The Numbers

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DEEP BREATH

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The week started out well and then ended rather bumpy. A  few months back my psychiatrist ordered an ECG because I started Vyvanse a switch from strattera for my ADHD & B.E.D . I dragged my feet about getting it until a few weeks ago. The results, a diagnosis; Sinus tachycardia , non-specfic T wave abnormality, abnormal ECG.  We couldn't go any further up on Vyvanse because of this. I've been ordered to see a cardiologist. This could split into any number of ways. My friend recently gave me her series 2 apple watch, I gave my fitbit to my mom. The apple watch is constantly alerting me of having a high or elevated plus/heart rate, I'm probably going to need to get an a newer one because they have a built in ECG monitor. But of course I cant afford it.  Im stuck in a state of balance, but its getting wobbly, I think I can just turn this around by losing weight, then I think of how far I've fallen. Im back on high blood pressure meds and my heart might be in tr...
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3O

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Today was/is my birthday, I've turned the age I've been dreading since I started this blog. Don't think it, don't say it, aside from therapy I haven't mentioned a word about my birthday, still it was a bit distressing to realize my mom forgot. I woke up walked right past her to the kitchen, made breakfast, and went on. It wasn't until my grandmother called to sing me happy birthday, which genuinely filled me with joy , that my mom realized it was my birthday. Still she didn't say anything until I later came to refill my water bottle, and she simply admitted she forgot, and didn't realize until she heard grandma singing on the phone. None of my friends remembered either. At first I was fine, but then I started to really analyze the situation. I'm 30 and I haven't accomplished a thing, and I'm still obese, and I don't really matter to anyone. I really have never felt so alone in my life. I wished I was thin and dating someone because it w...
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Food Addict. Emotionally Attached

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Food is the center of the universe. Mine, anyways, and that has to change. I've been on a bender. Bingeing daily for the last week wicked-hard. I had already been bingeing prior. I think about the state of the world, often existential thinking leads me to my lowest state-of-being and most severe depression but it happens alot. Because of these thinking's I often feel like there is nothing worth living for. So much evil in the world, so many people set on bringing people down, making others suffer. I think about my weight loss journey, and the motivation comes in comically quick sessions and gone seemingly forever. Future Self/ Ideal Me (remember that?) was what I was reaching for. A much better version of me. The me I envisioned with life not held back by weight and crippling social anxiety. I used to bring this up a lot more in '15 & '16. But now almost never. I often think, you're in your early 30s, you gained all this weight back, the world is...
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