Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Things are going steady as far as exercise goes I increased the in-door miles Monday and Tuesday to two as planned, the increase wasn't difficult actually.  I might attempt the 3 miles next, however that one is immediately more intense than what Ive been doing, so we will see, and besides a week is a long ways away. Therapy today, I anticipate this wont go well after the talk I had with my mom, I finally let her in on things, she perhaps think I need to go back to the Behavioral Health Pavilion, there were talks about having me forcibly taken there I'm not even sure if that's a thing , it gave me anxiety nonetheless. I was able to defuse the issue by reminding her that I had therapy tomorrow (today). Eating has been good.

Well, this is always baffling to me, and I've noticed this every time I've added physical activity to my routine this year. The week before, weight loss tends to be better. This is no exception. The past week I have done my indoor multi-muscle workout every single day, evening during the weekend (last year I would break during the weekends, so I've never worked out so many days consecutively). Last week I weighted 396.4 pounds, this week, 396.4. Nothing changed! Maintaining is a lack of progress and after a week of adding in exercise I'm more than disappointed. My eating was good. A bit more red meat than usual, and I indulged a bit more on chips than I normally would, but I can't believe these would be a factor in this, I should have lost! Before I go completely crazy and allow myself to get completely lost in the dark haze over this I'm going to re-frame this a bit. Maybe just may -be I've built up some muscle over the week, and maybe  the sodium from th...

I anticipated a gain on Monday's weigh-in. The previous week I gave in to some temptations, and the depression thing hasn't been great, in spite of these things I still lost. I'm currently down to 396.4 . I lost 1.2 pounds last week. This week Ive been doing my Leslie Sansone indoor miles everyday, and even plan to do them through the weekend. I recently deleted my facebook again. It added to my anxiety and I didn't want to able to reach out anybody to during dark times (which is as macabre as it sounds),also I let my friends Nick and Melissa in on how things  were with my depression and anxiety a few weeks ago. I  didn't sugarcoat anything and they were deeply concerned and since have been. Anyways, I regretted telling, not because they reacted poorly but because I just have this anxiety about have something so personal out there . Id just much rather they not know. Friday, Nick popped up at my house randomly to check in on me after realizing my facebook had been...

I'm down 0.6 this week, making my current weight 397.6 . Last week wasn't  particularly stellar. I've had a poor eating week this so far, so I anticipate a gain already for next week. Hopefully I will be in a better place next week. I just kind of got in a sort of "don't care" mentality. I've been having increased anxiety lately  so-much-so that I'm thinking anxiety may actually be my bigger issue between that and depression. If I can just add regular exercise into my routines it would really boost my weightloss but I'm still not mentally there to do my indoor videos, or go walking, and I've considered asking for a planet fitness membership but I've changed my mind. I have been reading my book lately, the Longest Evening Of The Year , and doing my homework for therapy. Those are some good things I guess.

When I was younger, in middle school, think 14-15ish I remember these ads that used to play on TV  for an antidepressant. It showed a white oval moping (sometimes with a little rain cloud) around as the narrator explained how changes in X activities could be symptoms of depression. Ironically that was for Zoloft, the for first  medication I was put on. I also remember those depression hurts ads Those come to mind a lot, I suppose vary by region. I mention all this cause I got to bed at 5pm yesterday because my anxiety and depression were high, and and out of the blue those ads came to mind. Last week I weighed an even 400lbs, last Sunday mom made her homemade pizza, and I knew it was going to have a devastating impact on the scale, I stuck to only have two slices on average a day until Tuesday when I had three to finish it off. I still somehow managed to lose in spite  of the what was sure to be several days of quadruple sodium levels, and one day of being slightly ove...

Been rather drowsy lately, also been feeling, well I don't know how to describe how  Ive been feeling. The nutritionist appointment Tuesday went well, she's always happy to see the numbers go down, even if I'm not satisfied with the numbers, she does do a good job sometimes of putting things in perspective about certain people being over weight and not being able todo simple tasks. Which reminds me I remember a couple years ago when I would be exhausted from walking from one room to another, that's no longer an issue. Even my mom has benefited from me being on..... Whatever this is "journey" if you will. As we were leaving  from the nutritionists she stopped midway heading towards the car and said   I remember when months ago walking from here to the car used to make me exhausted. Now nothing. She has lost weight (overall) along the way as well. This is me attempting to see the bright side . Tomorrow is weight-in, I'm probably in for a gain do to high-s...

It has been quite awhile since I've posted, I do apologize for the long break. I mentioned I think at the start of the year how I didn't want depression to take the drivers seat of the blog the way I felt it had towards the last couple of months of last year. Well recently my depression has  been getting the best of me, and every time I think about blogging I just know it's going to quickly Segway into the depression, or ring some alarms. My  weight loss  recently,  really   all year , but especially the last few weeks, has been slow with  mild yoyo-ing. Last week I officially started using Myfitnesspal religiously again, unlike before, where I used it just that day, I recalibrated my calorie goal. I went from 3400 to 1900. I had a much better week of loss this past week. Last year I took a picture  I don't know if I ended up posting it in the blog, but when I recently wore the same outfit to therapy my therapist thought I looked great (I didn'...

Ugh. Well, on paper, I had a stellar week I went to the gym 4/5 days (Thursday didn't happened) doing 30 minutes everyday on the tredmill. My eating  was good, baked white meat all week, fruits and veggies. The weekend I loosened up a bit I had a cheese burger and baked fries for dinner on Saturday and  the leftover burger Sunday with some chips. So how I do when I stepped on the scale? Absolutely awful! Last week I weighed 410.4, this week... 408.8. I lost a measly 1.6 pounds. Honestly this is frustrating, disappointing, discouraging, and just sickening. I just don't understand. Sigh.. Appointments with my psychiatrist, therapist, and nutritionist week.

So I mentioned Monday that there was a chance that I might go to the gym, but that I was severely anxious about it. I'm proud to say that after I battling with myself all morning  on whether I'd go or not finally I decided once I realized that the anxiety I was feeling would likely not go away if I did not go, as I would take on new levels of anxiety and regret for not going. Monday we set off to planet fitness, my anxiety eased abit until I seen the parking lot was quite packed. We found a spot and made our way in. They took our pictures and then we made our way to the main area, straight to the treadmills. I wasn't sure how long I was going to do, but my friend convinced me todo 30mins, which I set to cardio. This is different from my home videos because obviously I can adjust my pace at any time if I want to slow down, or even stop for a moment I can, but now I'm on a treadmill for 30 consecutive minutes, this is new. I did notice however.... There was a weight ...

The last week was interesting. I did by best to make good eating choices overall. I house and puppy-sat for my friends while they went out of town for the weekend and that was a mini adventure. My friends actually made sure I had healthy food alternatives to eat as I made it a point to let them know that I tend to gain weight with every visit, there was still an abundance of junk food in the house, but now there were healthy options, which I stuck to, such as grapes, baked chicken, steamed veggies etc. My friends brought me back a couple souvenirs from there getaway one being peanut butter fudge, they were worried that I wouldn't eat it, but decided to get it anyways. I had a few bites and decided I'd give the rest to my mom, which I did and in hindsight I regret because only now do I remember her doctors are wanting her blood sugar to come down, and they switched her medicine. Last month after telling my nutrionist how I switched to sugarless cereals like Cheerios, Kix and C...

I gained. Just decided to come right out with it, didn't feel like dragging it out my anxiety is high enough as it is and I don't feel like tiptoeing around it! So yes I gained weight this past week, last week I weighted 414.0 this week I weigh 414.4! Yet another week I've gone in the wrong direction.  It's my fault, I didn't exercise like I should have, and I went to my friends on Thursday and they ordered pizza and I had 3 slices, I immediately knew that pizza had the potential to screw up the entire week. I also knew that I could counter act the pizza by exercising when I got home, but I didn't.  I could have refused the pizza, but I didn't have the willpower. I take full responsibility, that being said, I'm not liking how things are going this year in general. I know I'm dropping the ball.

My lab results came back mostly good. Blood pressure and cholesterol are good. Still no signs of diabetes, the kidney function has improved since last time but isn't 100% were the doctor would like it to be, however, my doctor believes  improvement is good and that and will continue to improve, and the theory now is my kidneys may have been effected by the time I had severe high blood pressure and wasn't being treated, which went on for a least a year. In other news I have to get an MRI on my right knee,  the  knee has been an ongoing issue and I'm almost fearful of what the the MRI might say, or what what the doctor will suggest I might need too do as I'm quite sure it's a ligament issue that will not resolve on its own.