I Should Be In Bed
Title says it all, it is 11:54pm, I should be in bed, my body needs rest so that I can have the energy tomorrow to do the things I need to do, and yet here I am at the closing hours of the night with a lot on my mind. One of the things I've been doing this year is following a lot of people doing weight loss journeys on YouTube, much like myself, but I often found people who video blog every day, and those are my favorite ones, because even if its just them discussing the boringness of their day, it just motivates me to keep on. Earlier I was watching a guys channel, he was talking about how he just wasn't feeling it but his wife told him to get out and hit the gym. The video eventually changes to an awkward view of him on the treadmill, and then I stopped the video.
I was looking at this guy thinking "Id love to be his size" but he is unhappy with being his size, and it just made me think of how long I have to go, like I'm counting down to when I can go buy a shirt his size, and it suddenly just felt like I have light-years before Ill be where I want to be. At one point I'm going to be his size, but then the battle still isn't over, because even his size is overweight, just not nearly as over as I am. He is the kind of guy I imagine is wearing below 5x. I'm an 8, and if I want maximum comfort, I'm a 10. My sizes cant be bought in most stores. Last year I went to Burlington Coat Factory, and some of their shirts, went up to 6x. I remember when finding 4x's in stores were rare, then the industry changed to accommodate society's growing weight, and yet still I'm too big.
All this is weighing heavy on me right now, I just want to be thinner, I wouldn't mind husky, or chubby, or something in that sphere. I had a weird day dream earlier where I could see myself in 3rd person, and I had no double chins and a defined face. I looked so different, I wasn't skinny, but I was at a weight you see more commonly, just getting to there seems so far away. 40 days of the month are already gone, and what do I have to show for it? Hopefully in the morning Ill feel better. This all came out of nowhere.
I was looking at this guy thinking "Id love to be his size" but he is unhappy with being his size, and it just made me think of how long I have to go, like I'm counting down to when I can go buy a shirt his size, and it suddenly just felt like I have light-years before Ill be where I want to be. At one point I'm going to be his size, but then the battle still isn't over, because even his size is overweight, just not nearly as over as I am. He is the kind of guy I imagine is wearing below 5x. I'm an 8, and if I want maximum comfort, I'm a 10. My sizes cant be bought in most stores. Last year I went to Burlington Coat Factory, and some of their shirts, went up to 6x. I remember when finding 4x's in stores were rare, then the industry changed to accommodate society's growing weight, and yet still I'm too big.
All this is weighing heavy on me right now, I just want to be thinner, I wouldn't mind husky, or chubby, or something in that sphere. I had a weird day dream earlier where I could see myself in 3rd person, and I had no double chins and a defined face. I looked so different, I wasn't skinny, but I was at a weight you see more commonly, just getting to there seems so far away. 40 days of the month are already gone, and what do I have to show for it? Hopefully in the morning Ill feel better. This all came out of nowhere.
