone in my life. I wished I was thin and dating someone because it w...

I've decided to remove ads from my  blog indefinitely after coming across one that immediately caught my eye, after clicking it I discovered it asked users to download something, and well I put on the breaks there and did some research. Discovered what I suspected all along. I hope none of you downloaded anything from any of those ads

Its been a good week. the week before week resulted in several old Brandon remissions.  Come Monday I told myself I was done, and since then I've been exercising everyday, staying below my calorie goal, no binging and no trigger food. It feels good to be back in the swing of things. My psychiatrist asked me how I was able to just snap to it like that, having just binged that Sunday. Today I went to the store, I grabbed a box of my trigger snack cakes, stood their for a minute, then put them back. Effortlessly. That's really significant because I've been explaining to my therapist, psychiatrist, and dietitian how when I'm in the store I have this severe internal conflict. I know I'll regret buying my binge food and will even feel guilty walking up to get it, but I'll also have this unreasonable fear of missing out, as if I'll never have the chance to eat that again. Today that was not an issue. I'm not sure how many of you follow my Instagram but if ...