Brandon, Who Lives At Home

I've been gone for a bit from blogging, it ties in perfectly with my commitment or lack thereof to my weightloss journey. It has completely took a 180 in the worse way. In june things started to come to a head. I was having binging episodes every other week that eventually turned into every week, by October I had completely reverted back to my old self. Using food to cope with any and everything, and mindless binging and gorging until I felt absolutely disgusting. The last week weeks of December I had a binge pretty much every day. Ive gained an absolutely absurd amount of weight in a very short time. My lowest was 322, I'm currently up to 371. I haven't been on a weightloss journey in the last month to be honest. December I out did myself with just how much I could binge, how many days I could binge, and how miserable I can make myself feel. I fully realize I'm on the path to complete regain. I have to stop this  now. I have to get my head in the game, now. If I don...

Is now. Years ago, just after I first made this blog I had gotten a very mean-spirited and destructive letter from my my grandma. I've kept that letter as a constant reminder of how completely clueless my family was to my internal battles of depression. That letter nearly killed me. Recently I got into a shouting match with my brother about him and his sons eating of my food and how the budget realistically and by all means technically, didn't cover 4 people it covers 2. I had discussed the issue with my therapist earlier in the day, and she said I should definitely say something about it. I warned her that I knew it wouldn't go over well. It didn't. Well along with being called selfish for suggesting they get their own food (because there is literally none in the house right now because of the addition of them) I was called a useless fat lazy slob among other things. That was maybe the first time is been called fat directly to my face in years. Several things ...

In every train wreck there is a point when the wheels come off the tracks. That is the point I'm at right now. Its interesting, my blog doesn't get half the traffic it got earlier this year or last. I suppose that's partially my fault, I've taken writing hiatus' several times this year for extended periods of time, and I just haven't been as successful as I have been in previous years. All my trials are reductive, its the same thing rehashed to lesser or greater affect. My weight has been stalled for months, I'm not progressing. I'm all washed up and I think a lot of the original readers seen that and jumped ship. I don't blame them. Right now I'm back in my annual holiday dark haze, I'm miserable and unhappy and lonely, and, useless and ugly and its all coming to a head. I see my psychiatrist Wednesday and idk how that will go, I'm pretty unhinged right now. I've had fantasies of going on one last giant disgusting binge ...

I can't live without the internet, but its killing me. Some of my favorite people on Tumblr and Instagram trigger my body shame and self hatred. Its wanting to look like some of these people so bad. I just end up feeling disgusting and I end up binging my feelings and then I spiral into a very bad place. But without these platforms I also feel insignificant like I'm missing out. Like no one would notice or care if just disappeared one day. I don't know what to do, I have kept going in extreme circles because of various trigger events. I'm just not happy with my body. I only look decent in that black hoodie. My fat placing makes my body so awkward I hate taking photos in bright or soft colors. There just doesn't seem to be away to get passed this. I've considered just straight blogging. No internet usage aside from that. Delete all my social media apps and just stay away from the majority of the internet world. I know that if I do these it will initi...

I realized today that the big eating holidays are right around the corner. Its trouble considering my recent history. That makes it even more important that I keep control over my eating and stay on track.  I want to be able to eat freely on thanksgiving so I need to stay on track now so the damage won't send me higher than where I currently am now as of today 325, I went up to 334 after last weeks bender but now were back in good range. Now I just have to allow myself to break out of this bracket. I took the day off from the gym today, plans to resume tomorrow. I have laid out some good meal plans for the foreseeable future that if I stick to will result in consistent loss. Of course consistency this year has not been great. My mind is in the right place I will just have to truly fight my former self not to break routine.

We are officially two days into my fast. Will I go for the full 72, its quite likely. My mind is in a very calm place.. Its almost like not eating at all is less stressful. Today I hit the gym once again, had a rather nice session too.  I've been watching horror movies. 28 days later, 28 weeks later, I'll eventually get to dawn of the dead (2004), then fear the walking dead. Plus some other spooky flicks. Not too much to report on.

So after a week of diet destruction I've decided I once again want to be skinny. So the journey continues. The past few days continued my binging bender. Yesterday I ate a dozen donuts among many other things. While feeling disgusted I decided I had enough. Food seems completely unappealing to me right now. Ive decided to do a 48-72hr fast. While also hitting the gym. I've already hit the gym today and I'm feeling good. I'm terrified to step on the scale so I won't until Wednesday or Thursday. The goal is to occupy myself. Movies, music, gym etc. Once the fast is over. Its back to kicking ass and taking names. I'm no longer going to restrict myself. In fact I'm going to create a reward system. And an off day, that way everything doesn't seem so forbidden and taboo.

Well it's day 3 of my descent into failed weight loss, total regain, precautionary tale. I've put two overloaded peanut butter and jelly sandwiches down my gullet, a banana and a yogurt. But who's keeping track lol. I'm not too scarred of going back to be 600lbs at the moment. Perhaps my time losing was only ment to be temporary. Like taking a college campus our. I was just here to get an idea of the experience but at the end of the day, go back home. My plan is to binge out on chips today, buy a box of half dozen donuts and eat them all. And have a nice pizza for dinner My ugly face just before my misguided blonde ambition

*This has been sitting in my drafts for weeks now and even though my recent post pretty much summed everything up. This does s better job* I haven't posted much over the last several months mostly cause I have such little to say and feel so unmotivated to write. That being said, its been many highs and lows, my current weight is 324. I could be out of the 300s if not for the cycle of binge eating and desatructive restricting loop I got myself stuck in. Anytime ive been this close to breaking out of the 320s I do something that rockets me back into the 330s for weeks. I think a large part of my lack of motivation is that I just don't feel like someone who has lost 200lbs and that's because all of my clothes are old, even the smaller stuff I have is old, it was either my brothers or my friends, but I really haven't had that moment where its like "wow." Me and my therapist were talking about this for several weeks, I really need a new wardrobe. I just cant af...

I've gone off the deep end. My weight has continued to yoyo because every time I get to a near new low, I immediately derail. Currently I've been on a two day long binge-eating bender. I can't seem to resist the urge to over indulge in sugary foods. Then once I do all bets are off I'm gulping down anything and everything. My once patented ironclad willpower, gone, perished. Now I'm in limbo, I'm depressed and frustrated and I don't know if I can keep this up. I've been considering just diving back into the loving accepting arms of food. I'm just in a place right now where either I'm fully in or fully out and I've been out for 2 days now and one foot out for weeks before that. Well the good news I'm back to blogging. That's my ugly ass, and don't ask about the hair I thought I could pull it off like Odell. I was so wrong

For awhile now I've had this idea in my head that things were just a lot easier when I used food as a way to cope with any situation. You're supposed to replace that habit with something healthier when yo embark on a weight loss journey, but I just left an empty void there. A void that I believed at times was worth the weight because at least when I had a situation that was hard for me, I could instantly urn to food, it was always there to console me. This past week I gave up on my weight loss journey and truly dived into the deep end, I binged and binged, I had fast food, and sugary treats, you name it, all in excess. One thing I told myself during all his is its nice to just be carefree again, its nice to have my confidant, food, back. I may end up miserable but at least at certain times I could make it go away while eating. The truth is, while I was doing all this binging and destructive eating I just felt empty, I kept waiting for that feeling of bliss and comfort I w...

The Journey ended 7/25/17. I reached my breaking point with myself and just decided to call it quits. My heart is obviously not in it anymore. I've been on a food-bender ever since, eating what I can only assume are billions of calories a day, I haven't  been tracking. I guess you can say I'm completely prepared to revert back to my old self, both in size and habits. I had to deactivate my Instagram account because I just couldn't pretend everything was going okay, and because I really didn't want to let a lot of people down by announcing I was done. So its gone, as well as my Facebook. So what now? There isn't much I can say beyond what I've already said, the journey I embarked on was too much, I gave it a go, but in the end my ideal self at my goal weight just wasn't possible, I'm just another failed attempt at weight loss, a precautionary tale really. Now I eat myself numb to oblivion. Its over.