The Week Ends

Yesterday my  appointment with the podiatrist went great, my doctor is very nice. We took some X Rays, and once my insurance approves it, he is going to make custom orthotics for my feet. It's the primary method for battling my plantar, and may even help with my knee pain (strictly my assumption). Yesterday was another stellar meal day. Of my suggested 3,610 a day calorie in take I ate  2,289 (too many for my liking), which left me with 1,321 to spare (far too little for my liking). The ball was dropped a bit with my sodium in take though. So for breakfast I had a bowl of cereal, and I fasted till dinner, I had two Spam (this is where the sodium came from) sandwiches and chips.

Yesterday while waiting in the doctors office I experienced what I can only describe as a depressive episode. I was fine for a while, then it just hit me, I felt ugly and hideous, I felt like life was over, like giving up, hopeless, ashamed, my anxiety was high, I was temporarily overwhelmed with feelings of worthlessness and dread, all I could do is look out the window in silence. What is interesting was that I became aware of how low I suddenly become, I recognized I had sunken and made sure to make a mental note of it. It lasted less than 10 minutes, but I'd rather it never had happened at all!

Still can't wait to be thinner, to be normal. To look and feel normal. I want it so bad. I know I'm working towards it and making progress, but sometimes it really does seem hopeless. I'm over 500 pounds, I have so far to go. I often don't want to live another day in this body. Enough self-loathing!

Today I'll be babysitting my nephew for a few hours, I'll be doing laundry and watching movies. I also need to make an appointment with a dermatologist.


  1. Hmmm. Almost like a reverse panic attack. That's interesting that it happened and then ended! Ending is good!

  2. If this was a race, I would feel very confident in putting my money on Brandon to win!

  3. That kind of anxiety feels really bad, I understand. Glad it passed.


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