Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Today I'm feeling bitter and emotional. Not at myself but at other people and their actions. A friend if mine was very short with me for a week and it didn't improve over the last. I'm just completely removing myself from that situation. Really though it's my two friends who are dating but I basically only talk with one of them unless I go over there. The relationship is toxic and she knows it and I believe resents me for being honest about it, and despite being torn down and emotionally broken time and time again, won't leave. Meanwhile, he is steady gaining weight. He is nearing 500lbs. I hear he goes to workout sporadically. I find this odd because he has never asked me to join. Hes never been consistent, but it bothers me considering I was not shy about how far I'd fallen. Another problem is he idolizes these guys from his work. But they are piss poor morally human beings. Types of individuals I'd never associate with. Because I have principles. But ...

Sugar Addiction Today we'll talk about my sugar addiction. Its no secret that I have a binge eating problem, and the root in recent times is all things sugar. The last few years I definitely lost control over my will to remain in a healthy relationship with these types of foods and I returned to very unhealthy coping mechanisms, so sugar became a Mainstay of my life again very recently. Last year I definitely snowballed out of control. I could eat anywhere from 3000, 5000 or 10000 calories in sugar a day and then do it all again the next day, and the next, and the next. The reason could be that I'm upset or happy or that I'm bored or perhaps I'm celebrating whatever it may be,  once I'm  eating a trigger it just keeps coming. Stopping that is really the issue, and I find that very hard to do. I don't eat  for hunger, that I know. I've binged before with absolutely no appetite, hell, even during some binges I've been bored. I most recently...

Tod ay's post was just going to be a rant about how my family just doesn't give a damn about me. How little effort or concern was put in concerning the flu. But never mind. Today I'm at about 60% so I'm not really sick anymore, but my body is still weakened from the battles soup diet it endured. I had to walk to my doctors s appointment today, I really wasn't feeling up for it but everyone was busy. My doctor basically told me I'm too late, that there's basically nothing to do now that it's over. *Sigh* The flu normally lasts a week I was told, and my exercising likely irritated it along the the week. My body must have been fighting wicked hard. I have a high threshold of pain so those aches and pains that didn't quite feel right I had been feeling were red flags. The fact that Friday and Saturday were so unbearable tells me two things. 1, my body did an amazing job for almost a week exactly fighting it, it could have been like that all week. And...

Turns out I have the flu. Last night things hit a fever pitch. The vomiting, projectile by the way, started, headache, chills. The body aches had hit an all-time high. I've been absolutely miserable and to think that I thought this whole time it was because I returned working out. I had the symptoms of the flu this whole time and this is where I'm at. I've been in bed all day I'm terrified to eat anything I've been drinking of course all those fluids leave quite quickly. I think I'm making some chicken noodle soup later but I doubt I will, it's an absolute chore to stand upright. It's a chore to lay in certain position, literally laying on my stomach with my blanket over me is the best position I found. That doesn't last for too long. My muscles are sore and achy that I can't have my legs bent in certain ways because my knees hurt so much that I can't think straight. I don't know what it does but it just hurts worse. So that's the...

My body is so achy it seems un - natural.  It's in my lower back, my knees , upper legs and shoulders. I struggled through yesterday's workout bad. It almost seems to have gotten worse by the day. I didn't work out Tuesday. Today is Thursday. Yesterday I hit the gym for the first in months, since the crack of January, and it was incredibly rough. I attempted doing the elliptical and could only luster a total of 15 minutes nonconsecutive. First round did just over 11 and felt disgusted. After I hit the rowing , chest press, and seated leg press machines I decide to try to redeem myself on the elliptical. I made it exactly 4 minutes...*sigh*It was the biggest flop I've ever had returning to the gym, cardio is my forte, so I was just really feeling bad inside. Also, I kid you not! This older man literally looked at me  and did one of these numbers But more jackassier. I'm trying not to get discourage I really am, but its like now that I'm back on track the...

I've gotten back in control. The last few days I've been doing my 60minute workout, tracking my calories, drinking my water, and eating below my calorie range, and eating healthy. I believe I'm having sugar withdrawal, I've experienced a killer headache, cravings out the wazoo and muscle aches and pains. I know it will eventually pass but it's no fun at all. It's especially important I Stay away from sugar loaded things. My action plan is to continue this for weeks before making changes. The plan is as followed. I eat within an hour of waking up, I eat a lunch and dinner. Light snacks in between if necessary to curve hunger and avoid binges No trigger foods : donuts, cookies, snack cakes, honey buns, candy bars, peanut butter, pop tarts, granola bars, cold cereal Workout a min of 4 days a week. Mix between, home workouts and the gym. Log my food It sounds simple enough, but it never is. Blind perseverance will have to get me through, because t...

It's been rough getting back into the swing of things. In fact I really haven't. Perhaps I just recently got the motivation to put forth the effort, but I must come clean. I actually started the process of looking into WLS last year, it's been on going, but basically I've been going through the process to get it. However since the beginning I never decided if I actually wanted it though, I still struggled with the concept. I continued on with my appointments regardless, and I kept gaining weight. Quite a bit since October when I originally started the appointments. I had a recent visit with one of the physicians looking over the process and he basically told me that my insurance would never approve the surgery with the weight I've gained. I knew that discussion was going to come up but it was harder feeling the disappointment and confusion  from the doctor when he was going through a graph that showed my sharp incline. Did I ever want it? I think I wanted to ...

I'll be spending my Sunday organizing and switching together my action plan for weightloss  going forward. Did run into a bummer, the wristband replacement I ordered off Amazon was dud. So once again, no smart watch, more bummer, last week watching those heathen dogs I dropped my phone and now the glass where the back cameras are is all cracked up so pictures are sort of ixnay. I could take these as signs to wallow in pity and just tack on another 100 days of binges, but I'm just going to go forward. I didn't have a phone when I first started or a smart watch. That being said I may look into getting some kind of sponsorship this go around. I've seen some people on Instagram with them some people whom have made very little progress but have large followings, which irked me. But yes, Monday will be a very tough turning point as I put whatever I have cooked up.

Ugh doctors are interesting. Sometimes you have to just let them hear themselves talk, or  to insist to you how, or that you're wrong. The guy I seen yesterday insisted on talking to me like I was just any lazy fat person who was clueless about weightloss. I had to remind him  over and over yes I'm on the uptick but I've lost over 200lbs, I know how and what to do. He insisted on saying things like it's as easy as just doing this , just change your bad habits, just replace food with something else just do this, just do that . Just do it, and stop not-doing, it Yeah okay sir, anyways I did get to see my weight for the first time in awhile and it was shocking. Not quite ready to announce that number yet, I feel both compelled to get it down and also overwhelmed by just how high it is. In other news, Ive received a few messages from some of the people still in the php program.  Most recently, just yesterday said that it sux without me, I feel so conflicted by...

It's midweek. I've found myself questioning why I've taken on the task of doggsitting like I do every time. This time I'm just annoyed by things. They have a clear and abundant ant 🐜 problem, that means drop anything and you're swarmed. Not just that but they are just everywhere in general, littering the floor in the the kitchen, both bathes and are just everywhere. I'm so irritated by it. I won't be dealing with this again, I don't do bugs! I'm going to stop there about the pooch sitting cause this would just be one l ong post about every issue that's gotten under my skin. I have a doctors appointment today, it's looking into the weightloss surgery. There have been no decisions and won't be one, I'm just exploring. In other news that's a bit motivating, I have replaced the band for my smart watch, so there is that. So now once I begin lining things up, the dominoes will fall more easily. Having a smart and/or fit watch dur...

I'm dog-sitting until Friday . I'm feeling a bit 7more like myself someone I'd like to be . I'm laughing a hit more, joking a bit more. Just feeling a lot more okay. I do find myself having moments of sudden bouts of dread. Just feelings of "it'll all end up the same" "I'm still this" "I'm still that" and I have to immediately rethink. Not let myself stay there, not let myself entertain the thoughts. I'm still not eating right but I'm planning to put a close to my bad chapter by weeks end officially and begin getting back on track. Exercise, tracking the works.

Yesterday was amazing. I never got so many hugs. I felt like Beyonce for a day. I was sent off with ice cream. One member made me a poem, another gave me a sketch book and pastels cause she knows I like to draw and I doodled a lot during session, someone selected a song for us to listen to because the night before they heard it on the radio and the song "makes me think of Brandon, cause he makes me smile." the song was September by Earth, Wind & Fire . It's such a upbeat song and so infectious, I was so touched. We were all dancing in the room whilst having discussions about confrontational wordage that instantly makes people defensive, even if you're rightly  addressing something wrong they did. I.E y ou always ... Or you didn't , You statements makes people defensive and tune out. But "I" makes things more neutral ground. I feel like you didn't listen to me ...." I'm not sure why I've added all that. back on topic,  3 people to...