Brandon, Who Lives At Home

So my mom is leaving for North Carolina for a week today. I'll have the house to myself I've already raided ze liquor cabinet and wine cellar, sent out party invites to 3,400 strangers on Facebook set for 12:am Saturday night and I'm having the finest Cuban cigars imported. It's going to be litty! And scene. My mom really is going to NC for a week tho. I'll be all by me ownsome in this haunted Mansion.  Although technically neither haunted nor Mansion, still I may wish I had my own dog (you know, moreso), or at least a furby.

You may have noticed I switched the blogs comment system. The one in use now is one that is very popular and used by most major websites and blogs, actually most might be an overstatement but it is all over. I thought this system would be easier for people to use, plus I was having issues with the old system suddenly not allowing me to comment on mobile. This has seemingly been remedied, however the new system required I change the old interface/layout of the blog which you may have also noticed. It seems the Anonymous option is no longer available? I'm going to see if that can be remedied. Also I did not know there had been a few comments since the switch, blogger would show an indication when I logged in and looked at my post but I guess since they don't actually host them now they don't show any new. I figured out  I have to check the other place. It's not as complicated as I make it seem. But kinda

Picture an American tourist in Mexico who doesn't know a lick of spanish, trying to explain to someone that they have an ear infection, saying the headline. It just came to me. It's not unrelated! I have an ear infection. The first time since I was a toddler. It didn't come accompanied with anything else like they normally do (I'm told) no cough, sore throat, stomach aches, digestive disturbance, none of it. I do however get swimmers ear everytime I shower and this one time last weekend I didn't shake it out my head because I was letting my hair drip dry and it would have effected my curls! In 31 years this is the first time my swimmers ear causes an ear infection?... I dunno. Another possible cause is my friends dogs whom were literally liking me in that ear a week prior. Ah, no way! Sure one of those dogs licks their area a little too often, said unsaid dog also has been known to dine on their own stool , but pfft. In future though I may just prevent the ear ...

Food is the center of the universe. Mine, anyways, and that has to change. I've been on a bender. Bingeing daily for the last week wicked-hard. I had already been bingeing prior. I think about the state of the world, often existential thinking leads me to my lowest state-of-being and most severe depression but it happens alot. Because of these thinking's I often feel like there is nothing worth living for. So much evil in the world, so many people set on bringing people down, making others suffer. I think about my weight loss journey, and the motivation comes in comically quick sessions and gone seemingly forever. Future Self/ Ideal Me (remember that?) was what I was reaching for. A much better version of me. The me I envisioned with life not held back by weight and crippling social anxiety. I used to bring this up a lot more in '15 & '16. But now almost never. I often think, you're in your early 30s, you gained all this weight back, the world is...

Failed already Mom unexpectedly bought me McDonald's for breakfast. Did have the will to turn it away. Maybe tomorrow...

Okay today we have a do over. Fast. Just fast. No food. Easy! .......

Failed. Wanted sugary binge foods, got them . Reese big cups (5) Half dozen glazed donuts Doritos Frozen Pizza

Feel urge to eat. Urge, not need, urge. Food has been on my mind all night. Whether or not I'll stick to the fast, thinking if I should my do my upteeth final hooray meal then begin reset. I've drank 10oz of water. Took my meds for the first time in a full week. Attempting to stay on path

Cleanse via  some sure to be gross  tea my brother has given me Charge my Fitbit that I haven't worn in weeks Charge my headphones.

Is what my neighbors must think about me. I imagine them peaking  me out atchingtheir windows watching me yoyo 20-40lbs every other month. I'm sure for awhile they noticed when I was losing, I wonder what they thought then. Maybe they thought I had surgery, who knows. Everytime I step foot outside my door now I'm very self-conscious, especially when I know I'm heading off to get food. They must think there he goes again. I found my way back to 464lbs after several weeks of just atrocious eating. I only feel alive when I'm over eating. Wish I weren't when I'm finished. I didn't go to therapy this week, I have to see my psychiatrist and therapist next week, although I might again skip therapy yet  be a g ain.  I'll be lying my ass off to the psychiatrist. I'm going to do a cleanse and fast to drop  the water weight so that when I get on that scale it isn't obvious that I said t o hell with it all . Just smile and look functional and no...

I'm In the bad place

Switching to a mostly daily update routine Clean =trigger foods Sober = binges, emotional eating. No food coping It's become clear to me that I need to fill my time. I need to be doing some thing. Get out more. I realize in the last year I've been more isolated and gotten out fewer than any time since 2015. Some of that has Todo with social anxi ety but a bigger be part has to do with perhaps the  shitty things I've exp erienced in the public in the last year. My great aunt stopping me in a busy store and letting me know how basically unrec ognizably fatter I've gotten. I had that incident with that random woman at my therapist  office where she less than subtly   inspected me and turned and asked the reception i st if I was a guy or girl . I had that incident with the laughing kids, the increased stares at the store and most recen tly that outlet mall incident  witha friend a few months ago. No one in my life has ever under...