Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Yesterday started off like any other, I woke up, took the necessary medications, and had a small bite to eat. After eating I relaxed in bed for a while. Finally it was time to shower, as I entered the shower I remember the new shampoo in the kitchen, I hightailed it in that direction, as I did I seen my mother in the living room on the couch with a look of what I can now describe as dread , but then couldn't quite make sense of, but I remember sensing immediately it wasn't good. I jokingly tried to anticipate bad news, I drooped my head, slouched my hands behind my back. It hadn't been that long since I had last chatted with her, I figured she was up to something. Then she said the following "Your grandma Dean died." I crashed into the couch behind me into hysterical crying and sobbing. This was a whole new kind of pain. The family had dealt with loss before, certainly, but I hadn't. This was the first time someone I had deep roots with had passed on, and it...

It's a incredibly sad day for me, I can't put my thoughts or emotions together, not even a proper post. I hope tomorrow I'll be able to piece myself together and fill you all in on what happened.

I tracked my calories all last week as I usual do, and I'm just a little confused. I mentioned before that last week I gained my appetite back and ate unapologetically. I expected if nothing else to at best maintain, at worst gain. Last week I weighed in at 477.0 pounds. This week I am 473.6. I lost 3.4 pounds, I'm completely taken aback. I'm starting to wonder if my core eating habits are changing and I'm not recognizing it. The scale continues to move in the right direction. Saturday was my moms birthday, I don't know why I'm just now mentioning this. I guess it's because I just don't like to acknowledge the fact that she gets older, it gets me very emotional. I just like to pretend she's ageless. She just turned 56, and as far as I'm concerned she will be around for another 156 years. She had a very quiet birthday. Do we all have points when we are younger where we think our mothers are super heroes? There was literally a time I thought my m...

I'm terrible at drawing people... A lady while taking my Stroll today. It was the only part of the walk that stood out and even that was not particularly exciting. Me: curteous smile. Her: curteous smile. The end  I usually take my walks when I assume there will be less foot traffic. Warmer weather has been throwing a wrench in my predictions as of late. 

It's a new weeks eve, and I'm not quite sure what it has in store for me just I yet. My agenda is unsure. Tomorrows weigh in will be interesting. It's been an interesting week of eating no regrets, however. I think I'm going to start doing a sketch a day, just for my own sake it calms me, and I like doing it, and I'm going to switch the sketch-n-walk to by-daily. Either way there should be a drawing up ever day from this point forward. At least for this month. I think I'm going to start up my reading again as well, I was so disappointed in that book mishap that I just went cold to reading all together. So I'm going to start reading a book, as well as start reading my Simpsons comics again. I suppose that is a bit of an agenda. I'm a week behind in my online course so I need to play catchup there too. I'm almost ready to just give in and just cut my hair off, and maybe by the time I've gotten my weight off to a certain degree, it will have r...

I must admit since starting my new antidepressant just a few days ago I've been feeling a little bit more balanced. I'm thankful to be feeling like I'm getting back on track mentally. I had therapy Wednesday and it went well. I'm hoping this effect isn't short lived. I will say, it's been great to be thinking clearly though, it's also been great to have regained my appetite. I've been eating a lot. I've went over my default calorie goal twice this week and don't mind. I may end up gaining weight next week as a result. I say this every time I go over and it hasn't happened yet, but who knows. I'm prepared either way. I really have to watch the low calorie intake, I just don't see how those celebrity's do it! I supposed if I had some kind of motorized contraption attached to my bed to make it, and thus me,   mobile, I could do it, otherwise I just can't do it, I have no energy, I get weak, I need to stay in bed. Ugh. That b...

Dinner with my friend from the Pavillion was fantastic went to this five star local barbecue restaurant. I considered canceling like 6 times as my anxiety just kept yo-yoing as the clock kept reaching closer towards the time. I had pulled pork nachos, you know, lol,  thinking back, I'm pretty freaking sure there was no cheese! I'm sure that was the point, it was quite delicious. She got brisket. We spent a great deal of time talking about a range of areas of our lives, it was quite nice. I had to mentally-visually mute out the other patrons as at times it got quite crowded, and it just made me nervous, and I was not fond of the close seating proximities. Still I had a great time and was glad I went. She strongly thinks I should go to some kind of support group for the over weight, which wasn't the first time it's come up, but it's been brought up more frequently lately, so I'm going to do some digging to see if I have any options as far as that goes. My neph...

I've accepted being single as a way of life for a very long time now. I think when I first realized I had to accept being alone I was probably really young, and attributed my only hope, to losing weight, that still stands. I learned early on that despite my personality I just wasn't desirable because of my weight. I don't recall the last girl I asked out, I'm pretty sure I was in elementary school. I finally learned, romance was not in the cards. It wasn't always easy accepting this growing up, specially not as every single one of my friends had a girlfriend at some point. I had to ponder the prospects of being forever alone if I never lost the weight, and I wasn't having any success. So you could say I had an an idea of my future. I thought I'd maybe focus on my friendships, but the weight would prove to be a issue there as well. Not helping the situation was that I was rather picky myself. I simply would not have any friends who smoked, did drugs, or drank...

Since I've been home from the Behavioral Health Pavilion I've lost 60 pounds. I went there in March. If I could make an educated guess on how much weight I've lost since I've embarked on my weight loss journey in total since September of last year, I'd say I lost about 100 pounds if not more. I haven't  really been tracking the grand total numbers, it's really been Myfitnesspal as of late. It needs to know your current weight to give you an adequate calorie deficit. Monday when it notified me that I lost 60 pounds I buried the information to the back of my head, and the next morning when I read a comment on this blog of someone pointing out that very fact it triggered a very power emotionally confused response. I remember   smiling at first. And then becoming so deeply consumed with depression, I again was having a breakdown. I've lost  60 pounds in a couple months, 100 pounds in less than a year, yet I don't feel like it. Ive seen those illust...

I was never completely clueless about my size. I always knew I was overweight I always knew I was the biggest kid. The large one. The heaviest set one. I knew growing up that I was not in any way skinny. Unfortunately though, living, and seeing life through the 1st person angle we do, we can sometimes get a rather distorted, and/or convenient idea of ourselves, until we are snapped back into realities brutal grasps. I remember one of the first time I got too comfortable with the idea, and not the reality. The idea being what the picture in my head of me looked like, not what I or people actually seen. I remember it was summer and we were going back-to-school shopping a large retail chain called Hills. They had these giant mirror like windows wrapped around the the building as you walk towards the door. I remember walking up to the  building and laughing at the sight of me because I thought it was one of those circus-clown mirror distortions, but then I noticed my mom and my aunt lo...

I just can't wait to be able to sit back and relax in my new life and body. A life where Brandon lives, Brandon is in control. I sometimes envision Ideal/Future-self just wondering down the streets exploring the hidden beauties of my city, and snapping photos. Meeting local mom-and-pop shop owners  and taking pictures of their stores and knitknats for my photography blog. I can't wait for the day I wake up and I'm proud of myself, when I can look back at the current me as the thing of the past. If only I hadn't squandered so much of my youth and potential  away because of food. Wanting to be a weight loss success story is easy, the follow through is so hard. I'd say mostly because of the length of time it takes. At least for me. Anyways I like to think Ideal/future-self will have everything figured out, he won't, but it's interesting to think of the different, but normal types of obstacles he might face. I'm just so sick of being able normal. Just the...

A brick wall that had flower up top. I singled out the star flower