Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Am I capable? Is it worth it? The insecurities linger. Am I too old? I’m 34, and I’ve missed so much, is it too late to try to be better? Did I miss my window? Is this it? Is this broken version me, the best of me? Does a better future await me if I just try? You are 34 .  34!   You are 34. You are at the bottom of the barrel. Your mind wanders, you wonder, how come?

How can you want something so badly, and not enough? How is it we can see the errors, see the flaws, see the wrongs and still keep making the same mistakes? What is our malfunction? You don’t want it bad enough, you’re not trying hard enough. SACRIFICE is the word of the hour, the thing which you want, the thing which you need requires sacrifice. You must sacrifice your urges, your comfort, and your self-doubt. Harder even, you must accept your own help and believe in yourself.  In order to meet your goals, you must limit yourself. You have to have the courage. It takes courage to look your self-doubt in the face and over come it. It takes courage  to believe in yourself when you’ve spent a lifetime of doing the opposite. It takes courage to see your short comings and want to better yourself. It’s not just believing, it’s doing. It’s not just doing, it’s believing, and that takes courage. It takes courage to say I am better than this, I am better than what I’ve become, I can ...

The constant onslaught of punches life throws at you reach a crescendo, and everything fades to black, but like a faulty bulb, there’s some flickers, and suddenly the light is coming to give back everything the darkness stole. Life’s a bitch, and then you die… but not every time   ;

“ In 5 weeks you’d weight xxx ” Let’s be real, I haven’t committed to anything other than excessive binge-eating for 5 weeks-straight, in years. But no time like the present to completely flip that on it’s head. MyFitnessPal says in 5 weeks I’d be 499 if I ate like today, which was like s*#+ but below my goal. So we are going to give it a go, 5 weeks of 2,465 calories or less and watch where my weight lands. It’s currently 518lb.

Lets talk about tv shows, or really, a tv shows end. I cry when a show I like comes to a definitive end. There is something so sad about seeing something you enjoy stop. Tv shows can be so silly, especially the ones I get attached to, but being entertained is wonderful, more so if you can be amused and made to smile.  Getting connected to characters, to themes, little running gags etc is a special thing. But eventually it ends, Golden Girls, King Of Queens, 30 Rock, Regular Show, Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt are just a few a few of my favorites that ended. I've been watching Bojack Horseman on Netflix lately. I started it a few years ago but quit because depression. I've hopped back on and am loving it but I know it ends and I'm preemptively sad, but I'm happy it's been something I can enjoy when I'm so often in a state of grey. The end of a TV can be a parallel to life, or a demonstration. It’s never easy to see something you love cease to be, in the grand schem...

There are a few ways you can help me in my journey. You can donate an item from my amazon wishlist or you can send funds to me directly via paypal/cashapp.  How will these fund my journey? Amazon Wish List: the items I have on here are to aid me in weight loss and preparation in some way. For instance there are food prep containers for meal prepping entire days worth of meals at once. There are clothes to help me feel more comfortable for going to and being in the gym. There is exercise equipment that is pretty self-explanatory, but obviously such devices would speed up weight loss. There are fitness games to help motivate me during leisure/recreational time. Any of these would be assets. Direct money donations via paypal or cashapp would be used strictly for my this journey and buying what is needed to further aid me at a given time. Any donation is appreciated, but I dont expect anything, and there is no pressure Amazon Wish List Paypal CashApp

It wasn’t a perfect weekend. Saturday was not ideal. Most of my plan didn’t exist that day. I made some addict mistakes, but planned the rebound. Then I realized it’s Memorial Day weekend here in the US. Which means barbecuing is afoot. That means pork and beef everywhere.  I know I’m going to indulge so there is no point on planning a rebound on a holiday known for eating (like Xmas, Thanksgiving, 4th of July, etc). A former me could have done it, but that me is gone and I have to be realistic. The plan is not to over do it. And hoping there isn’t a lot of  leftovers. MyFitnessPal  gives you a 5 week estimate of weight loss based off of your calorie intake of the day. I plan on going on a 5 week journey to test out if it is accurate. Obviously this will start after Memorial Day, which will be Tuesday. The goal is to be under 500lbs in this timeframe. MFP gave me a nice estimate last Friday that I’d like to see through.

Laying in my bed then suddenly I recognize a familiar tune. Its none other than the ice cream truck. I think "at this time of the year?" "In this weather?" and then I remember its almost june, then I look out my window and see that its very nice weather. I've been in my room so much, boxed in my four walls of solitude and comfort, that I lose grasp that there is an outside world. Living is happening out there, something I may never truly experience. About a month ago I got a random call from a friend, we chatted for awhile about all kinds of silly things. It was nice. He eventually started telling me about another friend of his, V, they've been friends since before we met. He tells me V has basically given up on life, plays MMO games all day, rarely leaves the house, has incredibly poor hygiene, accepts he'll be alone forever, no career prospects, no significant other, nothing. And he doesn't care anymore. He is in his mid 40s. I couldn't help bu...

Two days out from quitting that medication and I already feel about 5x more in control. Today I didn’t  stick entirely to the plan but I did really good in comparison. I did have some oatmeal cookies, I did have some ice cream, but we didnt go overboard. The goal is still to aovid these things but I’m happy with my outcome. I ended my day with a mass of 1,760 calories, out of 3,150. A tremendous improvement. The effect that medication had on me is honestly alarming, and scary, but its gone now, never to return, at least not while my weight is still an issue. Things could change in 150lbs, or not, time will tell.

Ok. Another bad day in the bag, fine. Yes, I ate like a black hole, sucking down everything in its path into oblivion, but all hope isnt lost... for the future. I have to stop listening to the addict in me, the addiction, stop letting it win. Ive been letting it control my life the past several weeks but moreso in the last 7 days. Its like the food is calling to me, but this isnt just a sudden occurance, their is a source, my new mediciation Vraylar is the direct culprit here. I decided on my own to stop taking it, hopefully within a few days it will be completely out my system, or atleast enough so that it doesnt hijack my appetite. HERES THE PLAN We've already stopped the medication, check Abstain from sugar for 7 days, I fear these last few weeks have reawakened the beast of food addiction, in particular, sugar. To off set this I plan to abstain from all sugar for 7 days. A sugar detox if you will Water, drink at least 40oz of water a day. 2, set the notifications of my water-lo...

And with the snap of my fingers, all the food was gone. Today was the worse day yet. After starting off strong by walking this morning, I promptly effed it up by eating an entire pack of Oreos, and row of oatmeal cookies with milk. Later, I had leftovers, that sesame chicken dish from a few days ago, topped off with two strawberry cheesecake ice cream sandwiches. I just felt like I could keep going and going.  Tomorrow I’m taking control, this has gotten out of hand, I’m building my ship to wreck all over again. I must advert the path I’m on, or I will balloon back up to 600lbs for a 3rd, possibly final time. I don’t want to be like this anymore. Another Thanos snap to make it right

Him 😞❤️‍🩹 Oops… I did it again. I’ve become infatuated with a straight friend. He’s so good looking and talented and smart, and driven and cool and outgoing and, and, and… I’m stuck on this imaginary  scenario where he professes his love for me and we ride off into the sunset. He is quite literally way out of my league, and more importantly, he is straight. But even if he wasn’t I wouldn’t stand a chance in this current form. It’s a hopeless predicament, nothing can and will ever come of it, I can only hope I eventually get past it. It just sucks, wanting something, someone you can never have. He is a good friend and I’d never jeopardize it by being incredibly dumb enough to come clean about this, but it really effects my mental health at times. I don’t know if it’s me or the BPD, that has me obsessing over this. Either way, it’s just another rough, lonely road I travel. Me 🤡