Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I'm back home today, after spending the last couple days with friends eating recklessly. I had a very intense dream last night. It was of my mom sobbing and crying telling me she needed me and loved me, she was hysterical. It was as if she had gotten some kind of warning that I might planning or thinking of taking an eternal slumber. I was so confused I couldn't figure out how she would have suddenly found out I was so on edge, no one knows of the blog, my therapist wouldn't wouldn't say anything, and I've been wearing my usual masks I was so thrown. And I didn't know what to say, I remember wanting to say it's going to be alright , but also not wanting to because I genuinely wasn't sure that was true. I remember the weird feeling in my stomach That was my dream, very odd, I don't know what it means. I

Ive been eating more than usual  the past day, lots of chocolatey things, also pizza. I left home yesterday to hangout with Nick and Melissa, I've been indulging in their junk food that I usual resist and even though I actually brought my own healthy food  I decided,  screw it  I'm just going to eat whatever. I ate way too much pizza yesterday, but oh well, I've eaten way too many chocolate cake snacks but oh well, champagne problems I suppose. The working out agenda for the week has been scrapped. Everything is up in the air.

I spent yesterday in just an bad place, I can tell my overall mood is shifting into a general bad place once again. It's oh so familiar. I didn't go to that DBT group yesterday, I didn't do my dumbbell workout at home either, I mostly just layed in bed in a complete funk. I've been feeling very discouraged. Today I didn't end up going to the gym because my mom made a big about having to make so many trips for me (a whole three, gym, therapy, orthopedist) so I just said forget it and ixnay'd the gym all together. This sent me deeper into the current emotional low I've been sinking in lately. Feels like I win small irreverent battles only to realize the war can't be won. I'm  genuinely asking myself what am I doing, why am I doing this? I don't see myself getting to my goal weight so what am I really doing? I'm so tired of this cycle, I'm tired of being so unhappy, it really does feel neverending. I never seem to make a complete turno...

last week seen the debut of the dumbbell workout. I didn't follow as closely to my mostly white meat diet as usual, it's a non-issue in the grand scheme of things. Last week I weighed 373.0, this week I weigh 370.6. I lost 2.4lbs. I didn't expect to lose this week as I said in a previous post, I expected a small muscle/water related gain, but this is a nice surprise. I've already been to the gym today and done my usual routines, it was more crowded than usual, in fact, the machine area and weight bench area was extreme crowded, I've never seen so many people there at once. The people weren't as physically diverse as usual either, they were either very fit, or undeniably skinny. I questioned if I would keep coming would If it were like this or worse all the time, I've never even been there during peak hours. A lot of other things were popping through my head from time to time when the songs on my iPod weren't enough to distract me. I later singled my...

I haven't done too much to be honest, mostly resting, those dumbbell workouts have really worn me out. I'm going to attempt to watch a movie today, we shall see if I do that. I'm feeling a little meh today, just in terms of my overall mood, it's  rather grey outside also, which normally wouldn't have anything to do with anything, but it somehow feels connected today. I'm returning to the gym this week, the plan is to go at least 3 times, I may throw in a dumbbell day at home in there, I'm not sure, or quite possibly do a dumbbell set the same day as a gym day, quite possibly all three days?! That would really be pushing it. It depends on how this weigh-in goes, I have a feeling I'm in for a muscle/water / frustrating related gain... Next week I also have an appointment with an orthopedist after therapy, about my knee. Going to find out exactly what the recommendation is as to remedy the situation.

Today I seen my nutritionist, would have been a pretty routine visit, but my nutrionist, Mary, said something that changed it completely. After I got off the scale she said "Wow yeah, you've been doing something. I see it in your face " My mind was blown, no  I can't see it myself but someone actually said it completely unsolicited, in real life and my face of all places. It was only weeks ago that I cut my beard and sideburns down so that my face would stop creating the illusion of fake definition, and appear its natural true round not -defined self. Yet here comes this complement. It felt very nice, actually, I must say. In other news yesterday I seen my main doctor and we've decided to try going  down on one of my blood pressure medicines, she's not quite ready to take me off anything just yet even though my blood pressure has been perfect or near perfect the last several times I've been there. The decrease  goes into effect next week. Day...

Therapy out the way, we touched down on a lot of subjects today. I felt pretty good afterwords which is pretty rare, even when nothing heavy is discussed I tend to feel emotionally drained and drift towards to the sad spectrum of things for the rest of the day. Dialectical Behavioral Therapy is what the the type of group therapy my psychiatrist is wanting me todo, I discussed it more with my therapist and even agreed to maybe go next week. It would be weekly on Tuesdays, my therapist won't actually have any involvement with the group itself. What to make of this is the question. Before heading to therapy my mom said "you look good today, your hair looks nice." I just looked over at her with a confused, suspicious look for a while. My mom taking slight offense to this then said "you're welcome." Which honestly, I was going to say but  I was so wrapped up in how random that was, and why it happened, that I had not got to saying the thank you yet. I actual...

Nothing particularly interesting to mention. I started logging my food in Myfitnesspal again today, going to try to start using it regularly again. I tend to log into MyfitnessPal daily, but skip tracking food. I'm feeling a little mentally strained today. I had lunch with my friends Nick and Mike at BD's Mongolian Grill, I did very well keeping my meal in the 500 calorie range, by sticking to white meats, veggies and avoiding sauces, my friends easily tripled this number however, but oh well. I created this today... Just something to do The Stars, The Moon, and The Sun

It wasn't a great week, I worked out once, overall morale was low. Eating wasn't terrible, could have used some more vegetables to be honest. Last week I weighed 376.6, this week I weigh 373.0. I lost 3.6lbs. The goal for the week is to do my dumbbell workout at least 3 times, keep my mind busy, read a little, draw a little, I keep hearing about some show called Stranger Things my friend Carlos says it's really good, I probably won't break into any new shows until I break into the ones I'm behind in, however. I see my nutrionist Friday. Short and sweet today.

2013 was really the last year that I played along with everything. I wore my everything is fine mask regularly, hung out with my friends more often even though I questioned why, sometimes even hanging out gave me anxiety. I was still using facebook making sure never to show a photo from the neck down. 2013 the everything is okay here , year. Lets take a brief look back shall we? *** August 11, 2013   August 11, 2013. I think its pretty easy to say that this didn't work out (the first was written, I think with Penultimate app for iPad), very solid outline though. Yes, I used to drink Gatorade like water. Its crazy, I cant remember the last time Ive had one. The plan probably never went active sadly it was probably a Ill start it Monday -thing, or after this, or after that kind of thing. surprising though, its one of the more rational plans. In fact, I had started doing that in 2015 I would have succeeded in the 1st year goal. More interesting is I pla...

Fear & Loathing It wasnt the greatest week, I only worked out on that one day, Monday. I felt no motivation to do it any other day. The past few days, I haven't been able to blog because I havent been able to sort out my thoughts.  My head seems to be constantly underwater, I'm trying to accept family matters, even as I realize home is a melancholy pit. I'm becoming slightly undone, I wish could I be more resilient and assure myself that all of this is going to pay off, and to stay strong and to stick to it. There is a very dark clout around me, a negative space that I really can't shake. I'm reminded a lot lately of my deep depression that kick started my journey in 2014, just in my day to day thinking. A sort of mental agony, wanting so badly to get out of it, out of that life, out of that body, and how I never thought it would get worse than that until it did last year multiple times, and got pretty bad earlier this year too. At the current rate I...

Life is interesting isn't it. Last week a post title had revival in the name, signaling at the very least that my spirits were elevated. It's so interesting how day to day my spirit can radically change, week to week month to month. Optimism is like a flickering light bulb not quite screwed in all the way so it's never going to stay all the way on, but every now and then it lights up for a few seconds longer than usual. Then it's back to the flickering. That's how it is for me anyways. Psychiatry is fascinating, sometimes I imagine a world where I'm thin and I have taken up a career in this field, sometimes. Today I seen my psychiatrist, she increased my Prozac, I will now be at the highest dosage, I do feel like I've slightly dealt with depression overall better these past couple months, than prior. She also doesn't recommend I go back into the job market, she thinks I should continue focusing on the weightloss and also considering going into a g...