I Should Be In Bed

Title says it all, it is 11:54pm, I should be in bed, my body needs rest so that I can have the energy tomorrow to do the things I need to do, and yet here I am at the closing hours of the night with a lot on my mind. One of the things I've been doing this year is following a lot of people doing weight loss journeys on YouTube, much like myself, but I often found people who video blog every day, and those are my favorite ones, because even if its just them discussing the boringness of their day, it just motivates me to keep on. Earlier I was watching a guys channel, he was talking about how he just wasn't feeling it but his wife told him to get out and hit the gym. The video eventually changes to an awkward view of him on the treadmill, and then I stopped the video.

I was looking at this guy thinking "Id love to be his size" but he is unhappy with being his size, and it just made me think of how long I have to go, like I'm counting down to when I can go buy a shirt his size, and it suddenly just felt like I have light-years before Ill be where I want to be. At one point I'm going to be his size, but then the battle still isn't over, because even his size is overweight, just not nearly as over as I am. He is the kind of guy I imagine is wearing below 5x. I'm an 8, and if I want maximum comfort, I'm a 10. My sizes cant be bought in most stores. Last year I went to Burlington Coat Factory, and some of their shirts, went up to 6x. I remember when finding 4x's in stores were rare, then the industry changed to accommodate society's growing weight, and yet still I'm too big.

All this is weighing heavy on me right now, I just want to be thinner, I wouldn't mind husky, or chubby, or something in that sphere. I had a weird day dream earlier where I could see myself in 3rd person, and I had no double chins and a defined face. I looked so different, I wasn't skinny, but I was at a weight you see more commonly, just getting to there seems so far away. 40 days of the month are already gone, and what do I have to show for it? Hopefully in the morning Ill feel better. This all came out of nowhere.


  1. It can seem like a long journey, can't it? It's true that it will probably take you a while, and that is a hard thing to face. But imagine yourself this time next year. If you keep going with your weight loss efforts, you'll be thinner with more energy. Not at your goal weight yet, but feeling better about yourself. But if you give up, in a year you'll be at the same place you are now, or worse. Either way, that year is going to pass anyway! Whether you work on food and exercise or not, each day is going to pass, and a year from now you'll be wondering where it went. So make the most of every day. You are still so young, you will have plenty of life left at a healthier weight as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other. And every day you are getting healthier and healthier.

    1. You are right, time stops for no one. Its better to do and make progress. That being said its just so hard to swallow some times, I just kind of want to be happy with myself, I just want to be able to walk outside and not feel like all eyes are on me. And to think that getting to that point is so far away is depressing. Sometimes I don't know how much more I can take. I just want to be happy and healthy, and it seems I cant be happy at my size.

      I just have to get through this year, and the results will be clear, Ill at least see it in some way, I need to see something.

  2. It's very hard to have patience when losing weight. Maybe break it down into smaller chunks like five or ten pounds at a time. Don't think of the total amount, it gets way too overwhelming that way.

    You have youth on your side so that's a hugh plus! You can do this.



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