Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Im making it back. I'm feeling better overall. I'm actually quite excited where therapy can go from this point forward, it's a new frontier really, but not just for therapy this will be the start of lifting restraints and breaking illusions in all aspects of my life and that is going to be freeing but hard. I will likely tackle the subject here (or attempt anyways)in the coming weeks. Nick and Melissa have been concerned about me. I stayed at their place Tuesday and left early Wednesday because I had therapy, they wanted me to come back but I told them I had a real big session and it depended on how that went and that I'd let one of them know. Well obviously Wednesday had me glued to my bed skipping meals (but keeping hydrated). So they have been checking in on me every day, they have invited me to stay this weekend and I said I would. I decided to do FaceToFace Friday post on Instagram and I didn't fight myself as much as usual, though there was still a little...

Yesterday was rough, today is rough. There isn't going to be any exercising this week, it didn't happen yesterday and I skipped  yesterday's dinner and now today I feel drained and weak and I don't feel like doing anything , so no, there is no chance of any real pshyical activity happening. Therapy  was harder than expected, though everything was brought up that I wanted to bring up. It took me pretty much that whole session to finally do it, I walked out feeling good about it, but later just all my emotions hit me and I was overwhelmed. There went the rest of the day. Today I try to get myself together.

Well Im essentially in a pre-dark haze cocoon, I haven't worked out in two days (this includes today). Not because I'm feeling confident about the recent loss or how I'm eating, but because chronic depression becomes me. I decided to leave the house today and hangout with my friends Nick and Melissa to try to slither out of this cocoon. Getting out of the house was a good idea, but I haven't exactly broken free of the cocoon.

Last week saw me returning to my religious use of MyfitnessPal food tracking to keep an idea of my sodium levels and overall calories, typically I have pretty good idea about sodium (when I'm clearly going over, anyways) , I pretty much know when I've gone overboard, but sometimes there are surprises. I was actually slightly above a few days last week, however the week before last  I was like comically overboard. Also there is a pretty good chance that same week  I went over calories too a couple times, it's interesting just how easy something can seem harmless but, nope, what's done is done. I only worked out 3/5 days last week but it's better than nothing, and I was feeling every bit of those three days. My eating was to back to normal, no fast food, no over-calorie days. So last week I weighed 371.6, and this week I weigh 368.6 . I lost an even 3 pounds. I officially moved out of the 70s. The agenda for this week is to actually workout all 5 days, and st...

The week was rather solid, good even I'd dare to say, all the way up until Thursday, then I just went backwards I couldn't stay in that good zone, I just couldn't. My brother stopped by on his lunch break to, well grab lunch and to talk about his job, he actually recently switched welding companies to one right here in town, and of course the new crew are blown away by his performance ability. I'm quite proud of him, one thing I admire about him is how passionately he talks about it, he pulls out his phone and shows pictures of work he has done, how he had an idea to make the process more efficient, how the crew just lets him go for it cause he is so good. The guy really likes what he does, it's so genuine. It reminds me of my friend Nick who is a produce manager for a major retail chain, he would show me pictures on his phone of his produce department, he tell me how he set up the fruit and vegetable displays and how people loved it and anytime we would go somew...

Keep  your eye on the prize .  The prize is the goal weight and so much more, that's what everything is for. Try not to get so easily distracted when the numbers don't go in the right direction. I've proved I can do this. Seeing is not believing.  Just because you don't see the results doesn't mean they aren't there, there many factors why I don't see the changes visually, but there aren't just visual changes happening . My health has improved as well. Show appreciation for people/moments/things that bring you good times. I don't think I do this enough, just telling someone how much I enjoyed something they did for me, or just being around them, or saying hey, this was really fun (not that that happens very often) or that was very nice . Just hey, you are valued. Loosen ties with people now that you are questioning the validity of friendship with.  My circle of friends  isn't particularly large so the thought of it getting smalle...

Yesterday I made it to the gym, I did 60 minutes on the treadmill clocking in over 5k steps apparently. I did the next hour on the machines, chest-press and leg-extension. Then I was out of there. They were once again very busy, my anxiety was quite high. While I was still on the treadmill I was actually contemplating on whether or not I was even going to walk over to the machines and equipment area at all because it was so crowded. I just kept hoping it would it would shrink down by the time I got off, it didn't. I lustered up the courage to go over there though, but at one point at the chest-press machine while racing with anxious thoughts I had to turn my music up almost to its peak volume to drown out my own thoughts. Normally I don't need my music to be that loud, I typically don't like the idea of someone else being able to hear my music but this time I didn't care. I unfortunately forgot my water bottle at home so needless to say I did not stay properly hydrated....

It's really interesting what happens to me when I gain, as little as a pound or so, I always feel as though I can see it somewhere like immediately in my face (the worst place) or I can just feel it, some  cloths feel less loose than before. Its funny how that works when I gain I see it almost immediately, losing well Ive had very few instances where I've actually acknowledged the possibility of loss aside from the numbers. I guess why I'm bringing this up is since I'm still up by a pound, yesterday I glance in the mirror and just felt like my face was fatter than ever, and was kind of blown away at what just one pound could do. Granted I do have body dysmorphic disorder, and a one pound gain could be contributed to a number of things so this could be all in my head , still, I swear my face is fuller and rounder and plumper. Today I'm going to go the gym, yesterday I didn't workout at all, I kept putting it off until later and later, then I just didn't fee...

Yesterday turned out to be quite interesting, you see,  I ended up  mowing the grass in the backyard, my brother came to cut the grass Saturday but only cut the small front yard. I was pressured to cut the back yard I just agreed, but a thunder storm rolled in and I had to put it off until Sunday. So Sunday afternoon I decided to just get it over with,  I already knew this was going to be a struggle and I didn't want to have to look forward to it during any other day of the week. I got started after 1:30pm, it was well over 90 degrees, I decided it would be a good day to wear my black sweats and a black shirt (not the greatest decision).  I was sweating profusely, I had to keep taking breaks and drinking water I had massive headache. I probably should have called it quits early into the mowing process but I did not want to have to think about this again. I finished the task after 4pm 1500+ steps later. I felt rather ashamed, I could imagine what the neighbors mu...

Once again it somehow seems I found my way to the brink of yet another week. I didn't do too much this weekend, I got to see my nephew Kieryn, that was a treat. Literally the first thing he did when he walked in the door was asked where I was at, that felt pretty good. This past week eating wise was any improvement but not ideal, I think I took in too much sodium, I didn't get to the gym the 3 times I wanted either so this weigh-in might actually be another upset which I really just don't need . I do plan on changing things up a bit this week, indefinitely. My calorie goal has dropped down by almost 300, going to start eating boiled eggs and toasts for breakfast maybe with jam and oatmeal still figuring that out. I'm going get on a fixed medicine schedule, I take my morning meds at such varying times each day, now I'm just going to make sure that I have an exact time from now on. Exercising will be a daily thing now, no more every other or skipping days. Resume po...

More than ever perhaps it's become clear to that the road to recovery isn't going to be an easy one. And I'm just talking about my mental health, it's been a struggle truly, but the past week it has felt like I've made the right steps in the right directions. So when I found myself knee deep in melancholy recently I really had to decide between a burst of incredibly self-destructive impossible, and simultaneously rational lucid, thoughts . I made it through by consciously deciding to go with the rational side of things. Slowly things came together and the seemingly distorted picture of my life got a bit  of clarity. These battles are happening quite often, I have to ask myself am I strong enough for this, do I even want this any more? I get through them but the answers aren't always crystal clear. I still don't know where my weight loss is going, major weight loss success stories or transformations give me anxiety now I just genuinely don't think I wil...

I watched the first episode of the Netflix show Stranger Things , I'm already hooked. It'll be a nice diversion from things. Today I also went to see the kidney specialist, that was a mixed bag. It's going to be a bit of a long stretch before any definite answer is given. Right now things aren't looking terrible, there are quite a number of factors that could have lead to the way my kidneys are reading the way they are, one being that antibiotic I was taking for my skin condition for such a long time, my once higher weight and high blood pressure going undiagnosed and so severely high. Still isn't  exactly alarming, also my urine test proved fine as well. We are going do some lab work, an ultrasound of my kidneys, and some other things in the coming weeks/months.