Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I'm still in my uncertain zone,  therapy yesterday went okay, but it took everything inside of me to just go. I wanted it skip it. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist Monday, speaking of appointments, yeah I never made that appointment with my primary doctor. I've really been dragging my feet about it, then again that's been the case for weeks now. The week is nearly over,  which means a weigh-in isn't too far away, honestly we are in for another disappointing week. I've been trying to get out of this mental  state I'm in, find some motivation, but it really feels like I'm battle a war against myself. As of right now no plans for the weekend, my room is a mess, I'm not sure how it got to this state so fast, clearly I'm just overall in decline, it wasn't that long ago that I de-cluttered it, now it's a full blown mess. Still a chance for that second wind, I hope. Things will surely get better.....

I've been irritable the last two days and I'm not quite sure why. I hate being irritable, I'm very conscious of it after the fact. I hate how irrational I feel, I have no idea what could be the cause or trigger of this. It might just be the fact that my mood in general is crummy.  I'm just not very motivated, and I wouldn't say I'm down but, yeah I'm kind of down. Future-self/ideal me seems more and more like a fantasy I've been indulging too long in seeking. I really dont know why I feel this way, maybe it's because I fear I'll have issues with myself after the weight is gone. I really don't like me and those old journal entries from last year I rediscovered last week really made me think  that my issues may be a lot deeper, though I'm certain it all stems from the weight. My obesity blossomed into a subconscious self hate that probably started when I first started gaining as a child. Now it seems like simply losing the weight won't ...

Well I called it, it was an unsavory weigh-in. Yet  another week in the 450s. Last week I weighed 450, this week.... 450  I maintained... Well technically I gained. As the actually numbers went from 450.6  to 450.9.  So I gained .3 pounds. I'm cutting out sweet snacks, I've been munching on a lot of high calorie sweet treats lately, they add up the other day I had chocolate pie that was 1 serving 500 calories, two months ago I would never have touched such a thing! I'm cutting them out. I also need to get back to eating veggies every single day, and eating more baked meats. I got to be careful about sodium, though I need to at have the calories it's the salt that seems to be my biggest issue. I seem to be prone to water retention and some of the things I've been eating have had triple the suggest sodium for an entire day. What's worse is the calories aren't as high. Im still addicted to chips, they are my Achilles heel. I said I was cutting them out we...

Yesterday was a nice day, my two young nephews Kieryn and Jaedyn spent the day here, and though they wore me out, I really enjoyed them being over in spite of feeling physically terrible.  I had not gotten much sleep the night before and mom wanted me to run to the grocery store with her early in the morning, she normally doesn't ask, because I normally wouldn't go, however I agreed. I felt completely gross in the store, I had a odd feeling in my stomach, not anxiety, I felt sick. I ended up going back to the car about 25 minutes in. I was having a hard time keep my balance. I got better throughout the day but it wasn't the best feeling throughout. I didn't eat much. I had some crackers for breakfast, mom insisted I eat, I had teriyaki noodles for lunch and some frozen pizza for dinner. [Sunday]Today (well, now officially yesterday since it's midnight!) I was feeling a bit better, there is still something unusual going on with my stomach, and I'm making an ap...

I'm pretty sure come next weeks weigh-in I'll be in the 450's for yet another week. My biggest enemy now is sodium, and I simply haven't cared enough to cut back. I haven't eaten much this week, but what I've eaten has surely. Even loaded with sodium, and I've once again abandoned myfitnesspal , to be fair last weeks internet outage contributed largely to this, but now that things are back online I haven't bothered to add my food. I'm still in a bit of a rut I guess. I really need to prepare for the second wave of my weight loss journey. Soon, a second way will come.

Sigh.... Mom got a call last night letting her know that one of my brothers would be getting out his incarceration in May, that now means both brothers will be home in the first half of 2016. It's interesting because it was originally taught that they might be out this year, but that didn't turn out to be. Then it looked like it could even be a few more years for brother "b" ( the younger of the two, but only slightly). It has been confirmed for awhile that brother "a" (oldest) was to end his home away from home vacation in February 2016. The idea of them being home is one I only entertain for moms benefit, I know she'll love having them back, I personally wish my journey could  magically conclude with goal success by then and me be out of the picture before they return. It's clear that isn't going to happen.  Reminds me of my last few years in high school when I wanted to lose weight graduate and go to college, because at that time they were a...

Its quite interesting, the Internet went out last Tuesday as I was writing an update for the blog. A week later I'm back online. Just over a week later and everything is back to normal. I didn't initially deal with not having internet the first day very well, but by Thursday I just accepted and decided to wait it out, what other choice did I have? It wasn't the best week mentally. I stayed home and in my room most of the time, getting lost in my own thoughts. Out of boredom I started reading old journal and writing entries I had written last year on my iPad. I couldn't read too deep into the journal ones they remind me to much of last year pre-lifestyle change (Though, Im sure that's the point). What's more interesting is how many short stories I wrote, and began to write but never finished. It's clear that writing a book was something I was inching towards, but I wasn't focused enough to see it through. In therapy while going over some of these ol...

First I'd like to start out by pointing out how disgustingly humid it is for the first time in.. I don't know, like a week or two, yuck! Blërg!  I can hear those cicadas out there making that end of summer howl theumake, normally it doesn't bother me, and I'm not sure if it does now, but I am hyper aware of it at the moment and I'm not exactly enjoying it. Now to the weigh-in, last week I weighed 457 pounds, this week, 451 ! That's 6 pounds down. That's a good number. Today started off great, and then crashed, just totally burned up in flames. I have a lot to discuss with my therapist this week it seems! Also... I had another slight, slight blackout today. Luckily I was already leaning against a wall at the moment of  eclipse. I never did see my doctor last week like I was supposed to. I'm still not much concerned by this. I've been wondering really deep things lately, what's out there for me? Feels like Ive run out of time... Got the news ...

It's was a mild day of mostly movie watching, weigh-in tomorrow could go a number of ways I'll just have to wait and see I suppose. I have not been as drowsy today. Short one today.

I'm finally back on my ADHD medication at the upped dosage, one thing about this medication is it absolutely kills my appetite, I remember telling my therapist about it during week 2, because I had to make it a point to eat. Today just kind of came and went and before I knew it mom had fixed s frozen pizza for dinner, and I had suddenly realized  that dinner was my first meal of the day. Together we ate about half the frozen pizza and will gave the rest tomorrow. Loss of appetite is a side effect but it's one I think I can use to my advantage quite nicely. That drowsiness yeah it's not gone, it's also listed as a possible side effect, interestingly I didn't have this issue until this round. It's not really much of an issue right now I guess, I don't exactly have a lot going on. Sometimes Id rather be sleep cause I feel I could one day wake up thin, while I simultaneously dread sleep because I don't exactly like waking up to... Me. Quite the woven web i...

It's been an unproductive day full of naps. There's been no point throughout the day that I didn't feel like I could fall to sleep for hours upon end. I'm I'm not complaining, I don't even think I'll have a problem sleeping tonight as this drowsy spell is still cast over me. Last night I had a bit of a weight related breakdown, picturegate striked again. Not the picture of me by the camper from the camping trip, but a different photo from the trip. One of me by the lake, it was just awful, I could not bare my own sight and just had a complete breakdown. Luckily it didn't last long, and as of right now this moment, I'm over it. I suppose this is why several months ago I changed my profile picture on Facebook to the one below, and it's remain that to this day. Summer is coming to a close, a breeze crept through my bedroom window the other day and I could have sworn it was the chill of winter. I coped with summers heat this year better tha...

The week seems to have just glided by, it's almost over. I've been sleeping well, this morning however I woke-up feeling kind of out of it.  A recent comment mentioned going down in shirt sizes, that's interesting because my therapist has been saying I should do this for weeks, new clothes, it's a touchy subject. I'm not quite sure there is enough of a difference to warrant me getting new lower sizes. As I told my therapist (whom thought I was being ridiculous) I've laid in these shirts in so many different ways and contorted them that it's really no telling if weight loss  has anything to with this appearance. So I really don't want to go down lower in sizes and be disappointed, and then wouldn't going down in size make me look bigger anyways? I know the logic in that last bit is odd , but it just came to me, I can't rationalize it, but it seems valid as if this sentence. Mentally I'm mostly stable, however that picture of me by the campe...