A Year Like This Passes So Strangely

So many ups and downs, I came in to the year on rather poor circumstances, I didn't have great hopes for the year leading up to it from last year, this year has been a shape-shifter. There has been some highs and quite so many lows, there has been some personal growth, and weight loss. I wasn't as successfully as the year before in terms of total numbers lost over the same span of time. A lot happened this year, my brothers were released from  incarceration (which had been something I had anxiety about since early last year), they have actually been the right path and working hard.

I came out of the closet. I've been checking in on my father. My friends Nick and Melissa just found out they're pregnant! This year  has passed in a rapid-slow way. It's passed by in an extremely fast way in general too, but on the weight loss perspective it seems things seem longer, (whenever you gain weight, or maintain). If I think of all the weeks I gained or maintained  this year and added them up that would be around 8 (or more). 8 weeks I can't get back, and X amount of LBs  I could weigh less. Now I realize how fast the year has gone because I know there is no chance of exiting the 300s before the new year because it's literally next month.

I reconnected with music this year, after essentially disconnecting with everything to a certain extent last year. That's been a big help. Joined a gym, spoke up for myself to a random rude lady, quit reading that book I started last year, started exploring books on spirituality and inner-piece, quit exploring aforementioned books on spirituality and inner peace, started using my Instagram, deleted my Facebook (and this is the longest amount of time I've kept it deleted), I went to an family cookout which typically I avoid, I had my bouts with suicidal urges, extreme hopelessness, and  bizarre strings of optimism. It's all happened this year.

Every month seemed to have brought its own little saga with it. So here we are at nearly the end of the road for the year. It's an odd feelin, feeling like a lot has happened but that I haven't done much, it's odd getting into shirts many, many sizes smaller than I was ever wearing a year ago and still sort of wondering "but can they tell" because I'm not always sure, I'm not often sure (frankly, I'm not sure if I'm ever sure). Going from a 10x shirt to a 4x is pretty significant, it feels a lot less significant when I look at pictures. The other day (earlier in the month) I added someone who I worked with from target to my Instagram. This was the first person from my personal life I added, she left a really nice comment on one of my progress pictures and I thank her. In my head I still sometimes wonder if the difference in pictures is that noticeable, even before I post a progress picture regardless of how sound it may look I go through serious deliberation as to whether or not I should actually post it or not, because I'm not 100%. A little bit of doubt goes an incredibly far way with me.

I haven't looked forward to an upcoming year in quite sometime. This is also the first time in awhile where I feel quite indifferent. At the moment I haven't gotten any pre-anxiety like I normally would, there isn't a sense of good or bad yet. It's a strange year ending is all, and it's passed in slow motion and hyper speed all at once somehow.


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