Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Laying in my bed then suddenly I recognize a familiar tune. Its none other than the ice cream truck. I think "at this time of the year?" "In this weather?" and then I remember its almost june, then I look out my window and see that its very nice weather. I've been in my room so much, boxed in my four walls of solitude and comfort, that I lose grasp that there is an outside world. Living is happening out there, something I may never truly experience. About a month ago I got a random call from a friend, we chatted for awhile about all kinds of silly things. It was nice. He eventually started telling me about another friend of his, V, they've been friends since before we met. He tells me V has basically given up on life, plays MMO games all day, rarely leaves the house, has incredibly poor hygiene, accepts he'll be alone forever, no career prospects, no significant other, nothing. And he doesn't care anymore. He is in his mid 40s. I couldn't help bu...

Two days out from quitting that medication and I already feel about 5x more in control. Today I didn’t  stick entirely to the plan but I did really good in comparison. I did have some oatmeal cookies, I did have some ice cream, but we didnt go overboard. The goal is still to aovid these things but I’m happy with my outcome. I ended my day with a mass of 1,760 calories, out of 3,150. A tremendous improvement. The effect that medication had on me is honestly alarming, and scary, but its gone now, never to return, at least not while my weight is still an issue. Things could change in 150lbs, or not, time will tell.

Ok. Another bad day in the bag, fine. Yes, I ate like a black hole, sucking down everything in its path into oblivion, but all hope isnt lost... for the future. I have to stop listening to the addict in me, the addiction, stop letting it win. Ive been letting it control my life the past several weeks but moreso in the last 7 days. Its like the food is calling to me, but this isnt just a sudden occurance, their is a source, my new mediciation Vraylar is the direct culprit here. I decided on my own to stop taking it, hopefully within a few days it will be completely out my system, or atleast enough so that it doesnt hijack my appetite. HERES THE PLAN We've already stopped the medication, check Abstain from sugar for 7 days, I fear these last few weeks have reawakened the beast of food addiction, in particular, sugar. To off set this I plan to abstain from all sugar for 7 days. A sugar detox if you will Water, drink at least 40oz of water a day. 2, set the notifications of my water-lo...

And with the snap of my fingers, all the food was gone. Today was the worse day yet. After starting off strong by walking this morning, I promptly effed it up by eating an entire pack of Oreos, and row of oatmeal cookies with milk. Later, I had leftovers, that sesame chicken dish from a few days ago, topped off with two strawberry cheesecake ice cream sandwiches. I just felt like I could keep going and going.  Tomorrow I’m taking control, this has gotten out of hand, I’m building my ship to wreck all over again. I must advert the path I’m on, or I will balloon back up to 600lbs for a 3rd, possibly final time. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Another Thanos snap to make it right

Him 😞❤️‍🩹 Oops… I did it again. I’ve become infatuated with a straight friend. He’s so good looking and talented and smart, and driven and cool and outgoing and, and, and… I’m stuck on this imaginary  scenario where he professes his love for me and we ride off into the sunset. He is quite literally way out of my league, and more importantly, he is straight. But even if he wasn’t I wouldn’t stand a chance in this current form. It’s a hopeless predicament, nothing can and will ever come of it, I can only hope I eventually get past it. It just sucks, wanting something, someone you can never have. He is a good friend and I’d never jeopardize it by being incredibly dumb enough to come clean about this, but it really effects my mental health at times. I don’t know if it’s me or the BPD, that has me obsessing over this. Either way, it’s just another rough, lonely road I travel. Me 🤡

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There goes gravity, bringing me down, there goes gravity slowing me down. Reach for the stars but nothing is there, they’re all gone, space is bare. The infinite pool of nothingness seems so meaningless, seamlessly drifting aimlessly, into dark abyss 

Today was one of the better days I've had in the past week. I did have some cookies, perhaps over indulged but I did pretty good overall. Today I entered a bit of a rut thinking about some things.  Belonging, and where Im at. As a wee lad I used to watch the tv show Friends. I loved the sense of community amongst the friends, trusting one another, going to each other with their problems, hanging out, just  relating and vibing. Ive always wanted that, and hoped some day Id have that as an adult. I do have some nice friends, but its not like the tv shows, its not like the movies. People dont want to hear about your depression, they just want it to go away and the moment you stop bringing it up they assume its gone, you're cured. I dont know how many times Ive been talking about something only to discover the person I was talking to wasnt actully listening, Ive actually outright stopped talking mid sentence when I noticed, and they never noticed I stopped, because they tuned out ...

Yesterday was as title says, a mixed bag. The day got away from me pretty quick. Today was another bad day. I ate 12 pancakes, loaded with syrup and followed up with a bowl of cereal, yikers. Dinner was much more tame. Homemade sesame chicken, steamed veggies and rice and two egg rolls. Did not track It seems the big issue is morning. Once morning has past I’m good, but when I first wake up it’s like eat-eat-eat-eat. I’m switching taking to taking the new medication specifically, at night. To see how this affects things

Today has fared better, tho not by a lot. I over did it on bread, 9 slices to make a total of 6 sandwiches. I also had beanie weenies with flaming hot Cheetos and mashed potatoes. Followed up with a little chips n dip. Hmm maybe today didn’t fare better 5k + calories. A worse day in fact. Tomorrow will be the final day of the week, we’ll see how that goes 

Recent medication changes have resulted in my appetite or hunger drive becoming everlasting. I gained 15lbs in 4 weeks. Im currently watching things closely over the next few days. Prior to these changes I was steady losing. Got back down to 500, but have since went up. Its unfortunate how a medication I need and works well for its intended purpose, inckudes this side effect that ultimately voids the benefits because gain will eventually set me back mental health wise. Today I ate: TwO rows of oatmeal cookies, a breakfast sausage croissant sandwhich, tuna nachos (tuna, tortillas chip, salsa, shredded cheese, sour cream) club sub sandwhich, large chocolate chunk cookie. 3k+ calories.

My hair has become matted, locked, and dreaded from no brushing or combing for 6 months… Another year has come and gone, and I am no closer to the goal. In fact probably further from it than I’ve e er been since starting this blog. It’s been a long time now. Visitorship has plummeted, no one is interested in my journey anymore, in me. I suppose in the beginning it was a lot easier, sure I was depressed and pathetic, but I was still losing. What now? I’ve gained it all back and I’m more depressed and pathetic than ever, apparently this isn’t very appealing. Can’t say I blame anyone for losing interest. Mental health has been an ongoing battle I’ve been waging. Losing most times, winning sometimes. I’m 34 now. So much time lost and nothing to show. So many hours, days, weeks, months and years of battling against myself. So many opportunities left blowing in the wind. Now what? And now what!?