Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I'll be spending my Sunday organizing and switching together my action plan for weightloss  going forward. Did run into a bummer, the wristband replacement I ordered off Amazon was dud. So once again, no smart watch, more bummer, last week watching those heathen dogs I dropped my phone and now the glass where the back cameras are is all cracked up so pictures are sort of ixnay. I could take these as signs to wallow in pity and just tack on another 100 days of binges, but I'm just going to go forward. I didn't have a phone when I first started or a smart watch. That being said I may look into getting some kind of sponsorship this go around. I've seen some people on Instagram with them some people whom have made very little progress but have large followings, which irked me. But yes, Monday will be a very tough turning point as I put whatever I have cooked up.

Ugh doctors are interesting. Sometimes you have to just let them hear themselves talk, or  to insist to you how, or that you're wrong. The guy I seen yesterday insisted on talking to me like I was just any lazy fat person who was clueless about weightloss. I had to remind him  over and over yes I'm on the uptick but I've lost over 200lbs, I know how and what to do. He insisted on saying things like it's as easy as just doing this , just change your bad habits, just replace food with something else just do this, just do that . Just do it, and stop not-doing, it Yeah okay sir, anyways I did get to see my weight for the first time in awhile and it was shocking. Not quite ready to announce that number yet, I feel both compelled to get it down and also overwhelmed by just how high it is. In other news, Ive received a few messages from some of the people still in the php program.  Most recently, just yesterday said that it sux without me, I feel so conflicted by...

It's midweek. I've found myself questioning why I've taken on the task of doggsitting like I do every time. This time I'm just annoyed by things. They have a clear and abundant ant 🐜 problem, that means drop anything and you're swarmed. Not just that but they are just everywhere in general, littering the floor in the the kitchen, both bathes and are just everywhere. I'm so irritated by it. I won't be dealing with this again, I don't do bugs! I'm going to stop there about the pooch sitting cause this would just be one l ong post about every issue that's gotten under my skin. I have a doctors appointment today, it's looking into the weightloss surgery. There have been no decisions and won't be one, I'm just exploring. In other news that's a bit motivating, I have replaced the band for my smart watch, so there is that. So now once I begin lining things up, the dominoes will fall more easily. Having a smart and/or fit watch dur...

I'm dog-sitting until Friday . I'm feeling a bit 7more like myself someone I'd like to be . I'm laughing a hit more, joking a bit more. Just feeling a lot more okay. I do find myself having moments of sudden bouts of dread. Just feelings of "it'll all end up the same" "I'm still this" "I'm still that" and I have to immediately rethink. Not let myself stay there, not let myself entertain the thoughts. I'm still not eating right but I'm planning to put a close to my bad chapter by weeks end officially and begin getting back on track. Exercise, tracking the works.

Yesterday was amazing. I never got so many hugs. I felt like Beyonce for a day. I was sent off with ice cream. One member made me a poem, another gave me a sketch book and pastels cause she knows I like to draw and I doodled a lot during session, someone selected a song for us to listen to because the night before they heard it on the radio and the song "makes me think of Brandon, cause he makes me smile." the song was September by Earth, Wind & Fire . It's such a upbeat song and so infectious, I was so touched. We were all dancing in the room whilst having discussions about confrontational wordage that instantly makes people defensive, even if you're rightly  addressing something wrong they did. I.E y ou always ... Or you didn't , You statements makes people defensive and tune out. But "I" makes things more neutral ground. I feel like you didn't listen to me ...." I'm not sure why I've added all that. back on topic,  3 people to...

Today will be my last day in the partial hospitalization program. I actually really enjoyed the program and met some truly amazing people, people with incredible stories. A newer person's story just recently touched me, shes been through hell and back. It's hard to digest that I've met someone in real life with such an absolutely horrifying story. I will miss the program but I think the other members will actually take my leaving harder, which is odd and kind of flattering. Somehow I've managed to touch all 10 people that have come along in total to the program. I hope they all can recover and live healthy happy lives, truly. I wish people didn't need programs like this, I wish people didn't get suicidal, and morbidly depressed. So today will be my last day and what's next I don't know. I feel like I've learned some things this past week though, some crucial things, thanks to php, and therapy. These people have kind of cracked me a bit and help...

I was so close, but in the end it doesn't even matter. I'm starting to get a bit more anxious about being out and about again. I see people staring at me again, a lot. Someone partially widened their eyes the other day when they seen me, and then tried playing it off as if that was just their face. My plantar fasciitis acting up again, I've ripped pants beyond repair. There are oddly still people rooting for me.

Yesterday I was on the borderline of having nervous breakdown in the morning.I think partially that is due to the fact that two days  I started a new dosage of one of my depression medications. But I took it wrong, I was going to switch from  80mg to 120mg but accidentally took 200, so I took both. The the day after I took literally 0 medications, so yesterday I was feeling erratic. I literally wanted to die at times, I was emotional, crying, felt like my skin was crawling like I had to move. Then finally it moved on after I did take my medication and started listening to a podcast and slept All day. I just kept sleeping and sleeping. I woke up to eat some pizza and went back to bed . Today I'm feeling unsure, I'm kind of feeling  like one of those former sports players who's lost all their glory.  I don't like to say that  I've lost weight outloud. I'm on my own

Really it should come as both little , and quite the surprise that I've been looking into weightloss surgery again . I've been strongly opposed for years and my opinion has only slightly altered. Because of my gaining woes, because of the feeling that I've run out of time and that I've wasted so much already. I feel like I need to give it more consideration. It won't solve my problem with emotional eating or binging. Or my still not quite right connection with food. The idea of giving up or even taking extended-required breaks from my favorite foods is challenging. I never want to not be able to eat a whole pizza, I never not want to be able to binge. These are the tools to my survival, incredibly unhealthy tools. Part of me is afraid to give them up, perhaps they are they last part of myself I can actually identify. I'm already a disaster story, a precautionary tale. The guy that lost so much weight and then gained it back. What if I became one of those st...

Yesterday in php it was a little intense. One of my favorites was leaving since it was valentines day the theme of topics was self love. My most hated subject. At one point we had to list some things people have referred to us by, positive things. One of the things I listed was inspiring, because "when I was losing weight some people online said that." That opened up a can of worms. I was prompted again about how I started losing and why I couldn't start again like I did originally. I told them It was about being at my lowest low, and about how I still had this desire, this dream of a life after weightloss. What things would be like for a thin me was a motivation.  The difference in current  me is that I don't have the desire, the thrill of being thin someday is gone and the bad part is I know that if I reach a certain level of regain, I'm checking out. And part of me wants to check out. There's a large part of me that has given up on life. The presen...

I know everything I need to know, that there is to know about nutrition. Lack of knowledge isn't my problem, I know what and when I'm doing wrong and continue anyways. In 2017 in the first half of the year before summer I reached a peak low weight of 320 , actually, 318, but I round up in this case because I hit 318 once and 320 multiple times. That was likely the true low anyways. So yeah 320. My dwindling reader base may remember that every time I got this low I shot up 5-15lbs, then got back down and repeated. There was clearly something psychosomatic about my inability to go any lower. Something within did not want me to continue to get lower, but why? Was I afraid of the realities of things? Maybe I was right, maybe everything would change and my social bubble would explode and I'd be involved in more endeavors and doing more. Maybe that meant I was scared that I wouldn't know who I was going to become, that the person I knew would be erased and maybe peop...

Dreams. I've been having dreams in which I'm running from something. A thing, or situations. I'm running from zombies in a peri-apocalyptic world.  I'm in a large city in traffic and a nuclear bomb is minutes from today touch down so the entire city is trying to escape to underground. Things become a fight to survive from the other people afterwards! Another, I'm running from my life from suspicious strangers out to do me harm. Trying to get away from gangsters. Trying to outrun vicious Grisly Bears that are unworldly smart. Or most recently trying to outrun a massive pack of hyenas. Most of these dreams have something in common. I'm running  in fear for my life, and I'm often simultaneously in search of my friends. Friends I've actually never met. In the hyena dream I knew I needed to make it closer to my friends in order to be safe from the hyenas. When I made it to my friends they were people I never met before, its been like this in every dream...