Brandon, Who Lives At Home

Yesterday I suffered a dizzy spell, or episode, like no other. It was after therapy which went swell, I'm really getting a lot out of it, and  lately my emotional state seems overall better balanced than before I sought counseling. Back to the point, I was at home, hours later I was in my room on the computer, resting my back, and my mom told me dinner was done. I finished what I was doing popped up and proceeded to head into the kitchen, but as I made my way towards the doorway of the living room I felt lightheaded, so I stopped to kind of collect myself for a moment. I remember tracing my hands along the framing of the doorway, and the next thing I know I hear my mom yelling and screaming my name, I had completely passed, fainted, whatever you want to call it. I fell backwards hard into the hallway closet door and then to the floor. Apparently as my mom was panicking and yelling my name I was unresponsive and jerking, she described it like  I was having a seizure or stroke...

I don't know what caused it but I woke up with terrible lower back pain, so severe that I can't even stand upright for very long. I have a very high threshold of pain and don't throw around that phrase loosely, but I had to pop some ibuprofen to reduce the pain. To aid to a less than stellar start I had to come to terms with the fact that last night I had broken my few months old new glasses. It was devastating! I of course blamed my weight, as I had taken them off while on the bed, but I mistook the foreign object I felt for a pencil, which turned out to be my glasses. Snap! I briefly entered a incredibly toxic extremely dark state of mind, it lasted maybe 10 minutes, but the severity of my angry at myself was massive and destructive to say the least. Once I had gotten out of that cloud I was kind of shocked just how fast that escalated, and just how fast it was gone. Definitely something I'll be bringing up in therapy tomorrow. So Fitness part of boot camp week is ...

We are off to a great start so far. I got a great nights sleep. I went to bed around 10:30pm and awoke at 7am. In terms of hours, that's an ideal length of time, but I woke up tired,  and fell back asleep for a few more hours, and when I awoke again, I still felt tired. I had the weird sensation that I could sleep the day away, but I got up, got to it. It's bee such a long time since I've done one of my in-door multi-muscle walks (or general fitness walking) that I was quickly humbled by the 1 mile all over again, it certainly kicked my butt and has me terrified of the coming days mileage increases, it's  hard to think that I was previously doing them. I had a nice big bowl of cereal for breakfast with an iced cinnamon roll. For lunch I made a mesquite turkey sandwich with a single piece of wheat bread, some spicy mustard For dinner I had chicken patties and hash browns. Total calories for the day 1,711. I stayed below the 2,000 goal, but no fruits or veggie...

The Second Edition of Book Camp Week Is nearly upon us, here is a quick run down of the weeks agenda. In-door workout video every single day start Monday with the 1 mile multi-muscle workout and increase every until I get to the 4 mile. The week will look like this Monday 1 mile Tuesday 2 mile Wednesday 3 mile Thursday 4 mile Friday 4 mile! I am suspending my potato/corn chip consumption indefinitely. This will continue beyond this week and will prove to be a bigger challenge, but what better time to start. Food goals, Have fruit or vegetable every single day, and stay below 2,000 calories. Seemingly simple. Metal Health Goals, read my book, I've already begun de-cluttering my room and the serenity is setting in so I just need to finish that up (progress!), do my homework for therapy (I have not been doing them) . Get to bed earlier.  Minimize time on Facebook.

I'm glad I have the ball back rolling, but I must admit I'm back, but to a sluggish start, the past two days I haven't been tracking my food as diligently as I normally due, in fact, yesterday I didn't track at all. My weeks eating has been mixed so my up coming weigh in could prove to have unsavory results. I'm giving myself the weekend to get this bad mojo out my system once and for all all! I don't want to do it, but I'm bringing back Boot Camp Week, if you've been following the blog long enough you might remember my first round quite a few months ago, I've been slacking in too many areas but quite largely in fitness, so it's time I force myself into activity. More on the Boot Camp Week Tomorrow. I started my ADHD medication for the first time yesterday, in two weeks the dosage will be increased. I already feel ever so slightly more in focus. Like I can control my thoughts a bit better, like my mind isn't an rush hour high way.... Well ...

I have been on a bit on hiatus as many of you have noticed, hope you weren't too worried. Explaining my absence is tricky. After reaching Redemption Cove, I sailed immediately to Deterioration Cave, gaining a couple of pounds the following week. Why? because I hit the chips hard, wicked hard! Then more recently I lost another 5 pounds, I currently weigh 461. This string of weight loss yo-yoing is unsettling, disappointing and embarrassing. I was so consistent for so long, and now this. Perhaps the bigger issue I have been dealing with is my inability to focus and start and finish tasks, and general interest in things. My therapist believes this is a symptom of my depression. I cant seem to start anything new whether really big or small, really important or insignificant. It spread to the blog, as I gained weight that week I felt less like writing, on that weigh in day, and every day after I said I would write, or said I should, but haven't. Somehow finally today I have manage...

Ah yes, a hard week indeed, up until Sunday's weakness, I resisted the urge of the chip demon, and feasted upon fruits and veggies throughout the week staying within a pleasing calorie goal everyday. Today I found out if those commitments paid off, all to try to reach Redemption Cove. So here it is, last week I was 470 pounds, this week 464! That's a 6 pound loss, and I have made it successfully to Redemption Cove! That pound I gained at last weigh-in is a thing of the past, I have redeemed myself! I can only imagine what my numbers would have been if I actually had done my exercise goals for the week, I could have maybe doubled my numbers.., ehhh lets not get a head of myself. A mild week, had some lows, not being able to do my goals and start tasks had me feeling low off and on, the good news is I felt rather balanced a good part of the week, had some mini spikes of anxiety towards the end of the week, all goals related, and again not starting my tasks but it was a most...

I can have a total 3,450 calories, here is what I ate today Lunch 4oz beef hamburger on wheat, with ketchup and onions and a slice of cheese..... And 50 grams of chips (I'm weak) 944 calories Dinner 10 oz Pork & Pinto Bean Soup, with Crackers (10) 505 calories  So that's that, 1,549 calories is my total. I gave in to my dark urge, the almighty chip temptation. That burger would not  have seen complete without them, or so I tell myself.

3,450 is my calorie limit, let's tally up today's numbers, shall we? Breakfast  2.8 oz smoked sausage, 1 hard boiled egg, 1 slice applewood bacon. (didn't eat the toast  after all ) 418 calories  Lunch 8 oz watermelon chunks 82 calories  Dinner 11 baked breaded butterfly shrimp, 3.8 steak fries, 4 tbsp ketchup 563 calories  Dessert  4 Reese chocolate chip cookies 280 calories  1,345 is how the numbers added up today. That's how many calories I took in. I'm totally ready for some chips and dip! If I weren't so paranoid with the weigh-in Monday, I might actually indulge a bit tomorrow. Chips are still in consumption exile until I've reached...  Redemption Cove

Im feeling oddly drained this morning/afternoon. I think my weekend goal.... ( Yes I'm making a weekend goal for some reason) is to declutter my room, it's just so many little things out of place and in the way. It will take a measly 20 minutes to do this task, it's frustrating that I can't seem to just do it, it's actually given me very slight-slight anxiety. So by Monday it needs to be done! It is the weekend that means I survived a week of no chips, there were was one time when I really just wanted  to grab a little insignificant nibble of sour cream and onion chips, I even reached into the bag, but before coming up with anything. I closed the bag after considering several things. One I'd still have to calculate the amount I was eating, two I'd having to face the fact that  I'd be breaking the only consistent goals I'd been passing all week, and three I'd have to explain myself on the blog. It wasn't easy but for the week I overcame the ur...

I can eat a maximum of of 3,450 calories, here is what I ate today. Breakfast  5 oz watermelon chunks 41 calories  Lunch 4.5 oz watermelon chunks 36 calories  Dinner Homemade juicy beef(5.5oz) burger with 2 tablespoons  ketchup, 1 slice provolone cheese, 1 slice muenster cheese on wheat bread, and 6 oz steak fries 1,098 calories Dessert 4 Reese chocolate chip cookies 280 calories  And there you have it, I took in a grand total of 1,455 calories. I'm taking a technicality on the vegetables today and counting the fries as today's veggies ( I know, I know). I was planning on finishing the night with some green beans at some point after dinner and desert, but I was much too full, and decided the days food consumption was to be done.

Nothing went as planned (that wasn't related to food), so yesterday was sort of a bust I didn't get anything done. I'm in a weird little rut it seems and its stumping my productivity almost completely.  I think I'm dealing now with maybe different symptoms of my depression than before and maybe that's why I can't seem to start things? Or do things I'm interested in. I don't seem to have much drive, or motivation lately. Or I could just be in a unrelated slump I don't know! Yesterday was my youngest nephews birthday, he is officially 3, we will be having a small party for him next weekend , I usual go and take pictures that turn out pretty good, his mom joked that she should start paying me. I'm not really feeling up to it this year however, both taking the pictures, and going to the party. So its up in the air whether I'll be attending or not. Plans today, honestly I don't know.I can't seem to follow any none food based plans thi...