Brandon, Who Lives At Home

 Look who found his way back 

I needed a breather. A lot has been weighing on my mind and I just didn’t feel like writing. My eating is up and down and all around. All hope isn’t lost. I need to screw my head back on tightly. I have some new stressors that are not helping with my emotional eating. But I’m trying to manage that better. I’ve been having fast food a lot on the weekends and I’m putting an end to that. It’s been so hot here, I really need a air conditioning unit for my room, but I don’t see that happening in the near future, the 9% inflation hike going on in the US right now  is really taking it’s toll. Stay tuned 

Ive come to realize that depression has many faces, each one a different version.  Two faces years apart could be "the worst depression you've ever had" but present totally differently. It can be high functioning and low functioning. One version you might not be able to get out of bed, you might not shower and you do not a anything at all. While another version you're doing your normal tasks perfectly fine, going to appointments, talking with friends and family, but your depression is as bad as its ever been. It can be confusing, often asking yourself, am I that depressed? Is it that bad? Only for you to go into a sudden 40 minute spell of the most self destructive thoughts, and an impulsive urge to act on them, that you realize yeah its bad. Somehow you overcome it time and time again. Wheres our "x" week token/chip for remaining symptom free? Where are the tokens for utilizing our CBT skills? Wheres the reminder of " yeah, you're doing really good...

510.2lbs . Straight to the point. My weight was up a few. Two weeks in a row. Last week eating wasn't great. The numbers could actually have been worse. After spending two days eating cheez-its do-to that power outage, I really made a go of it after. Mostly processed junk. I ate pretty much everything I was supposed to avoid. I'm over it now and am ready to move forward with that unusual week behind me. I think my greatest issue was sodium and lack of water. A real one-two punch. I suspect that getting my water back in order alone, will help me lose the weight I gained. And eating a set amount of  calories daily will help me drop even more.

I need more. or at least, one. I have great friends, but when I'm having an internal meltdown, when I'm having a total crisis about everything and nothing, when I'm on the verge of ending it all, when I'm feeling insecure and need reassurance, when everything is going wrong, when I have a lot on my mind and just need to talk. There is no one, if I message you in crisis and you you respond 3 hours later, you aren't someone I can go to. But people say this all the time “if you ever need to talk” that’s what they say. That’s not what they mean. I don’t need someone I can access 24/7, that’s not realistic, but it would be nice if I could actually rely on someone. I have to get through everything on my own. Then I have therapy once a week, one day to get an entire week off my chest, while trying to learn new cognitive strategies to help me better deal with these on my own. Its a lot.

Monday threw quite the curve ball on my unsuspecting town and the tri-state area. What I assumed would be a regular mid-day storm, turned out to be one of epic proportions. The wind was roaring, it was lightening, rain pouring, thunder slamming. I could hear our trash can get swept down the alley, and not long after, the lights flickered, and then went off. Everything was off. It was one of the hottest days of the year here and we had no power. Tuesday was a nightmare, constantly hoping "any minute now" the power will be back on. I had nothing fully charged and my phone died the previous night. It was going to be a particularly rough ride. My tablet had 39%, and luckily I had just put the entire series of 30 Rock on an SD for it. That kept me sane, but I had to ration the power. So just a few episodes here and there. Played a game on my Switch called Limbo, but had to ration my time with it too. I tried to literally not-move as much as I could, any movement generated heat an...

    **DO TO A CITY-WIDE BLACKOUT THIS WAS NOT POSTED WHEN IT WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN (6/13) ** Last week I weighed in at 505.8. I was quite uncertain about that number because slightly less than a week prior I had weighed in at 518. Apparently it was in the right area, later in the week I was weighed again at the doctors and I weighed 508. Today my scale says my weigh is 506.4. A slight increase. My eating last week was interesting. I fasted complete days and then had days where my intake was well over my limit. I had Olive Garden for my moms birthday last Monday and over the weekend indulged on Cassanos Pizza. A pizza joint chain in Ohio, they honestly have the best delivery pizza. And I’ve fasted half day Saturday and Sunday. My body isn’t quite sure what to make of this. But I’m still in control and I feel good about the week. I plan on fasting all day tomorrow and maybe Wednesday. Then eating a stricter diet and possibly intermittent fasting as lately one meal has been suff...

Sigh. Sometimes knowing which emotions are real and which aren’t feels impossible. The extreme-ness of this condition is overwhelming. I’m constantly over-reacting internally. My mood playing jump-rope and changing with every loop. Am I a bad person? Does having BPD make me inherently bad?  Yesterday I had one of my signature emotion-based overreactions. A frivolous accident occurred, a slipping of one’s mind really, but I implied the person involved did it on purpose. Granted I was warranted being upset, but part of me knew it was just a simple mistake, but I couldn’t regulate the intense hurt and venom I felt and after calling them out I threw in “you probably did it on purpose!” Why, why did I do that? Now said, unsaid person isn’t talking to me. Even if part of me genuinely did feel like it was deliberate, I used a “you” statement, I know better than that. You statements just make people defensive.  Now I’m stuck between all these extreme emotions, the original hurt and ve...

I mentioned that I fasted in the last post. Totalled out to 35+ hours. Fasting is such a relief because I don’t have to worry about calories, or if this or that food is good or bad. I get to be free of the food burden. The problem comes after the fast ends and eating feels like a crime. Every single thing seems like too much. This isn’t exclusive to post-fast. It’s a something I experience anytime I’m trying to lose weight. It’s as if Ive completely lost the concept of  “appropriate amount” sometimes. It’s either I’m eating too much or too little. I find that middle ground when I’m less invested but soon as I’m into it, boom, this problem rears it’s head. This isn’t a de-railing problem (currently), but it causes me anxiety anytime I think of eating. 

I just finished a 24hr water-fast, currently 27 hours. Not hungry, I plan to resume eating in the morning 30+ hrs in. Brother brought home little Debbie’s, some kind of cream filled brownie thing. I’ve had them before, they are okay. There is something about the icing on those that taste plastic-y. I normally don’t mind but it’s just one of the reasons why I didn’t touch one today. The lack of reward. In other news. My mom and brother are catching a movie Saturday  and having dinner and invited me along. I turned down these things so often in the past  that they stopped asking, so this was surprising. I told them I’d think about it, but honestly I probably won’t. The more I think about myself in that setting I get anxiety. In other, other news. Remember that hot straight friend I mentioned here ? Well he’s been wanting to hang out and I’ve been making up excuses not to. We were supposed to hangout last Sunday but at the last minute backed out without explanation. This Saturday...

  Been an interesting past few days. Ive decided I shall once again start doing weigh-ins at the top of the week. Today I weighed-in at 505.8 and honestly I don't know if that's accurate considering a week ago it said I was 518. Ive been known to drop big amounts early-in like this but I just am not sure if this is right. My last week was Topsy-Turvy, but I did have a experimental weekend. We shall see where we are at next Monday, a week from today. In other news today is my mothers 63rd birthday and we are going out to dinner to celebrate, just me and her. I haven't eaten in a restaurant in 4 years, Ill have to put my anxieties aside and storm through, for mom. Keeping a positive mind frame, this should be a good time, I wont let it flop because of me. I am very grateful to have my mother, and hope to have her for decades to come. We may bump heads, but we always get passed the little things. Weve been through a lot and have gone through a lot but we always get through. Ch...