Brandon, Who Lives At Home

It's been a few weeks since I've posted. There have been some developments I felt I needed to blog about. Lately Ive found the concept of blogging exhausting even though I know it's beneficial, I digress. It's Monday and I have weighted in, I lost 5 pounds, I'm down to 433.6. I had my follow up to my blood work from a few weeks ago today also, a bit late, but I was dragging my feet. I finally got it sheduled after unusually prolonged fits of dizziness last week, figured I do the ole two birds one stone thing. My doctor didn't have good news for me, I'll cut write to the chase, something is going on with my kidneys, she something about some one thing being low and some other thing being several points high (like 7 higher than it should be?) we aren't sure what's the exact cause she thinks it could be my blood pressure combo pill, because my blood pressure has been normal today, it was perfect , though she said my pulse was high. She's switchi...

(Don't mind my mug... Melissa & Nick) this is a selfie we took when I was helping them house hunt in July of this year Today my friend Melissa had her operation for thyroad cancer at 7:30am. She's been a pretty strong trooper about the whole process, thus so have I. They removed the all masses and she's on the road to recovery, she's doing fine. I never had that delayed anxiety attack I was expecting. In fact, my week over all was one of the better, more stable mental health weeks I've had in a while. I think a had maybe one particular day that stood out as rough, trying to deal with these body image issues. It's on going, thin almost seems like an entirely different species of human to me. Am I progressing? That's what I've been nervous to ask myself, it feels like I've been fighting the same fight over and over this year. Though lately, the battles feel like altered, mutated, stronger versions of their past selves. I know I haven...

I brought this up with my therapist today in therapy, and she quickly agreed that without I doubt suffer from this condition. When looked into the disorder I was surprised to see the treatments were things I am   already doing or taking. They listed medications   such a s Zoloft which I used to be on and Lexapro which I'm currently on, as well as cognitive behavioral therapy which I obviously am partaking in actively on a weekly bases. Still, it was a bit surprising and a bit of a let down to discover these things as it feels like it's rather new, or rather increasingly intense development. I keep comparing myself to thinner guy its completely unhealthy but I do it, like with the medical asst. Graham, I do things like that a lot. I'll see someone thin and then compare myself then start to rip myself to shreds. Then begins a bit of obsessing over the thinner person, what there life might have been life when they were younger, how many friends they may have, where they ...

Then came the curve ball. No I do not have thyroid cancer, remember my camping trip, the one I went on with my friend Nick and Melissa. Well during that trip I mention that earlier morning she got sick and they rushed off to the hospital, they thought it was her tonsils. Turns out she has thyroid cancer. I was pretty blow away by the news, she is a dear friend and although thyroid cancer is quite curable it is nevertheless cancer, as things like radiation and chemotherapy could be in her future. She is scheduled for surgery as soon as Monday. It  hasn't fully set in, and the fear of it has not fully hit me, which  is probably good, maybe I can sort through my feelings, sort through the situation, sort through the condition and facts now, before the anxiety and mounds of emotion come into play, maybe it will lessen whatever effect it will all have on me. This news comes a day after another friend informed me he had just found out his uncle died, but he been dead two weeks and...

I lost a decent 2.4 pounds. This week I weigh 442.6 pounds, (previously 445.0) in spite of my sodium in take it appears my it was no match for the effect of taking in such low calories. This week I'm going to try to do better across the board, no more slacking with the water either. I'm going to clean my room this week. I'm going to try to make this a week of clarity, reflect, think and write. Maybe even draw, we will see.

I think the time zone is irrelevant. It's early, and I have I not been to sleep. My sleep lately has been quite poor. Weight-in  in just a few hours really, and I anticipate another gain. It's been a week of low calories and  high sodium, which seems to always result in gain. My calorie intake has been almost criminally low, and the sodium, criminally high, so I guess if I try to be rational (try) this results in water retention, which I seem be pretty prone too anyways. I'm normally great about drinking my 64oz of water a day but this past week it has been a mediocre effort. . I've been dealing with my depression, or really not dealing with it. It's dealing with me, or I don't know, I have homework for therapy, that I find to exhausting to start to do, I honestly don't remember what it is. I have these sheets somewhere, but I don't want to find them to find out. I actually haven't done homework for therapy in awhile, I always forget or just can...

Here we go, starting things off on a bad note. The first weigh in of the month is a gain! Last week I was 444.6 this week 445.0. A .4 gain. So I've enter he most difficult phase of the year on bad terms! I Guess what, I finally got to see that psychiatrist of mine, she thinks I should lower my goals (no kidding), that I have a all or nothing mentality (I wouldn't necessarily  agree), and that this "transformation year" thing was a rather toxic aspiration. Wanting to go from 4XX to 1XX in a year would be impossible (even though the people on Biggest Loser  Extreme Weight Loss do it, but I digress) her argument (similar if not identical with what some of what you and the therapist have said) is to cut my goals into installments so instead of having to be instantly 180 I cut it down into waves. Like 400 would the next big, then 375, 350, 325,b250 etc. I rejected this almost immediately my argument being that I felt like when people (in general) cut their goals they s...

Mom made a huge pot a vegetable soup yesterday and it's delicious. A great way to start the month I think, no? We have a least a couple days worth left, well at least two more, it tasted even better today.  Maybe this is the month of soups and chillis? It actually sounds greatly appealing, more so than pizza, my Achilles-heel, which I haven't really wanted, but I haven't really n ot-wanted. I haven't wanted anything which is kind odd I think. My oldest nephew (15) was supposed to make a brief visit today (but didn't), he has been having more trouble with school, and not doing home work, or even mentioning that he has it. He is more worried about looking hip and cool , very much sounds like "typical teen" but it is rather disappointing, I didn't so much have that need be hip and cool as a teenager, being morbidly obese kind of sidelined that, I certainly wanted to be popular though, thinking back I had a lot of prespective because of my obesity. Somet...

The weekend draws near, and guess what, it's official, it's October, a bittersweet month for me. I loved Halloween as a child in spite of my weight, you see my size limited my option of costumes and mostly I did not dress up at all. I remember when mom made this big elaborate robot costume out of cardboard boxes, it was so uncomfortable but looked pretty darn cool. It was one if the last true costumes I ever wore. I was probably 6 or 7, it took what seemed like hours to create that thing we were very proud of it though. As I mentioned though, my weight caused issues with dressing up, so later I mostly opted for nothing, or a simple single mask. I used to love Halloween for many reasons the free candy, the school parties, the Halloween specials of my favorite tv shows, but it began the kickoff before my favorite holiday Christmas. I would start my Christmas list around now. Really though I loved watching scary move marathons, as well as the less spooky, more family oriented...

Lets get straight to it. Last week I was 448.2 pounds, this week I am 444.8. Down 3.4 pounds. I discovered yesterday that the psychiatrists office called Friday at some point and left a message. For whatever reason the phone didn't ring, anyways, it wasn't until yesterday that I discover that my FREAKING MONDAY APPOINTMENT WITH THE PSYCHIATRIST HAD BEEN DELAYED YET ANOTHER WEEK!!!!! I'm at my whits end on this situation, I think this is number 5 or 6. I like my psychiatrist even though I've only seen her a total of maybe 3 times since having to switch from the previous because of the infamous...   incident . I didn't have these issues with my last one however! I don't want to have to consider looking for a new psychiatrist, I really don't. The very idea gives me anxiety, but if they somehow have some need to push back yet another week, I think I'll have no choice. I did make it to my primary doctor today,  blood pressure was perfectly normal. I men...

Spirits have been up lately. Eating has improved. I'm feeling overall rather good, however I'm still not using Myfitnesspal , soon though. I can still tell I may not be eating enough, which seems odd I honestly felt like I ate a lot yesterday until I woke up this morning feeling like I could actually feel gravity against my skin physically . Yesterday I had a bowl of cereal for breakfast, had a fruit cup of tangerines before lunch, then for lunch I snacked on some chips (I know, I know) it was an individual bag worth 4 servings and I ate all of them by dinner, and for dinner I had beef meatballs with potatoes and green beans. I only opted for 3 meatballs, I considered maybe more but I thought, no, this is enough, they were a moderate size, and the green beans and potatoes covered the plate. Still this was the biggest meal I had eaten all week, but I'm getting back on track. I really need to get out of the house. I have been quite the recluse lately. Aside from appointment...

Today was a mild day, had my appointment with the dermatologist. They were packed, I've never seen their office full like that before, in fact, the nice older ladies next to me made the same comment, apparently they had been waiting awhile. Somehow the older ladies  next to me made the experience a nice one, in fact the only anxiety I had was when thinking about being called back, and having to walk in front of that sea of people. There was something very charming about the older ladies next to me, I could tell they had been  friends a very-very long time, they were cracking jokes, and just having some lovingly banter that I truly enjoyed. I remember one asking "I wonder if they serve lunch" I just giggled,I enjoyed that little gem like it was the prized punchline of a seasoned comedian, and then I thought, that's what I'd like, to grow old some day and to have friends to accompany me to appointments or wherever, to keep things fun and interesting. It seemed as ...