Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I was strolling through my cloud again, looking for old photo edits to add to my Tumblr when I suddenly realized I had wondered very deep down the rabbit hole, I went down to 2010 and seen several videos that I simply had forgot existed. They were from when I had tried up (and failed) another attempt at being healthy and dieting and recording my progress via YouTube.  I also lived at an apartment at the time that offered a gym for free, it was tiny, but free. I do remember going there early in the morning for at least a week, I remember doing treadmill and some dumbbells, not staying very long. My mom also went. I remember I exceeded the weight of the treadmill its maximum weight was around 350, though I didn't know my weight, I knew I wasn't 350, and after a while the the machine would start smelling of  burned rubber. In the original  clip I was breathing so heavily but to get 15 minutes means I had to have worked up from 5, and 10, so this was quite t...

A strange week begins to conclude. My mom had her surgery to have that kidney stone removed Wednesday (turns out there were two), she was released Thursday, she's in a bit of pain but she's doing well. The procedure went well, she sees her doctor today for a follow up and to have a drainage tube removed. I didn't go to therapy Wednesday. My eating this week has been a mixed bag. I have not been able to get very motivated or stay very motivated. I'm predicting a less than stellar weigh-in come Monday which is not something I'm looking forward to. I've only worked-out three times, all of which were my home dumbbell workout. I accompanied mom to her doctors appointment today. On the way, out of  a train of thought I decided I'm going to stop discussing my issue with how I look, or really , the issue with how I don't see the changes or if they're happening. I think I've gotten the point across, I hate how I look, I pretty much hate me (that...

A few weeks ago my friend Melissa's aunt committed suicide. Her death shook her family to the core, and even though she had attempts with suicide throughout her life as early as a teenager and as recently as earlier this year, the family had, and is having a hard time coping with her passing. When I went to hangout with Nick and Melissa that week it was a bit awkward, anytime I hear anything about suicide I enter a weird place, but typically it doesn't hit this close to home I know that her aunt was an emotionally torn person that didn't feel her family loved her (I've been there), I also know that Melissa's  family is actually very nice and her aunt took on some rather destructive habits and introduced people into her life that enabled those habits. I know she must have already had some pretty distorted thinking, that those bad habits only amplified. When I was first talking to Melissa about it she was so upset, and confused, the word selfish kept coming up a ...

I can't like myself I can't believe in myself I can't be in a positive space about myself. I recently got comment on Instagram last week where someone said I was their role model. That's a pretty powerful thing to say, in fact that means I'm having the right effect though, that means I'm inspiring people. The heft of some the things being said doesn't register to the affect they should. I think it's because of this wall I have up against myself. I've been seeing so many things  about weight loss journeys and liking and/or believing in yourself for them to workout, I was on someone's Instagram page today where I seen a post that said you can't wait to be thin , and I felt  I was being directly called out (obviously I wasn't). Still I'm realizing that the way I've been going about this isn't going to continue to work. Depression monster got the best of me today. I can't pinpoint anything that's triggering me. So...

I haven't daydreamed about the finish line in quite some time. I suppose it has everything to do with my image issues, and also the fact that I'm simply not sure if I'll get there. I've been wondering when I'll  feel like I'm almost there , I'm thinking it's probably going to be when I'm in the 200s. the 200s really will be the last full one hundred I have to work off, and plus the goal weight is a little tiny island view away in the process. I just need to get there, unfortunately I have 64lbs to lose of the 300s still. @ObeseToBeast I see those amazing before and after photos where one is clearly of them at their heaviest and one is of them now unmistakably thin and I get very anxious and just have to move on, my mind just won't let me envision that for myself yet. It's been very interesting going on this odyssey for so long having for the most part felt like the changes that have happened were minimum, but kept going anyway...

Ive decided to go to bi-weekly weigh-ins, therefore I won't be weighing in this coming Monday. This is just for mental health measures. A bad weigh-in simply wreaks havoc on my entire week, so now this new system is in place to kind of balance me out. I'm not particularly fond of weeks where I maintain, but I tend to handle them well, however when I gain everything hits the fan. I'm not sure if I've ever gained weight two weeks in a row, at least not in the current year. This new system ideally should ensure that I don't see the numbers go up unless it's muscle related, (and granted even determining that's a tricky slippery slope) Suddenly it's October it's that time of the year where I begin realizing what I actually won't be able to achieve by the end of the year and my anxiety takes the wheel. Somehow we are on the precipice of a new year already, in just 3 months it's over.  I'm still in the high 300s, in terms of numbers I cert...

All this so called progress, just to potentially go so many steps back because of those crushing words...                   Today was a pretty good day up until that point. I came home this morning after spending the night over at Nick and Melissa's. I only just came out to them that night, it went perfect, as far as coming out goes it's been a incredibly smooth process. Everyone has been great about it. I came home this morning knowing I had to see my psychiatrist and my therapist. When I seen my psychiatrist and caught her up to date on things she was quite thrilled with how I've progressed, it's quite funny, I immediately thought of comments on the blog here as she said how I've come a long way, she was particularly pleased to see that I'm noticing faults like my distorted thinking and things like weigh-in day (which are Mondays) effecting my week. I've never seen my psychiatrist that happy, it ...

It's been an interesting weekend, yesterday I chopped my beard because I thought it was making my face look bigger. I was looking at selfies from a few months ago and a more recent one and I could swear the recent one looked 50lbs heavier. This is rather interesting development because the last time I cut my beard I cut it because I thought my beard made my face look thinner, and I didn't  want that false impression being sent out into the world. However after cutting it this time I was just in a bad place, maybe I just don't like my face I don't know. This picture is from February, when I thought it was making my face thinner. It  accentuates my chin, and conceals my double chin, while outlining my face creating the illusion of definition. Yesterday I also got around to going to see my father at the assisted living home, that wasn't as awkward as expected. Seems I've moved pasted the resentment I've had towards him. It was a pleasant visit. I stay...

So the numbers don't lie, I may have problems with how I look overall but the data is clear (and honestly it's harder to admit than you'd think) I've lost weight over 170+ LBS in the last year 200+ overall. Those are some rather high numbers and some might  might find this kind of loss inspiring. I know there was a time in my life when I simply thought that I reached a point of no return, that there was simply no way to lose the weight without radical intervention. I'm talking a surgical procedure, some type of one-off competition tv show or some other extreme measure. I felt hopeless. Somehow at my lowest point I decided I wanted a different life than what I'd been experiencing and it started with losing weight from what seemed an impossibly high starting point, but I couldn't wait for the lbs to lose themselves. So I took action like I had many times before, but knowing it could not end up like the many times I tried before, this had to be different, I...

I reckon it's time I finally discuss the big misery topic I've been so vague about the last few weeks. It's pretty much come full circle now, after a lifetime wait I decided to address it. First in therapy, then to two select friends (not the two you might think), and just recently with my mom. Now I suppose I will here. Obviously it took me a very long time to get to this point, but in the past few months I truly realized I wasn't going to truly be happy  or make any real progress in terms of my mental health if I kept having to repress who I was around other people, if I couldn't just be myself a little bit more. I started truly realizing how much these things mattered. It's hard enough masking your emotions  but masking a whole part of your identity puts an incredible strain on your life, and might be why my depression tends to yoyo so dramatically. Perhaps those days are behind me because finally at 28 I'm ready to be myself, be brave, be honest ...

I went to see my doctor today, it's time to redo a lot of my lab work, also I need to start doing the labs for the kidney specialist. The doctor greets me with a congratulations she says I see you hit the 200 mark on our scale.  I wasn't sure at all what she was even talking about so  curiously I replied,  200?  Suddenly thinking "does she somehow think I'm 200 freaking pounds?!" which  would have given me a devastating amount of anxiety having to clear up that I'm, in fact,  not 200 lbs all of a sudden, but still well into 300s. However she says,   you've lost 200 lbs see , she moves a computer monitor that shows my highest recorded weight of 567, and todays of 367. It was a perfectly even 200, she goes on to say well you've probably lost more on your scale , ironically or not, no, because I've only been going by the date I knew my exact weight which wasn't until last year, but I always say I think I reached the border of or just over 600 off ...

So right away I gained weight this week, an even 2lbs to be exact. Last week was tangled in terms of overall eating, I stayed within calories but then there were days when I had unusual things like a flat-bread pizza that wasn't at all geared to the healthy side of things, I had Chinese food for the first time in over a year last Tuesday, and it's just been a mixed bag of questionable little additions that I know I should probably avoid but then didn't like Reese cups when I'm at my friends . There was no exercising so that didn't help either, I'm actually in a very poor place with this gain, not that I've ever taken a gain particularly well regardless of the circumstance. I just see numbers going up and I immediately feel like I'm failing, and see the goal weight slipping further away, and of course my depression monster has been taking its multivitamins  and is ready to skewer every thought in my head! Worse is it's all my fault, I know I jus...