Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Failed already Mom unexpectedly bought me McDonald's for breakfast. Did have the will to turn it away. Maybe tomorrow...

Okay today we have a do over. Fast. Just fast. No food. Easy! .......

Failed. Wanted sugary binge foods, got them . Reese big cups (5) Half dozen glazed donuts Doritos Frozen Pizza

Feel urge to eat. Urge, not need, urge. Food has been on my mind all night. Whether or not I'll stick to the fast, thinking if I should my do my upteeth final hooray meal then begin reset. I've drank 10oz of water. Took my meds for the first time in a full week. Attempting to stay on path

Cleanse via  some sure to be gross  tea my brother has given me Charge my Fitbit that I haven't worn in weeks Charge my headphones.

Is what my neighbors must think about me. I imagine them peaking  me out atchingtheir windows watching me yoyo 20-40lbs every other month. I'm sure for awhile they noticed when I was losing, I wonder what they thought then. Maybe they thought I had surgery, who knows. Everytime I step foot outside my door now I'm very self-conscious, especially when I know I'm heading off to get food. They must think there he goes again. I found my way back to 464lbs after several weeks of just atrocious eating. I only feel alive when I'm over eating. Wish I weren't when I'm finished. I didn't go to therapy this week, I have to see my psychiatrist and therapist next week, although I might again skip therapy yet  be a g ain.  I'll be lying my ass off to the psychiatrist. I'm going to do a cleanse and fast to drop  the water weight so that when I get on that scale it isn't obvious that I said t o hell with it all . Just smile and look functional and no...

I'm In the bad place

Switching to a mostly daily update routine Clean =trigger foods Sober = binges, emotional eating. No food coping It's become clear to me that I need to fill my time. I need to be doing some thing. Get out more. I realize in the last year I've been more isolated and gotten out fewer than any time since 2015. Some of that has Todo with social anxi ety but a bigger be part has to do with perhaps the  shitty things I've exp erienced in the public in the last year. My great aunt stopping me in a busy store and letting me know how basically unrec ognizably fatter I've gotten. I had that incident with that random woman at my therapist  office where she less than subtly   inspected me and turned and asked the reception i st if I was a guy or girl . I had that incident with the laughing kids, the increased stares at the store and most recen tly that outlet mall incident  witha friend a few months ago. No one in my life has ever under...

Today begins the first day of my fast. Was supposed to begin two days ago, but I just wasn't ready.  Im as ready as I can be now. What after the fast, what after I get back on my regular routine and things are fine for a few weeks? What when the inevitable problem occurrence occurs and start eyeballing food to cope, then what? Does it all go to hell again? 

Mom turned 60 today. Kind of a scary age. I don't like the reality of my mom getting older but I have to accept it. I'm glad she's still around and mostly agile. I need a lot of working on. There are things that I need to let go of that would improve our relationship 10fold. I just keep certain resentments  that do me no good. I hate the idea of letting go because it feels like I'm saying it was all okay, like it didn't matter . Learning to let go is really something I have to bring to the forefront. I've been on a bender be all week. Homemade pizza one day, taco Bell, McDonald's, Lee's (it's a chicken place), chips, and tons and tons of sweets. Yes, Reese's! Sadly they have made several appearances, all kinds of things covered in chocolate, cookies, kit Kat bars, the works. Just bingeing and bingeing. I've sure to have gainee a nice chunk of actual weight, not to mention a crazy amount of water retention. I've b...

There is no other way to put it than I've relapsed. Crash and burning.  The deep truths are that I am just total lost cause. I suppose it's good then that the few people who believed in me are blowing in the wind. This story doesn't end with me being some  kind of weight loss success story. It ends with me succumbing to my mental health, someone used  this to describe a loss of theirs last year. Or me dying from gaining my weight back and letting my health deteriorate. I'm 31. I should have tried this all in my early 20s. Trying to reinvent myself and start living for the first time at 30  is such a joke. But I have food for now, and thank goodness for that, because I've learned not only is my existence dull without food, it simply doesn't matter. I must mean something to food, food understands, if nothing else it doesn't forget about me. Doesn't leave me lonely.

Its been awhile. I gained some weight, lost some again. Recent actions dictate a gain if I dont stop now. My second stint in the partial program has come and gone. Last Friday was my last day. Now what? I've been eating like crazy all weekend. I keep expecting food to give me something it cannot. Validition or purpose. Any perceived benefit from this habit is temporary and destructive. I'm not going to therapy tomorrow. I just want to be alone. So much time has been wasted on me