Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I didn't blog most of the week as I'm sure you all noticed. I strategically spent my week with friends, knowing I could bury my weight loss journey woes, and also knowing that I'd likely be a bit encouraged to eat more freely, after all the journey was supposedly over. As you've read though, I didn't do much damage, the most damage done from fast food was to my mind. I didn't go walking at the park a single day last week. I spent my days hanging with friends watching movies, and playing games. We had pretty intense Heads Up matches (a modern twist on charades for the iPad) that I was awful at, and then hit it old school for some Battle Mode in Super Mario Bros. 3 for the Super Nintendo, I dominated that one. It was a raging good time. I seen my doctor for my follow up, and found out it's finally under control! She attributed this greatly to the combination of medicine tweaking, and my weight loss, the nurses assistant congratulated me on doing such a goo...

It's been a pretty rough week, I had a lot of emotional battles that I sometimes lost. I feel a way I can't describe. This whole week I've had fast food, Taco Bell twice, KFC, Canes, and Chipotle. I told myself the journey was over, but somehow I remained incredibly conscious and cautious of the places I chose to eat at. I wanted to be destructed, but ended  up being quite tame. The most I took in on a single day was 2,500 calories, and that was Monday, a day I had no fast food, every day since has been lower. I've been bothered by it. I wanted to revert back to the old me, and eat recklessly everyday, but that didn't happen. There is a part of me that wouldn't give up completely, it whispered in my ear like Jiminy Cricket, steering me clear if making the worst decisions possible. I could have had pizza everyday this week, Pizza Hut has a new dipper pizza, and Little Cesar's has a deep dish bacon wrapped  (literally whole bacon wrapped around the crust)...

Without any context at all, here is my calorie and sodium intake from yesterday Calories 4,145 Sodium 12,342 Last time I weighted in at 495 pounds, this week I'm 491. I lost a few. It doesn't feel earned, or deserved. This is not a victory. I believe I have had some kind of fundamental shift, and my weight loss downfall is imminent. I'm  just not into it anymore. I guess I know myself pretty well sometimes, don't I? I knew I could not take a walk on the wild side without it sending me into a spiral. It's not just this weekend, although, I truly realized how much I miss food freedom. King for two days it seemed. I'm just exhausted with the road ahead, it's truly never ending. I'm still in the 490s, I'm huge, that's a ton of weight to lose! It's overwhelming, I guess I'd rather be morbidly obese and fat, but able to indulge myself. Than to be spending the next X amount of centuries trying to lose weight, and hating it. I mean I hav...

A part of me knew I would end up here, hating myself for being weak. I enjoyed myself this weekend, I really did, I kept telling myself it's okay, you've been at this for months and haven't rarely broken stride. #TreatYoSelf,  indulge, what's a day or two in the grand scheme of things? I just love food so much, it's been a hard journey without it being used as comfort, I think I've only comfort eaten about twice this whole year. Food was always my trusted friend and confidant, and this year I put the breaks on that. I swear I'm the past month it feels like I wasn't living much, because I was eating so boringly. Having pizza this weekend was like an event, I knew it was coming so there was a budding excitement, then watching mom prepare the dough, fix up the sausage, spread on the sauce and other toppings, smelling it cook. It was thrilling. I'm completely and utterly ashamed and disgusted to admit that I enjoyed this more than crossing over ou...

"I'm not really sure how this weekend will effect my weigh in..." Yesterday was a pretty stellar day. Me and my mom decided to have a movie marathon weekend together. We watched a range of different movies, four total. My made her famous homemade pizza, this time, not the healthy turkey meat infused iteration I convinced her to make last time, this time, red meat, actual sausage! I didn't really have breakfast, I snacked on some chips and salsa early though to hold me over until pizza, I was putting all my eggs in that basket, and it did not disappoint. I completely expected to go over my default calorie goal with as much pizza as I had, but after calculations I was just below. Mom cuts her pizza in to small squares, I had 7 pieces total throughout the night. I later snacked on some Doritos, haven't had them in a while, they are my favorite chip, but they didn't quite live up. The best news of all, left overs! Moms pizza always taste better a day or t...

For the longest I've taken full responsibility of my obesity, blaming myself because of the weight I became, after all, no one forced me to eat. After watching the documentary Fed up, I realize how there are a lot of outside contributions. For one,  misleading portion sizes. I've already written for my love of pizza rolls, but never knew how to pay attention to serving sizesas a child. If you look back at there commercials, they show a generic mom bringing a plate of pizza rolls to two kids to share, but not two individual plates with the actual serving sizes. The plate she brings has a ton on it, even if you divided the portion in two, it would still be more than there serving size, which is 6. I've never done less than ten at a time, kids like me seen commercials with big plates full and considered that the normal. Even as child though, I don't believe I could have been satisfied with 6 measly pizza rolls. In the early 2000s they started selling them in small boxe...

Well this day kind of just came and went. For breakfast I had scrambled cheese eggs, toast, hash browns and turkey bacon. I couldn't even eat the entire piece of bacon, I'm so sick of turkey bacon, I just couldn't do it, I gave my remaining pieces to my mom. I realized that even though I was supposed to stop the fasting since last week. I've been doing it almost everyday. It wasnt until yesterday that it dawned on me I skipped lunch or snacks all week. For dinner I had two tuna egg salad sandwiches with sliced tomatoes and onions with some 7UP. I didn't do too much today, I didn't go walking or anything productive really. I did watch another documentary called Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I plan to watch the sequel this weekend sometime. I unfortunately got to bed quite late, after 1am. My sleep, lately has not been great, I toss and turn now more than I can ever recall. Calories 2,052 Sodium 4,760

It's a new month, and I've decided my red meat ban has gone on long enough! I'll be easing off the turkey meats a bit in the process. I stuck it out for two months for reasons I really don't know, I guess to challenge myself, see if I could do it. Well it was murder towards the end, but alas, that's exactly what it is. The end. I don't know what I have in store for this month, but next month means half the year will be gone. Will I have had a mild transformation by then like I hoped? I think not.  Im thinking of actually maybe slowing down a bit, as crazy as that sounds to me. I once fantasized about having one of those eating disorders where you become so conscious and worried that you eat very little. At the start of the week when my low calorie intake had a profound effect on me, I considered the possibility of letting it go on, weakness, lack of energy, and feeling perpetually sick, were fair trade offs to drop the pounds. I haven't exactly come to...

"losing weight isn't as simple as calories in and calories out..." This day kind of just happened. There weren't  particularly interesting aspects to it. I was in a relatively low-mood the entire day. For breakfast I had a leftover turkey burger, and hash browns, basically the dinner the night before. I was really just trying to fuel up for my walk. In the afternoon me and my buddy went walking, it was a nice day, but I again wasn't quite into it. I wanted to quit halfway, even though physically I was feeling quite able. Once again my friend pushed me to keep charging ahead, and so I did. He invited me to go camping this summer, he and his girlfriend go a lot, they're going this weekend  in fact, and said I should join them sometime. I immediately declined, he asked why, I told him it was being outdoors, and bugs, but truth is I'm just scared to jumping into such a new unfamiliar thing. He argued that I should go camping at least once, I reminded him...

"I just couldn't luster up the emotional energy..." The week continued on bad note. I woke up completely unmotivated, my mind started to head into bleak territories early. I had a nice breakfast, scrambled eggs, hash browns and turkey bacon. I did not want to go to my therapy appointment, part laziness, part I didn't do my homework, it was impossible(I was suppose to write a love letter to myself). I decided to go, we talked about a range seemingly low-tier issues, but for some reason it was very emotionally exhausting. I left there feeling emotionally drained. When I went to the doctors office Tuesday, upon my exit a kid maybe age 8 or 9 (old enough to know better) yells "fat boy." His mother did nothing to correct him, I just continued walking like I didn't hear it. I was thinking "I'm taking this much better than I used to" as I walked away. By the time I got home I buried it to the back of my head and forgot, until therapy. My t...

"A rough day was had..." Yesterday I woke up feeling kind of yucky, there was just this gross chalky feeling in my stomach. For breakfast I had a cup of  mixed vegetables, and two tablespoons of pasta salad. I went for my walk at noon, and it was the worst. The whole morning I had been feeling sluggish, weak, and like I had no energy. I felt like I was getting exhausted from the slightest movements, and when I went walking it didn't get any better. I struggled through the entire thing, I wanted to quit less than half way, I wanted to sit on the benches, but my buddy convinced me to keep on, keeping on. So I did. I got home feeling drained, soon as I entered the door I went for the couch. My mom said it looked like I had a tough walk, I told her my situation, and then went to my bed and napped until my 4'clock appointment with my doctor. Felt like a chore getting to the car. My doctor increased one of my medications from once a day, to twice a day. I'm not ...

Yesterday was pretty interesting food wise. I weighed in and then promptly had a leftover hash brown and two servings of potato chips. I went walking in the afternoon and then returned home and had two cups of mixed vegetables. No salt, no butter, no cheese, just Mrs. Dash, and it was hard to get through being so bland, but was filling. For dinner more veggies, I had two cups of mixed greens with a couple ounces of shredded turkey. It was a low calorie day to say the least. Calories 607 Sodium 2,279 I was almost vegetarian for a day, if not for shredded turkey.