Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I'm pretty sure come next weeks weigh-in I'll be in the 450's for yet another week. My biggest enemy now is sodium, and I simply haven't cared enough to cut back. I haven't eaten much this week, but what I've eaten has surely. Even loaded with sodium, and I've once again abandoned myfitnesspal , to be fair last weeks internet outage contributed largely to this, but now that things are back online I haven't bothered to add my food. I'm still in a bit of a rut I guess. I really need to prepare for the second wave of my weight loss journey. Soon, a second way will come.

Sigh.... Mom got a call last night letting her know that one of my brothers would be getting out his incarceration in May, that now means both brothers will be home in the first half of 2016. It's interesting because it was originally taught that they might be out this year, but that didn't turn out to be. Then it looked like it could even be a few more years for brother "b" ( the younger of the two, but only slightly). It has been confirmed for awhile that brother "a" (oldest) was to end his home away from home vacation in February 2016. The idea of them being home is one I only entertain for moms benefit, I know she'll love having them back, I personally wish my journey could  magically conclude with goal success by then and me be out of the picture before they return. It's clear that isn't going to happen.  Reminds me of my last few years in high school when I wanted to lose weight graduate and go to college, because at that time they were a...

Its quite interesting, the Internet went out last Tuesday as I was writing an update for the blog. A week later I'm back online. Just over a week later and everything is back to normal. I didn't initially deal with not having internet the first day very well, but by Thursday I just accepted and decided to wait it out, what other choice did I have? It wasn't the best week mentally. I stayed home and in my room most of the time, getting lost in my own thoughts. Out of boredom I started reading old journal and writing entries I had written last year on my iPad. I couldn't read too deep into the journal ones they remind me to much of last year pre-lifestyle change (Though, Im sure that's the point). What's more interesting is how many short stories I wrote, and began to write but never finished. It's clear that writing a book was something I was inching towards, but I wasn't focused enough to see it through. In therapy while going over some of these ol...

First I'd like to start out by pointing out how disgustingly humid it is for the first time in.. I don't know, like a week or two, yuck! Blërg!  I can hear those cicadas out there making that end of summer howl theumake, normally it doesn't bother me, and I'm not sure if it does now, but I am hyper aware of it at the moment and I'm not exactly enjoying it. Now to the weigh-in, last week I weighed 457 pounds, this week, 451 ! That's 6 pounds down. That's a good number. Today started off great, and then crashed, just totally burned up in flames. I have a lot to discuss with my therapist this week it seems! Also... I had another slight, slight blackout today. Luckily I was already leaning against a wall at the moment of  eclipse. I never did see my doctor last week like I was supposed to. I'm still not much concerned by this. I've been wondering really deep things lately, what's out there for me? Feels like Ive run out of time... Got the news ...

It's was a mild day of mostly movie watching, weigh-in tomorrow could go a number of ways I'll just have to wait and see I suppose. I have not been as drowsy today. Short one today.

I'm finally back on my ADHD medication at the upped dosage, one thing about this medication is it absolutely kills my appetite, I remember telling my therapist about it during week 2, because I had to make it a point to eat. Today just kind of came and went and before I knew it mom had fixed s frozen pizza for dinner, and I had suddenly realized  that dinner was my first meal of the day. Together we ate about half the frozen pizza and will gave the rest tomorrow. Loss of appetite is a side effect but it's one I think I can use to my advantage quite nicely. That drowsiness yeah it's not gone, it's also listed as a possible side effect, interestingly I didn't have this issue until this round. It's not really much of an issue right now I guess, I don't exactly have a lot going on. Sometimes Id rather be sleep cause I feel I could one day wake up thin, while I simultaneously dread sleep because I don't exactly like waking up to... Me. Quite the woven web i...

It's been an unproductive day full of naps. There's been no point throughout the day that I didn't feel like I could fall to sleep for hours upon end. I'm I'm not complaining, I don't even think I'll have a problem sleeping tonight as this drowsy spell is still cast over me. Last night I had a bit of a weight related breakdown, picturegate striked again. Not the picture of me by the camper from the camping trip, but a different photo from the trip. One of me by the lake, it was just awful, I could not bare my own sight and just had a complete breakdown. Luckily it didn't last long, and as of right now this moment, I'm over it. I suppose this is why several months ago I changed my profile picture on Facebook to the one below, and it's remain that to this day. Summer is coming to a close, a breeze crept through my bedroom window the other day and I could have sworn it was the chill of winter. I coped with summers heat this year better tha...

The week seems to have just glided by, it's almost over. I've been sleeping well, this morning however I woke-up feeling kind of out of it.  A recent comment mentioned going down in shirt sizes, that's interesting because my therapist has been saying I should do this for weeks, new clothes, it's a touchy subject. I'm not quite sure there is enough of a difference to warrant me getting new lower sizes. As I told my therapist (whom thought I was being ridiculous) I've laid in these shirts in so many different ways and contorted them that it's really no telling if weight loss  has anything to with this appearance. So I really don't want to go down lower in sizes and be disappointed, and then wouldn't going down in size make me look bigger anyways? I know the logic in that last bit is odd , but it just came to me, I can't rationalize it, but it seems valid as if this sentence. Mentally I'm mostly stable, however that picture of me by the campe...

Several months ago, when I was walking at the park regularly with my buddy Nick, I was invited to go camping with him and his girlfriend (and my mutual friend) Melissa, and reluctantly agreed. The idea of camping had never been something that appealed very much to me, nature and weather, a one two punch of discomfort, but I agreed to go. A week ago when my buddy made a surprise follow-up asking me to go during that upcoming weekend I agreed, although, reluctantly ( I'm supposed to be trying new things this year remember?). I told myself this could be a fun experience despite the the the mild anxiety telling me this could be horrible; Plus I've never had a true s'mores before and I could finally experience that. I only went camping one day, thought my friends were there multiple days, as the week went on I actually built up quite a bit of anticipation, I can truly say I hit  a point where I was was excited to go, but that would have to wait until Saturday. On Friday I w...

I'm back on track, I'm blogging, I'm tracking, I'm cutting back, all these thing are needed to aid me for a better journey. This journey has been one roller coaster after another. I just want to be thin and want life to begin already, but for now let's move on. Due to confusing circumstances with my insurance Ive been out of my ADHD medication  since last Thursday and they won't renew it until next month, not only that but the dosage is suppose to be increased, it's going to be a less than stellar week for productivity. I was suppose to see my psychiatrist this week but it got bumped to next Tuesday. Over the weekend I went camping, tomorrow I'm going to make a post about it with pictures. Yesterday I was just below 2,000 calories.

I've been losing my mojo, perhaps my lack of presence here is a good indication of that. This past week I gained four pounds, the prior week (the week of my failed fitness reboot) I lost around 7. Last week I weighed 453, this week 457. I ate unapologetically last week, pizza, fast food, did not track at all. Every time I hang out with friends, I gain, because I lift all food restrictions, not always intentionally, either way here I am again another week up. I've stalled progress and I've begun wondering why I've gotten to this point, I've been really discouraged, by unusual sources I  think. Every time I see a fit thin, muscular guy I just feel completely disgusting. I like I haven't gotten anywhere, like I'll never be there. Then I just go on and on about what it must be like to have lived  their average thin life, and I sink, and I give up ever so slightly each time. So I'm going backwards. Every week I lose weight I take a victory lap and gain th...

Yesterday I suffered a dizzy spell, or episode, like no other. It was after therapy which went swell, I'm really getting a lot out of it, and  lately my emotional state seems overall better balanced than before I sought counseling. Back to the point, I was at home, hours later I was in my room on the computer, resting my back, and my mom told me dinner was done. I finished what I was doing popped up and proceeded to head into the kitchen, but as I made my way towards the doorway of the living room I felt lightheaded, so I stopped to kind of collect myself for a moment. I remember tracing my hands along the framing of the doorway, and the next thing I know I hear my mom yelling and screaming my name, I had completely passed, fainted, whatever you want to call it. I fell backwards hard into the hallway closet door and then to the floor. Apparently as my mom was panicking and yelling my name I was unresponsive and jerking, she described it like  I was having a seizure or stroke...