Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Due to a miss calculation. The liquid diet started a day late 

Less than an hour before I begin my liquid diet. I’m not particularly confident at the moment but it’s 2020, it’s better to not be too sure of things.

Everything 

  Tis that time of the year again, Holidays, food, misery. Ive got a bit more on my plate right now and I just haven't come to a conclusion on what todo with it. Im starting a radical new diet plan soon that could either stand by itself or possibly transition into something much much bigger. Ive gone back and fourth on this many times, but Ill just have to see what happens when it starts, which Ive decided the mandatory start date is the 15th of December, not too far away.    In other news my weight is up. 526 currently. This is an all time high for the year. Ive just thrown caution to the wind, and have eaten like Ill never eat again... everyday. Im in full on disaster mode, Im in dangerous territory and I know it. If this next attempt fails, its game over, Ill sky-rocket to 600lbs and will totally have given up and will either wait to succumb to obesity or myself. So I guess you could say the next round is all or nothing.   More frequent updates to com...

So much self sabotage. So much clinging to comfort that isn’t really comfort. How do you change your view of yourself that was built over 20 years ago. Views that were projected onto you and internalized. It’s seems impossible.  I once lost hundreds of pounds, so dedicated and determined to reach the pot of happiness at the end of the weight loss rainbow. I’ve regained it back and have changed, seemingly unable to find that blind dedication again. I once believed I would only be happy once I was thin (180lbs). I still believe that, but the difference from then and now is that I don’t have any hope of reaching 180, I stopped believing it was possible so my drive is never really there. I don’t want to see me succeed, I don’t want to see myself happy. And I don’t want to see myself trying. That leaves me that disjointed comfort, eating to pass the time, eating because I ate so much earlier, eating because I’m sad.  My psychiatrist recently wanted me to do an psychiatric  inp...

I see how I’ve failed. My week has started off horribly. But it’s because of all or nothing thinking. In the end it leads to sabotage. Oh I only lost half an lb!? Screw it, you can’t do this anymore, you’ll never achieve what you achieved from before. And so I start eating recklessly.  I’ve been saying for awhile now how my past success haunts me, but it’s been haunting me differently lately. I used to focus on the weight lost, the clothes I could wear. However lately I’m haunted by the recognition I used to get. The high praise, people telling me I was making them proud, inspiring them, motivating them. That’s all gone now, back then I concluded that these compliments weren’t genuine, but a small part of me liked it. I’ve never made anyone proud like that, I had never really been recognized for anything. I miss it. Weight loss was the one thing going for me, and I blew it.  I’m insignificant again, so sorry for letting everyone down.

Just going to try to move past the last 5 days.

Things have been frustrating. After weeks of being in a caloric deficit I wasn’t getting results. In fact I was yoyoing in the same 4-7lb range. All this while walking daily. This past week as been an off week. I was dog-sitting for friends so I didn’t go walking at the park and my eating wasn’t terrible but it wasn’t great. I did go over my calorie limit by 800 calories one day. My sodium intake the past week has probably been outlandish. I do plan on resuming my walking now that I’m home, but scaled a bit back because I’m going to start doing my 5mile multi muscle indoor walk dvd again. I’m going to attempt 5 small meals a day and see what that yields. In other developments I’ve restarted the process of getting weight loss surgery. I apparently don’t need to redo the entire process. Which was a shock to me, I just have to redo some preliminary appointments and I could be good to go. I meet with my surgeon again next month and we’ll go from there

Postponed until Monday. Less than 24 hours away

Tomorrow Ill be starting a liquid diet. Protein shakes 2-3 times a day. This is sort of a preliminary run for what I'd need to do for weight loss surgery. The truth is Id like to do the weight loss surgery diet without the surgery part, if I can do it with the protein powder I have  this week then Ill give it a 30+ day run. The real goal would be 2-3 months. But that is jumping ahead. It will depends on how this next week goes.