Brandon, Who Lives At Home

How does your typical day begin? What tasks so you normally do, what people do you normally see? What places do you go, what kind of things keep you busy? "Is this my life?" I ask to myself way too often.  I have no hobbies,  and interests are slim. I've realized how much each day looks like the one before it. I'm mostly surrounded in the four walls that makeup my bedroom. I have my 3 meals, I read a few blogs, I watch various YouTube videos, I take naps to fight the overwhelming depression and anxiety at times, later in the day I do my indoor miles, I go to bed. Unless I have an appointment, or the nephews drop by, the formula doesn't change much. This is my existence. Truly it feels like I'm just living for the next weigh-in. I often try to forget that I am 28. I recently rediscovered my plans and aspirations for 2015 which I wrote December 8, 2014. Long before this blog came to be ( well not that long actually ). I don't know if I ever posted it. ...

Well, my brother didn't end making it to our house until around 9:30pm.  He stopped by to see the 3 other  nephews I don't see very often first for several hours. My other two nephews and their mom arrived at my house about 15 minutes before he did. The nephews eased my anxiety a tad. I was under the assumption my brother had gained quite a bit of weight. My mother and nephews mom had been making a big deal about the pant size my brother was wearing now when they had to go shopping for clothes for him several weeks back to prepare for his release. That was sort of a calming thought for some reason. There was a knock at the door, show time! It was my brother... And a cousin of mine, I actually didn't get off the couch (I probably should have mentioned I was in the living room with my nephews and my mom, and their mom awaiting, I felt like someone would have made a big deal if I had stayed in my room with my door shut during his debut) my cousin hugged me first for some re...

Well I found out early today that my brother wouldn't quite be making his debut today because he would have to make several bus trips over several days. This somehow eased my anxiety, I mean why not? For the time-being I'll take prolonging the inevitable, which historically worsens my anxiety . I was told he wouldn't be making it here until around Friday, however later in the day, near the end,  I'm told there has been a miscalculation and he will be home sometime tomorrow. Anxiety currently sky high. Tomorrow will be quite the test, I am quite thankful that I have therapy on the same day, as my mind keeps going to dark places I have actually entertained the possibility of voluntary commitment, of course it would likely derail weight loss and what's the point of being committed if it's just going to make you worse off? Then I'll just end up in a worse off state where I end up on involuntary terms . In other news I had a doctors appointment today, it'...

Last Week started strong and quickly  turned into a steaming pile of something less-than-useful . I had therapy Wednesday and decided to visit Nick and Melissa whom convinced me to dog-sit for them while they went camping. I really was not into the idea, but for some I agreed, mostly because their dog Belle is typically such low maintenance. They were suppose to leave Friday but left a day early, which immediately bugged me as it was not discussed with me until hours before they were to depart. So they left Thursday. Belle, which I've watched before a few months ago, kept using the bathroom in the house (their house) It was as if she completely had been   de- house-trained. I was incredibly frustrated by this as I quickly realized it wasn't the dogs fault, I easily see her sighs that she needs to go out. It's that her owners aren't taking her out enough and she's had so many "accidents" inside and it's becoming all to easy to pick up those familiar  ...

Things are going steady as far as exercise goes I increased the in-door miles Monday and Tuesday to two as planned, the increase wasn't difficult actually.  I might attempt the 3 miles next, however that one is immediately more intense than what Ive been doing, so we will see, and besides a week is a long ways away. Therapy today, I anticipate this wont go well after the talk I had with my mom, I finally let her in on things, she perhaps think I need to go back to the Behavioral Health Pavilion, there were talks about having me forcibly taken there I'm not even sure if that's a thing , it gave me anxiety nonetheless. I was able to defuse the issue by reminding her that I had therapy tomorrow (today). Eating has been good.

Well, this is always baffling to me, and I've noticed this every time I've added physical activity to my routine this year. The week before, weight loss tends to be better. This is no exception. The past week I have done my indoor multi-muscle workout every single day, evening during the weekend (last year I would break during the weekends, so I've never worked out so many days consecutively). Last week I weighted 396.4 pounds, this week, 396.4. Nothing changed! Maintaining is a lack of progress and after a week of adding in exercise I'm more than disappointed. My eating was good. A bit more red meat than usual, and I indulged a bit more on chips than I normally would, but I can't believe these would be a factor in this, I should have lost! Before I go completely crazy and allow myself to get completely lost in the dark haze over this I'm going to re-frame this a bit. Maybe just may -be I've built up some muscle over the week, and maybe  the sodium from th...

I anticipated a gain on Monday's weigh-in. The previous week I gave in to some temptations, and the depression thing hasn't been great, in spite of these things I still lost. I'm currently down to 396.4 . I lost 1.2 pounds last week. This week Ive been doing my Leslie Sansone indoor miles everyday, and even plan to do them through the weekend. I recently deleted my facebook again. It added to my anxiety and I didn't want to able to reach out anybody to during dark times (which is as macabre as it sounds),also I let my friends Nick and Melissa in on how things  were with my depression and anxiety a few weeks ago. I  didn't sugarcoat anything and they were deeply concerned and since have been. Anyways, I regretted telling, not because they reacted poorly but because I just have this anxiety about have something so personal out there . Id just much rather they not know. Friday, Nick popped up at my house randomly to check in on me after realizing my facebook had been...

I'm down 0.6 this week, making my current weight 397.6 . Last week wasn't  particularly stellar. I've had a poor eating week this so far, so I anticipate a gain already for next week. Hopefully I will be in a better place next week. I just kind of got in a sort of "don't care" mentality. I've been having increased anxiety lately  so-much-so that I'm thinking anxiety may actually be my bigger issue between that and depression. If I can just add regular exercise into my routines it would really boost my weightloss but I'm still not mentally there to do my indoor videos, or go walking, and I've considered asking for a planet fitness membership but I've changed my mind. I have been reading my book lately, the Longest Evening Of The Year , and doing my homework for therapy. Those are some good things I guess.

When I was younger, in middle school, think 14-15ish I remember these ads that used to play on TV  for an antidepressant. It showed a white oval moping (sometimes with a little rain cloud) around as the narrator explained how changes in X activities could be symptoms of depression. Ironically that was for Zoloft, the for first  medication I was put on. I also remember those depression hurts ads Those come to mind a lot, I suppose vary by region. I mention all this cause I got to bed at 5pm yesterday because my anxiety and depression were high, and and out of the blue those ads came to mind. Last week I weighed an even 400lbs, last Sunday mom made her homemade pizza, and I knew it was going to have a devastating impact on the scale, I stuck to only have two slices on average a day until Tuesday when I had three to finish it off. I still somehow managed to lose in spite  of the what was sure to be several days of quadruple sodium levels, and one day of being slightly ove...

Been rather drowsy lately, also been feeling, well I don't know how to describe how  Ive been feeling. The nutritionist appointment Tuesday went well, she's always happy to see the numbers go down, even if I'm not satisfied with the numbers, she does do a good job sometimes of putting things in perspective about certain people being over weight and not being able todo simple tasks. Which reminds me I remember a couple years ago when I would be exhausted from walking from one room to another, that's no longer an issue. Even my mom has benefited from me being on..... Whatever this is "journey" if you will. As we were leaving  from the nutritionists she stopped midway heading towards the car and said   I remember when months ago walking from here to the car used to make me exhausted. Now nothing. She has lost weight (overall) along the way as well. This is me attempting to see the bright side . Tomorrow is weight-in, I'm probably in for a gain do to high-s...

It has been quite awhile since I've posted, I do apologize for the long break. I mentioned I think at the start of the year how I didn't want depression to take the drivers seat of the blog the way I felt it had towards the last couple of months of last year. Well recently my depression has  been getting the best of me, and every time I think about blogging I just know it's going to quickly Segway into the depression, or ring some alarms. My  weight loss  recently,  really   all year , but especially the last few weeks, has been slow with  mild yoyo-ing. Last week I officially started using Myfitnesspal religiously again, unlike before, where I used it just that day, I recalibrated my calorie goal. I went from 3400 to 1900. I had a much better week of loss this past week. Last year I took a picture  I don't know if I ended up posting it in the blog, but when I recently wore the same outfit to therapy my therapist thought I looked great (I didn'...

Ugh. Well, on paper, I had a stellar week I went to the gym 4/5 days (Thursday didn't happened) doing 30 minutes everyday on the tredmill. My eating  was good, baked white meat all week, fruits and veggies. The weekend I loosened up a bit I had a cheese burger and baked fries for dinner on Saturday and  the leftover burger Sunday with some chips. So how I do when I stepped on the scale? Absolutely awful! Last week I weighed 410.4, this week... 408.8. I lost a measly 1.6 pounds. Honestly this is frustrating, disappointing, discouraging, and just sickening. I just don't understand. Sigh.. Appointments with my psychiatrist, therapist, and nutritionist week.