The Journal

11/6

The  Quiet

The familiar sound of no one else being around, just me and my many thoughts to circle around, the would've, could've, should'ves , then the daydreams where it seems I'm living some other life

I'm thin, I'm smiling, I'm wearing cloths and shoes that suit my personality. There are new friends in my life who I seem very comfortable being myself around. Anxiety seems to be a thing of the past. I'm funny and entertaining. Life is so incredibly different because of making it to the goal weight.

These are pretty powerful daydreams I have on occasions, they tear me apart sometimes. You just don't want to return from something like that. There was a lot of quiet in between things this year.

11/7

They Don't Get Me

The other day I found myself explaining something to a friend realizing halfway through that I wasn't being listened to, they where hearing things come out of my mouth, but they were so disengage from whatever I was saying that my words were just noise. I've taken note to this so many times this year, and it really, really bugs me. I'll often just stop mid-sentence when I notice they are overtly occupied with something else suddenly (usually this isn't noticed, just another mental picture for me to have to burn).

Where Is My Passion

Another day of show and tell. Me listening to my brother go on and on about his job in welding, sliding through pictures on his iphone of the various projects he completed and has worked on. Each having its own unique back story that he tells with such pride and joy I couldn't help but smile I like seeing and hearing my brother being this passionate about his job. It however makes me feel so empty. He has a great relationship with his coworkers, they love him, they are like a family, a small team of six, he shows me pictures and videos of them hanging out off the clock, one in particular was one 23 year old guy who's already done a run in the army, and is going to pursue something else in the military later, and has a "bright future." 

That really got me feeling hallow and thinking. I can be passionate and I've been passionate in the past, but I'm not passionate about anything truly right now.  

11/12

Still Just A Fat Kid

 I was bringing in groceries from the car when a passing family came walking by, a mother and her kids. As they were walking  one of the kids say "that kid is fat" looking at me, his mom says don't worry about it and they just keep going, as I turn around to head in I see them and she's looking at me with a guilty look on her face, it read so many things actually, I just made my way inside reliving the countless times this has happened in grocery stores and how crushing it felt back then. This wasn't  as devastating, but even more defeating.   

I'm struggling with body image issues quite badly lately, I still see that number on the scale, I see the double chin, the rolls, the arm flab. it's worse than any part of the year because as I see I went from this number to this smaller number, I'm still huge, I'm only a less huge version of myself and that isn't what I've been aiming for. I wantt to no longer be huge. I want to be thin. When I look at old candids of me I struggle to see the difference. I'm not really in transformation territory yet. 

Also, that kid calling me a kid, what the heck? I don't at all look like a kid, granted the pajamas bottoms I was wearing weren't screaming adult, but truly those were a non-factor. Im back at it again with the ambiguity I see, people can't tell if I'm a guy or a girl, that I'm in my teens despite being well into my 20s, and now they simply can't tell if I'm kid, or adult. someday I'll look back on these and laugh, but for now they'll remain  awful, awful memories. 

11/20

Dark Haze Hideaway

The dark haze is really the best way to describe my mental state lately, which is to say I've completely done a 180. I lost my place, not that I was ever sure of where I was to begin with. When the dark haze is in its fullest thickest effect I basically become a hermit, I stay in my room, I sleep, I eat little and I weigh the pros of life-termination. My self-esteem has been at an all time low, which is remarkable because it wasn't particularly high before. I've been in a whirlwind of  " is this whole journey over, I'm not going through this another year, I'm not spending another year of my life feeling like this!" How did I get here from trying to love myself not too long ago? I've been rather isolated lately, I've been going to therapy, but not talking or hanging with friends much.

11/21

Some thing's Never Change 


As I think and reflect as November draws closer to its end. I realize for as much as I the numbers have changed on the scale. For as many of the eating habits have transformed, some thing's perhaps haven't. I found myself thinking of tomorrow's breakfast with high anticipation, there is nothing special about it. It will be quite ordinary it will be either oatmeal or cereal, with a toaster pastry.  I find that I look forward to breakfast a lot, I would say this is the most exciting part of my day. This is an issue.

For as far as I've gotten a meal is still the most exciting part of my day. I look forward to it  the night before, and wake up with it on my mind. It seems the only element that differs from before are the impulsive binging. If I were ever to connect food again with emotion and mood, it would be truly disastrous.

11/24

Balloon

I'm  back in the high 50s and I've got a lot of emotional turmoil. The last weigh-in I did here on the blog I got down as low as 354, although I wasn't posting I kept losing getting down to 351. Until this week brought me back up to 356. Makes this week 9 of no progress. I'm struggling with inconsiderate family, my general insecurities and feeling like I'm dropping the ball. I psychically can feel the 5 pound gain, I'm positive. Clothes feel tighter, my already round face, rounder.

7 weeks now I've been in the 350s, and clearly more to come when this could have potentially been the week I exited them.