Homework For Therapy


Deservability exercise

Answer the following questions as best you can. They will help you understand the power of deservability

1. What do you want that that you're not having

A nice social life, having lots of supportive friends. Having things to do regularly. Going places, seeing things, enjoying life.

2. What were the rules/laws in your home about deserving? What did they tell you?

Honestly I do not know, it was a bit of a mixed bag, on one end I remember as a child that working hard for something means you deserve an award or praise, and if you were bad then the bad things that would inevitably happen to you were deserved. I was mostly spoiled so I actually didn't have to earn a lot of the things I deserved. I don't think my mother felt deserving, she had rather turbulent relationships both with family and her significant other, that I think made a lasting impression on her and the way she viewed herself.

3. Do you feel like you deserve?

Not really, I feel like things like love, happiness and success are reserved for the thin. I've felt like I deserved being miserable because of my weight. Although as I lose weight, I feel like I'm  working to be able to deserve and/or deserve a little more each time the scale goes down

4. Do you deserve to live

................

5. What do you have to live for?

...............

6. What do you deserve?

I don't know. Honestly I've hated how my life has played out the last 20 years, but part of me feels like it's what I deserved, punishment for being so big. I just don't know if I deserve anything good until I lose the weight. This is backed up by all the thin people of the world going on about there lives on a daily basis, mingling, chasing dreams, having fun, fitting in. That's not to say they don't have issues, but I wish I could go down to just being some guy with issues, but on top of my issues I have this weight, this socially crippling, criminal amount of weight. I'll always be the elephant in the room.

Comments

  1. Your weight doesn't define you, Brandon. It is part of you, but it's not all of you.

    Do you think other overweight people don't deserve love or happiness or success? Would you say to me "you don't deserve your lovely husband and beautiful children, there is no way they could love you, you are too fat, they should leave you right now and find a thinner wife/mother, and then you should probably kill yourself"??? Would you? I'm hoping not. Or would you say I'm not as fat as you are so I get a husband, just not a really nice one, I deserve a small measure of happiness because I'm only moderately obese. I really hope you would say that I have other qualities that are more important than my fatness. So please extend the same kindness to yourself.

    Weight is a health issue and, yes, an aesthetic issue too (how good you look) because our current society thinks thin looks better. But looking good and being healthy isn't the be all and end all. Stephen Hawking is about the smartest person in the world and very highly respected. He is shrivelled and slumped in a wheelchair with his jaw all sideways and can't even talk without a computer. Even with all that, his appearance STILL isn't the most important thing about him.

    Now it occurs to me that you could say "Well I'm not smart either so I still deserve nothing." I don't know you that well so I don't know all your good qualities. But from reading your blog you seem like a really lovely person. You write well, you are good to your nephews, you do have friends, you are trying to turn your life around.

    Cultivate yourself as a person, aside from your weight. Be Brandon. Be nice to yourself as well as to others.

    Sorry for the rant.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perfectly acceptable rant, no I don't think other overweight people aren't worthy of happiness, or love, and I certainly wouldn't say those things about you. I've developed a rather nasty complex against myself, I feel like I did something wrong, this might be more deep rooted than just weight, but that's what it manifests itself as. It's hard to explain, its an inward only type of outlook, that is very toxic I know, but is very much specific to me. Those that have found love and happiness deserve it, and perhaps there is a non-weight related reason I don't deserve those things.

      It's not just about looks, I don't think I'm an attractive person in the slightest, and I know that losing the weight won't suddenly make me a heartthrob. But it will give me a chance to walk into a place and not feel like I'm too big, or people are making snap judgments about me because if my weight, to just be normal, to be some guy in a sea of people. To be able buy cloths, go on rides at theme parks, fit comfortably in seats. It's that comfort I want, and that social acceptance.

      Nevertheless my outlook on myself isn't an outlook on obesity or overweight people. It's just centered around myself, it's irrational, illogical and complicated.

      Delete
  2. I agree with Natalie that cultivating yourself as a person will help as you lose. From my own experience, a huge weight loss does change your life but doesn't change everything.

    Under number five, don't forget to think about what you might like to do as a career in the future. Since you're losing weight young, you still have so many options available. Maybe start taking some baby steps in that direction like an online class. That way it shouldn't impact the social anxiety and you can see what areas interest you.

    ReplyDelete

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