Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I'm binging worse than ever. It feels like without food I'm nothing. Like I'm meaningless. Food is the only thing that gives me purpose. If I remove that, there is nothing left. This is part why I'm binging. Because I know my life has been wasted, I know I missed out on so much and now I'm 30, going on 31 and I've accomplished nothing. I'm a background character in everyone's life, even my own. Everyone else is living. But I'm only living when I'm eating and then wishing I wasn't after. It can only go on for so long.

My weight has shot up to 423. I'm officially fallen from grace I've officially gained 100lbs. At the time of this writing this is a weight gain story. I'm the guy who lost some but then gained it all back. I've always been pretty unfiltered on this blog, unlike on Instagram where I just don't feel I can or should be. That being said, I've been suicidal lately, lots of existential thinking with poor results. My psychiatrist who I seen today (12/14/18) wants me to do a partial hospitalization.  I'm not onboard. I'm not actively thinking of killing myself but I just know and feel it's eventually going to happen, like it's fate. It's just a gut feeling. In the rare times I'm enjoying a moment I'll l be ripped out of it because I'll remind myself that I won't be here in the end so what's the point of even enjoying this? (whatever this is at that moment). Almost like I have no control over what's going to happen. ...

Wasn't I?

I'm blogging because I feel like I need to express some things I can't do on Instagram. The only other platform I cover my weight loss. I don't feel well emotionally. I've been binging daily the past couple weeks. I'm not sure about my place in this world. Or maybe I do and that's the problem, I've told my therapist and psychiatrist that I believe I'm going to die by suicide, this was during a particularly good period I was having. earlier this year, yet the feeling was and is still there, I feel like no matter how much better I get one day I'm just going to be that person that suddenly does it. No one will see it coming because things will have seemed to turn around, but I don't know if they truly turn around at all. Every time I hear about suicide I sink a bit. They did it. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't done it already in comparison to some of the people that have, people who had far more to live for. My whole purpose in life ...

Today was/is my birthday, I've turned the age I've been dreading since I started this blog. Don't think it, don't say it, aside from therapy I haven't mentioned a word about my birthday, still it was a bit distressing to realize my mom forgot. I woke up walked right past her to the kitchen, made breakfast, and went on. It wasn't until my grandmother called to sing me happy birthday, which genuinely filled me with joy , that my mom realized it was my birthday. Still she didn't say anything until I later came to refill my water bottle, and she simply admitted she forgot, and didn't realize until she heard grandma singing on the phone. None of my friends remembered either. At first I was fine, but then I started to really analyze the situation. I'm 30 and I haven't accomplished a thing, and I'm still obese, and I don't really matter to anyone. I really have never felt so alone in my life. I wished I was thin and dating someone because it w...

I've decided to remove ads from my  blog indefinitely after coming across one that immediately caught my eye, after clicking it I discovered it asked users to download something, and well I put on the breaks there and did some research. Discovered what I suspected all along. I hope none of you downloaded anything from any of those ads

Its been a good week. the week before week resulted in several old Brandon remissions.  Come Monday I told myself I was done, and since then I've been exercising everyday, staying below my calorie goal, no binging and no trigger food. It feels good to be back in the swing of things. My psychiatrist asked me how I was able to just snap to it like that, having just binged that Sunday. Today I went to the store, I grabbed a box of my trigger snack cakes, stood their for a minute, then put them back. Effortlessly. That's really significant because I've been explaining to my therapist, psychiatrist, and dietitian how when I'm in the store I have this severe internal conflict. I know I'll regret buying my binge food and will even feel guilty walking up to get it, but I'll also have this unreasonable fear of missing out, as if I'll never have the chance to eat that again. Today that was not an issue. I'm not sure how many of you follow my Instagram but if ...

Never mind all that watching my downfall stuff. Sure you were, but that wasn't me. New Brandon is far too strong to be defeated by consumption gratification dependency. Old Brandon, EZB has been strapped to the backseat. If the old me stays in control Ill get nowhere. Its simple, the old me cant continue this journey. He is depleted, maxed out, he has exhausted all of his strength. All of the best qualities EZB possessed, I possess too. I however, know my strengths. I know what I am capable of. 2018 will be the year I fully come into my own, and leave the past behind. Food is not my friend, food is not my confidant, food is not my companion. Food is a lair, it gives me what I want for a moment, a very short moment, but in that moment I'm promised all my fears, all my woes and problems will go away. Then its over, the last bite is had and I'm stuck in the same reality with the same problems I had before, but now with a added level of self-hatred. Food does not make my h...

Its a scary time, I started the new year off good eating within my calories, avoiding snack cakes, logging my food, wearing my fit bit, and no binges. Until Wednesday, my food addiction is back in full swing and literally every single day I thought of swiss rolls or some other snack cake. It was unrelenting, for the first two days I was able to resist. Wednesday the ball dropped and busted into a million particles. A dozen sour cream glazed donuts, an entire box of little Debbie nutty bars, and a large bag of jalapeno Fritos.  I felt awful of course, and I told myself that was it. But by the end of the night I knew I wasn't. Today, Thursday, I've been on a bender, 4 peanut butter sandwiches, 6 toaster pastries(pop tarts), 2 candy bars, a cream filled donut, 2 bowls of cereal and a bag of chips. I'm so weak. I can't seem to avoid this. I don't know how to break this cycle. And I see all the work I've done over the years being for nothing. I felt the ne...

I've been gone for a bit from blogging, it ties in perfectly with my commitment or lack thereof to my weightloss journey. It has completely took a 180 in the worse way. In june things started to come to a head. I was having binging episodes every other week that eventually turned into every week, by October I had completely reverted back to my old self. Using food to cope with any and everything, and mindless binging and gorging until I felt absolutely disgusting. The last week weeks of December I had a binge pretty much every day. Ive gained an absolutely absurd amount of weight in a very short time. My lowest was 322, I'm currently up to 371. I haven't been on a weightloss journey in the last month to be honest. December I out did myself with just how much I could binge, how many days I could binge, and how miserable I can make myself feel. I fully realize I'm on the path to complete regain. I have to stop this  now. I have to get my head in the game, now. If I don...

Is now. Years ago, just after I first made this blog I had gotten a very mean-spirited and destructive letter from my my grandma. I've kept that letter as a constant reminder of how completely clueless my family was to my internal battles of depression. That letter nearly killed me. Recently I got into a shouting match with my brother about him and his sons eating of my food and how the budget realistically and by all means technically, didn't cover 4 people it covers 2. I had discussed the issue with my therapist earlier in the day, and she said I should definitely say something about it. I warned her that I knew it wouldn't go over well. It didn't. Well along with being called selfish for suggesting they get their own food (because there is literally none in the house right now because of the addition of them) I was called a useless fat lazy slob among other things. That was maybe the first time is been called fat directly to my face in years. Several things ...

In every train wreck there is a point when the wheels come off the tracks. That is the point I'm at right now. Its interesting, my blog doesn't get half the traffic it got earlier this year or last. I suppose that's partially my fault, I've taken writing hiatus' several times this year for extended periods of time, and I just haven't been as successful as I have been in previous years. All my trials are reductive, its the same thing rehashed to lesser or greater affect. My weight has been stalled for months, I'm not progressing. I'm all washed up and I think a lot of the original readers seen that and jumped ship. I don't blame them. Right now I'm back in my annual holiday dark haze, I'm miserable and unhappy and lonely, and, useless and ugly and its all coming to a head. I see my psychiatrist Wednesday and idk how that will go, I'm pretty unhinged right now. I've had fantasies of going on one last giant disgusting binge ...